


Circus of Your Mind

by Iwovepizza



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: (In the flashbacks), Abuse, Acrobat Inej, Animal Death, Blood, Canonical Character Death, Dehumanization, Demon Kaz, Depression, Digital Art, F/M, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Involuntary Manslaughter, M/M, Minor Character Death, Miscarriages, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Physical Abuse, Plague, Slow Burn, Starvation, Torture, Verbal Abuse, circus AU, creature AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 82,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwovepizza/pseuds/Iwovepizza
Summary: Kaz only wanted to be left alone. He'd never killed any livestock or picked off any travelers that had strayed too far from the group. That doesn't keep Jan Van Eck from sending his men to capture the exotic beast for his circus. Under incredible stress at the hands of a brutal trainer by the name of Pekka Rollins, Kaz almost decides to give up hope.That is, until one of the acrobats in the circus volunteers to care for him.





	1. Ladies and Gents, this is the Moment You've Waited For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Strong Verbal and Physical Abuse

_“Here in the forest, dark and deep, I offer you eternal sleep.”_

-The Poor Little Rich Girl _by Elenor Gates_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

**I.**

**LADIES AND GENTS, THIS IS THE MOMENT YOU'VE WAITED FOR**

_Chapter Soundtrack: "The Greatest Show" from the hit movie_ The Greatest Showman 

\----Ӝ----

 

            This part of Kaz Brekker’s story begins with one word:

            Fear.

            It consumed him, clouding his mind and making his blood sing in his veins as he thrashed and writhed, lashing out at his attackers, who managed to slip through his fingers like they were made of the shadows in which they fought. 

            It was as black as pitch inside of Kaz’s cave, Kaz’s _home,_ and there was nothing to see by anymore as the group of Ghezen-knows-how-many people blocked the mouth of the cave, smothering the moonlight that usually filtered inside. The darkness should’ve given Kaz the advantage, should’ve helped Kaz win, but he was still delirious from sleep and was crowded into a corner by an uncountable amount of enemies. The cave had been made for just one person, and it was no place to fight, the risk of smacking his head on the ceiling or crashing into a wall all too imminent as he struggled in the dark.

            People grabbed at him- at the animal skins he wore as clothes, at his limbs, at his horns- anything to get a handhold on and somehow use to pin him down. Kaz could see a bit better than they could, but they were still just faceless silhouettes lunging for him with their fingers contorting as if they were claws.

            The sharp tang of blood permeated the air as he slashed someone across the face, shrinking back at the guttural shout that ensued, and the assembled humans clamored in a harsh, grating tongue as the injured man was dragged out of the cave so he could be more easily assisted.

            That meant that there were more outside.

            Kaz was already growing weary, and he had no idea how long he’d be able to last before he collapsed from exhaustion, and fighting while crouched down was not a position he’d like to be in.

            He was so distracted that he missed the shadow lunging in from his right, and he let out a cry of alarm as he was pinned to the ground by an enormous man, who bore down on him with all of his weight to keep Kaz flattened on the floor. His head was ground into the tightly-packed dirt, his wings crushed against his back- the bones contorting to the point where they threatened to break- and Kaz felt tears spring to his eyes at the agony of it.

            “Don’t touch me!” Kaz screeched as his heart jackhammered against his ribcage and his breath sawed in and out of his lungs. “Get off!”

            They ignored his pleas or simply didn’t understand, grunting to each other in that odd language of theirs as they swarmed him, growing brave as they found that Kaz was being crushed against the ground. As soon as he realized that he had aid, the man on top of Kaz rolled off, and he nearly sobbed with relief as the pressure was taken off of his wings.

            Almost as soon as that happened, though, there were hands all over him. He yelped and thrashed, but he was hopelessly outnumbered, and pretty soon there was a length of cloth being tied around his eyes, effectively taking away what little advantage he had over them. He couldn’t see a thing, and maybe there were people screaming but it didn’t matter because he was also screaming and he felt so helpless and terrified as he writhed like a man possessed.

            Kaz let out a shriek and struck out with his claws, but his wrists were immediately seized and bound at the small of his back with a thick rope. The more he struggled, the more they chafed and dug into his skin, and Kaz only became more frenzied when the noticeable stench of his blood joined that of the others’. He beat his wings wildly, bludgeoning his attackers and trying to shake them off, but it wasn’t long before they were seized and tightly pinioned against his back.

            The struggle continued for what could only be hours, and the group effectively immobilized Kaz once his feet were tied. After that, Kaz didn’t see the point in fighting any longer, and he slumped as if boneless, breathing raggedly while his eyes fluttered against the blindfold. He was almost sodden with sweat, the furs that clothed him clinging to his damp skin, and he could do nothing more than growl when they strapped a cage around his mouth to keep his wickedly long incisors at bay.

            He was hauled out of the cave, judging from the midsummer night’s wind that battered him, and dumped into the back of a carriage, with guards surrounding him on all sides. The horses were restless, according to what little he could hear over the howl of the wind, and all Kaz could really think about was how exhausted he was. He refused to let the false blackness the blindfold provided to lull him to sleep, however, because he had no idea what these men were going to do to him.

            Humans were fickle creatures, with a wide variety of motives and an even wider sense that everything belonged to them and them alone. That was probably the reason why they trekked all the way to one of the highest points in the Sikurzoi to retrieve him, because they couldn’t stand the fact that their world had to be shared. Then again, they could also be a group looking for the firebird- like that one with the white-haired Grisha- and had just stumbled across him instead.

            The guards sat around him while he lay completely helpless at the floor by their feet, the carriage bumping around and jostling him as it rumbled down the steep path and back to the human nest.

            Kaz tried to stay awake and alert, just so that he would know if the humans tried to do anything to him, but eventually the exhaustion got the best of him, dragging him down into a deep sleep that was plagued by nightmares.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Kaz woke to find himself lying on the floor of a sandy arena

            At first, he had no idea what was going on, and he staggered to his feet, his heart in his throat and his lungs begging for air despite the fact that they had plenty.

            Where was the cool, crisp mountain air? Where were the cries of the eagles and the rush of the wind? Where was that sharp cold that seeped into his bones whenever the sun was hidden by clouds?

            Lights blinded him, the sound of fire crackling in his ears, and Kaz let out a whimper as he raised his hand up to shield his eyes. There was very little sunlight in the Sikurzoi, its peak usually shrouded in cloud cover, and Kaz trembled a bit under the scrutiny of the blazing light.

            He blinked rapidly, trying to adjust, and looked down at himself to find that his furs were gone, replaced by an odd material that was as white as the snow that lingered during the winter months. Kaz, belatedly, wondered if it was the fur of some sort of mountain hare- whose coat turned white during the winter as camouflage- but the cold season had come and gone long ago, and the hare’s fur would’ve long since turned brown again.

            Besides, it felt strange on Kaz’s skin, too strange for it to be the fur of a hare- or any animal, for that matter.

            Kaz spread his wings, allowing for them to unfurl behind him as his heart jackhammered away in his chest. Never before had he been so bewildered and terrified.

            “Demjin.”

            The noise startled Kaz, and he whirled around, dropping into a crouch as his wings snapped open into a menacing display and he regarded the human who he was pretty sure hadn’t been there a few moments before. 

 _Come any closer and I will kill you,_ they said.

            The human didn’t understand, unsurprisingly, and continued strolling towards Kaz, who- despite what his wings were saying- was more afraid of this man than this man was of him.

            “Where am I?” Kaz demanded. It came out as a bestial roar.

            The human balked a bit, and that’s when Kaz noticed the large stick in his hands. It was rounded at the end, and would prove quite useful for survival in the wild; however, this human was clearly meaning to use it as a weapon, perhaps to strike Kaz, and that made the winged being all the more fearful.

            He was a big man, with broad shoulders and thick, beefy muscles, which were big enough for Kaz to know that this man was a formidable adversary. Kaz would most certainly never win in a contest of brute force with this human, and he backed up warily, his eyes zeroed in on the blunt stick.

            “There now, there’s no need to be frightened,” the man rumbled, and Kaz’s wings beat exasperatedly at the foreign words. The noises coming out of this man’s mouth were daunting to say the least, and Kaz’s muscles coiled and bunched, ready to spring if needed. “My name is Pekka Rollins.”

            Kaz frowned as the man pointed to himself and kept saying that first word over and over again.

_Pekka. Pekka. Pekka. Pekka. Pekka._

            Kaz’s brows knit together, as his bare feet sunk into the sand, which felt odd on his fingers and toes, and hesitantly repeated, “Pekka.”

            The man seemed shocked, but his surprised expression immediately melted into a smile-one that didn’t reach his eyes at all. “Good. I’m Pekka.”

            “Pekka,” Kaz parroted, hoping that if he said it enough, the man would release him. “Pekka. Pekka.”

            “You catch on quickly, don’t you?” the man rumbled, and once more Kaz was baffled by the alien words. He could only assume that this was how humans communicated, and he had no idea how to tell this man that he had no idea what he was saying. “Listen, Demjin, I’m going to lay down some rules.”

            Kaz leapt back as the man- Kaz decided to call him Pekka since that seemed to be his favorite word- took another step forwards, encroaching on the five foot radius that Kaz usually laid out for strangers, and the man raised his hands up defensively, the stick still at the center of Kaz’s attention.

            “You hit me, I hit back twice. You attack me, I’ll make you wish you were never born, got it?”

            Kaz let out another whimper, his wings lowering as Pekka’s voice took on a menacing tone, though they still hovered above the ground: this man was not Kaz’s alpha, and he would not allow a human to be his alpha, much less submit to one.

            Pekka raised his arm, gesturing to the arena around them. “This is where you’ll be performing and training. You’ll spend most of your time in here and in the training field that we made just for you, because the people in the other acts are too nervous to perform in the rink with you.”

            Kaz looked up and found nothing but colored walls around him. He was trapped inside some sort of colored cave, a cave that most likely belonged to Pekka; however, as he really concentrated on it, he saw it rippling.

            So it was some sort of animal skin, then? This came as a shock to Kaz, who’d never left the Sikurzoi. Were there really gigantic red and yellow beasts that roamed the land outside of the mountains? Ones whose skins were large enough to make a cave such as this one?

            Kaz knew that his horns could pierce through the hide or skin of any animal, even ones with huge red and yellow pelts, so perhaps he could fly up and burst through it.

            Pekka continued to approach at that painstaking and menacing pace of his, and Kaz decided that it was high time to bolt, lest he be backed into a corner with no escape. With a mighty beat of his wings, he launched himself into the air, and Pekka let out a cry of alarm as Kaz soared over his head and straight towards the red and yellow beast pelt.

            Higher.

            Higher.

            Higher.

            Kaz let out a shriek as he collided with something. Hard.

            His vision blacked out as he fell to the earth, stunned and discombobulated, and it took Pekka’s shouting to jolt him back to his senses enough to make sure that he didn’t break his neck upon impact. It was not a soft landing, though, and it only served to jar Kaz even more as his bones rattled and his tongue was almost bitten clean off. Despite the collision and the fact that black spots were dancing in his vision, Kaz still staggered to his feet, his wings beating madly to help him stay upright.

            “A metal barrier can do that to you,” Pekka sounded beyond amused, and through his blurring and tilting vision, Kaz could make out the sadistic gleam in his eyes. “What, do you think we were stupid enough not to put a cage between you and the audience? Fool.”

            Kaz’s fear bled into rage at the mocking tone in Pekka’s voice, and though he couldn’t understand the words, he knew that they did not mean well toward him. He bellowed at the human, his wings arching up and over his head, demanding submission.

            He was the one in charge here, not Pekka. He wasn’t stuck in this cave with Pekka, Pekka was stuck in this cave with him, and Kaz vowed to make sure that this human’s fate would not be a kind one.

            He roared, bristling, and for a moment fear flitted across Pekka’s face, but it was gone as soon as it had come, replaced by a darker expression.

            “Remember what I said, Demjin. You so much as touch a hair on my head and I will beat you within an inch of your life,” he warned, but all Kaz could see was red.

            He roared again, louder this time, but instead of that fear that Kaz saw before, Pekka was smirking at him like a cat that caught the canary. It was off-putting and enraging at the same time, and Kaz tossed his head, baring his teeth.

            “My, how positively _frightening_ ,” Pekka taunted, and Kaz beat his wings angrily. The human spread his arms, the blunt stick polished to perfection as it reflected the unnatural sunlight-but-not-sunlight that emulated within the cave. “Give me your best shot.”

            Kaz bellowed, all common sense leaving him as he shot forward faster than any human would be able to comprehend. His blood was roaring in his ears, his heart slamming against his ribcage, and he was determined to get out of this cave. If getting out meant killing Pekka and stripping the meat from his bones, so be it.

            Kaz never asked to be here.

            He’d never bothered any humans as far as he could tell, and the mere fact that they’d captured him unprovoked made his blood boil even more.

            Kaz’s horns were just about to collide with Pekka’s chest- a blow that would most likely implode his ribcage- when he suddenly heard something whistling through the air. Before he could slow himself down enough to leap away, a force connected with his side, sending him sprawling.

Dazed, Kaz scrambled to his hands and knees, his wings flaring as his gaze traveled up to regard Pekka, who was running his fingers over the blunt and rounded stick.

            “How’s it like to get a taste of the club, Demjin?” Pekka sneered, and Kaz shrank back a bit, whimpering slightly as he lifted up the weird fur-not-fur and applied pressure to the area to check for wounds. Thankfully, other than the bruise that was forming and hurt something awful, there were no broken bones.

            “C’mon, boy, all bark and no bite?” Pekka scoffed, waving the club in the air as Kaz continued to gingerly poke at the tender, bruising flesh.

            Kaz had no idea what Pekka was saying, but the human’s tone made it quite clear that he was mocking him. With a snarl, he hauled himself to his feet, narrowing his eyes at the human, who didn’t seem at all daunted.

            The sheer lack of fright riled Kaz up more than a bull with a red flag in front of him, and he charged again, sailing through the air, but- once again- the club slammed into him, this time colliding with his shoulder, and Kaz yelped, skittering backwards. There was no real damage, but the impact still made his whole body shudder and his shoulder burn like liquid fire was running through the veins there.

            Bloodlust overwhelmed any fear that he had of Pekka, and Kaz rushed him once more, this time swerving at the last second in hopes of slamming his horns into the man’s side. Kaz’s horns had only barely grazed the man’s finely made- but oddly smooth- furs before a blow smacked him in between his shoulder blades.

            Kaz went down- completely thrown off balance- and sand plumed around him as he fell, making him cough and splutter. His body had barely touched the ground before he sprang back to his feet, just as invigorated as before.

            He circled Pekka warily, eying the club. Without it, Pekka was just a human, and Kaz could take on one measly human. He leapt forward, a big cat pouncing on its prey, but Pekka must’ve been getting annoyed at his willpower.

            The other blows Kaz had received were mere tickles compared to the one that slammed into his cheek, and the sound of the bone cracking echoed throughout the cave. Kaz cried out and quickly dove out of the way before Pekka could land another hit, putting distance between them as he cradled the side of his face in his hands.

            His cheek was on fire. His side was burning. His back ached.

            Kaz had never felt such pain- he’d been at the top of the food chain up in the Sikurzoi and had never had to worry much about injury- and it only drove him mad with rage and fear.

            Fear, Kaz would later decide, made people- even himself- foolish.

            Again and again he rushed Pekka, trying different tactics to bring him down, and time after time he was smacked around with the club as if he were some sort of punching bag.

            Kaz didn’t have endless energy, though, and he hadn’t eaten since before he’d gone to sleep last night. How long ago had that been?

            His resolve was still going strong, though, and even if his energy was wearing thin, Kaz knew that he had to kill Pekka if he was going to get out of here.

 _But what if you don’t kill Pekka?_ a little voice at the back of his mind asked. _What if you have to spend the rest of your days in this cave made of the hide of a yellow and red beast?_

            The thought was so terrifying that it made Kaz’s eyes a bit wet.

            “Is the Demjin gonna cry?” Pekka spat, and Kaz let out a bloodcurdling screech in response, pacing around him and looking for any openings.

            Whenever Kaz changed position, Pekka turned to face him, his back never towards Kaz at any given moment, and he snarled in frustration, his wings thrashing angrily. He was too scared to try and fly again, out of fear that he would crash into the barrier once more, and his lips curled in his annoyance and vexation.

            The human was making taunting faces at Kaz, and he roared at him in response, though Pekka mimicked it and riled Kaz up even more. He sprang forward as Pekka was in the middle of making a rather twisted and ridiculous face, hoping to catch the human off-guard, but it was in vain as the club smacked Kaz across the face again.

            He stumbled as pain exploded in his already damaged cheek, and he whined softly as the agony seemed to split his face in half. His whole body ached from the blows, and he was limping slightly after he’d landed wrong on his foot and twisted it. The bone may have been broken for all he knew, but whether it was a sprain or a breakage it didn’t matter; all that mattered was the fact that he was limping and limping was weakness.

            Pekka was still going strong, not even attempting to hide the fact that he thought this whole thing to be more tiresome than challenging, and it’s what gave Kaz enough rage to lunge again. The club smashed into his other side mercilessly, and he wailed, returning to circling around the pedestal cautiously.

            “I haven’t got all day, Demjin,” Pekka chided and checked his watch nonchalantly, but Kaz wasn’t about to be reckless. He was smart about it now, tensing as if to lunge and getting Pekka on high alert, but then returning to his circling. This was making the human nervous, and he could smell the anxiety, no matter how little, seeping off of him. Now that Kaz was faking all of these attacks, he wasn’t sure when there’d be a real one.

            Unlike Pekka, Kaz could be patient, and he had several lifetimes to wait, so he continued his circling around the human, since it was obvious that Pekka couldn’t leave the arena until something happened with Kaz, though he had no idea what that could be.

            Finally, after what seemed like hours, Kaz began to rush him, using his last ounce of energy to charge over and over and over and over again. Pekka was unprepared for the barrage of attacks and began to swing the club around frantically, but Kaz was everywhere at once. He managed to dart around the flailing weapon, even though every part of him was screaming, and finally managed to smack Pekka in the jaw while the human was winding he club back for another hit.

            He stumbled, and Kaz shrieked in triumph as he darted in for the kill.

            Then it happened.

            Pekka wasn’t as shaken as he’d appeared, and with a mighty swing the club slammed into the back of Kaz’s head. All at once his energy left him, and he fell limply at the human’s feet despite the fact that that was the _last_ thing that he wanted to do.

            The world was spinning, and black spots danced in his vision whenever he dared to open his eyes. All of the resolve and anger that was keeping him going abandoned him, and he slumped, his wings finally falling to the ground in submission.

            Though it was far from accepting Pekka as the alpha, it was a white flag being waved. Kaz would stay in this cave made of the hide of the yellow and red beast with Pekka until the human released him or killed him, because he knew now that the man with the club was the man in charge.

            He was not the alpha- since Kaz had no respect for him whatsoever- but he was a superior to be recognized…and feared.

            Perhaps since Pekka knew that Kaz knew this, Kaz would finally get to sleep.

            Only, that wasn’t the case.

            Suddenly, blow after blow began to rain down on Kaz’s spent body, despite the fact that Kaz had clearly surrendered. The winged being was so exhausted that it took a few hits to jog his brain and remind him that the blows hurt. That he was in pain.

            He let out a low whine and tried to scramble away, but a strong foot ground his head into the sand, suffocating him and making his cheek light up with anguish. Kaz’s mind spun as the club beat him over and over again, hard enough to be agony but controlled enough not to break bones.

            This was so foreign to him. Among his kind, no one would hurt someone who was already down, even during the most violent parts of the mating season (which Kaz was loath to participate in, despite the temptations).

            Indeed, it was foreign, but it was also torture.

            Pekka started pummeling Kaz’s back and sides with the club, but eventually made his way down, whacking his flank a few times before landing bruising hits onto his thighs and calves.

            For the first few agonizing minutes, Kaz had struggled helplessly, his wings flailing and his body writhing in pain, but he eventually went limp and just took it.

            He was so tired and hungry and worn-out, and this pain was nothing like anything he’d ever experienced.

            So great was his suffering and so terrible the blows that he retreated inside of himself, seeking refuge from the torment. He could hear the sickening thumping as the club connected with his body over and over and over again. But it was far off. Distant. He was so, so tired…   

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all like it! Please leave a comment if you do!


	2. You're Dripping Like a Saturated Sunrise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Strong Verbal and Physical Abuse, threats of forced prostitution

_“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”_

_-William Shakespeare “The Tempest”_

\----Ӝ----

 

**II.**

 

**YOU'RE DRIPPING LIKE A SATURATED SUNRISE**

_Chapter Soundtrack: "Colors" by Halsey_

__

\----Ӝ----

 

            Days stretched into weeks, and weeks into months, and in that time Kaz’s smiles grew few and far between; once he learned that Pekka never intended to release or kill him, he’d simply decided that joy was an emotion that he didn’t have the luxury to feel.

            Every day was consumed by work; whether it be jumping through fiery hoops or sprinting laps around the arena on a lunge line, Kaz’s feet were always moving.

In the time he spent with Pekka- who was dubbed “the Demjin trainer” by his colleagues- he learned many things, usually at the end of the club.

            New words were added to his vocabulary, such as “Please,” “Thank you,” “No,” “Stop,” and “Bastard.” He had an idea of what they meant, but he rarely spoke if he was able to help it: Pekka warned that if Kaz spoke, the audience would begin to question whether or not his showing in the circus was humane- whatever that meant- and had demanded him to never utter another word unless he was told to.  

            He’d tried to speak only once after the initial meeting with Pekka:

            He hadn’t been able to jump through the flaming hoop and the odd furs that clothed him had caught fire, giving him severe burns and forcing Pekka to let Kaz rest for a week afterward. Pekka had been furious, and the next time Kaz stepped foot into the rink, Pekka had whipped him.

            “No!” Kaz had insisted as the weapon made a gash on his cheek, albeit a shallow one. It still hurt, though. “No! Stop!”

            For a moment, Pekka had obeyed, his eyes wide in shock.

             Oomen, a man who often attended their sessions and shouted out obscenities when the Demjin lost his footing, had frozen where he sat in the stands.

            And for a split second, Kaz thought that he’d done the right thing. That this was why Pekka beat him so much: because Kaz didn’t use his words to just ask for him to stop.

            For a split second, hope bloomed in his chest.

            “No?” he supplied helpfully as the whip dropped to the human’s side, and he’d been so naïve and oblivious to the way that Pekka’s eyes darkened.

            That day, Pekka had beat him into silence.

            He hadn’t spoken a word since, unless the human had instructed him to do so. 

            “We’re not ready to put him in the shows yet,” Pekka sighed to Oomen one night as Kaz was released into his cage, where he immediately flew to his trough and tried to inhale as much water as he possibly could. It was a hot day, even though night had long since settled, but the tent had trapped in heat like a furnace, and Kaz’s hair was plastered to his head with sweat.

            Never before had he felt such heat, much less undergone rigorous exercise within it: the Sikurzoi’s temperature never came above ten degrees, and he felt incredibly out of place here, where the trees grew tall and the ground was flat and covered in dirt rather than rocks.

            “He shuffles his feet a lot,” Pekka continued as he cleaned off the whip, which was slicked from Kaz’s blood. “He doesn’t have that ‘wow’ factor that we were looking for. He could easily pass for a human in dress-up when he’s not using his wings.”

            “Ah, but have you seen when he starts to run hard? He picks is feet up, and it looks like he’s barely touching the ground,” Oomen remarked, pressing against the bars. Had Kaz not been so exhausted, Oomen’s face would've been ripped clean off. “Is there any way to get his feet up higher?”

            “We don’t have the time to teach him the old fashioned way,” Pekka growled, running a frustrated hand down his face. “Jan wants him showing by at least next month.”

            “I think I have an idea,” Oomen murmured, but Kaz barely heard him, too busy collapsing onto his bed made of straw to really pay attention to a conversation that he could hardly understand.

            That’s how he found himself standing in the middle of the arena, watching with mild curiosity and fear as Oomen and another circus hand by the name of Matthias lathered up his ankles with some odd clear fluid that smelled something awful.

             “Are you sure you want to do this?” Matthias asked, his brows knitting and his accent thick. He was an immigrant from Fjerda who knew next to no Kerch, and he was paid so little that Kaz was pretty sure the blonde-haired man slept on the property- unlike Oomen and Pekka, who left when it grew dark.

            Matthias continued, picking up the bucket of the liquid and eying the droplets that dribbled slowly from the gloves he and Oomen had worn, “It could cripple him permanently.”

            “It’s not your place to put your two cents in,” Oomen spat, and Matthias raised his hands in surrender, withdrawing to put back the bucket.

Kaz watched him leave, his heart rate picking up.

            Pekka sighed, his lips curling in disgust as he glared daggers into Matthias’ back, but eventually waved the whip and got Kaz walking the perimeter of the arena while he began to speak in hushed tones with Oomen.

            “It’s not working…”

            “It takes a while, be patient…”

            “He’s still not picking his feet up…”

            Kaz ignored them, the alien words filtering through one ear and popping out the other. He just kept walking, staring at the arena walls like he’d done for the past months and imagining that he was back in the Sikurzoi.

            Though the heat was hard to ignore and the air was hot and stale, he could still imagine, if only for a handful of moments at a time, that he was flying above his home- above the jagged peaks and rolling canyons cut through by gyrating, serpent-like rivers.

            He fanned his wings out, allowing his eyes to fall closed as the membranes of his bat-like wings caught an invisible air current. The wind whipped at his face, and eagles circled beneath him. If he concentrated hard enough, he could reach up at touch the clouds…

            And then he felt it.

            Casting a furtive glance in Pekka’s direction and- after a raging internal battle- concluded that the human was too engrossed with his conversation with Oomen to notice if he stopped, Kaz halted, staring down at the small path that he’d worn in the sand from his many hours marching about.

            At first, he hadn’t really noticed it much, and thought that the sensation may be a result of the dehydration or the heat. But the more he stood there, the more prominent the feeling grew.

            _Burning._

He drew in a ragged breath and looked down, his eyes widening in horror as he saw that the skin on his ankles had turned an angry red, the mysterious clear substance still glistening in the light that filtered through the red-and-yellow beast pelt.

            He whimpered a bit, shuffling back as his ankles grew hot and irritated, the pain spiking whenever he put weight on his foot.

            “Ay, Demjin, who said you could stop?” Pekka demanded as Kaz began to back up in hopes of escaping the pain, but it followed him, and he felt his hands beginning to shake.

            “Cut him some slack, but don’t let him jump around,” Oomen suggested mildly.

            “Don’t tell me how to do my job,” was the sharp reply, the whip uncoiling with a loud snap, and Kaz yelped, partially out of fear and partially in pain as his left foot connected with the sand and agony surged through his veins. “Go on, keep walking!”

            Kaz continued on, his mind racing and his wings thrashing in an attempt to keep some of his weight off of his feet. He was too terrified of punishment to actually fly up, and choked down cries of pain as he marched along, his feet recoiling from the ground as soon as they possibly could.

            “There it is!” Pekka crowed, “Good Ghezen, I thought it wouldn’t work!”

            Kaz was breathing heavily, pain clouding his mind and making his vision swim as he marched around the arena, occasionally leaping up and yelping as his feet connected heavily with the ground.

            They tortured him- for that’s the only word Kaz could possibly use to describe this- for hours, making him run and walk and even go through the routine that he and Pekka had rehearsed a million times before. The liquid dripped down and splashed onto the tops his feet, making them burn, too, and Kaz had to force the tears back as Pekka made him jump through the hoops and balance on the bottles like he’d been taught.

            His legs were shaking pitifully hard as the soles of his feet clung to the milk bottles, his ankles screaming as all of his weight was lowered onto them.

            “Now that was a circus act!” Oomen cried as Pekka and Kaz bowed side-by-side.

            Like they were friends.

            Pekka held the bow for a bit, and Kaz did, too, trembling so hard he feared he would shake right out of his own skin. Once Pekka broke character and jogged over to Oomen to enthuse about the performance, Kaz’s knees buckled and he collapsed, whimpering softly.

            He wasn’t sure how long he lay there, just staring into nothing and praying that the earth would swallow him up, but eventually Pekka and Oomen left, leaving Matthias to bring Kaz back to his cage.

            His wings and hands were tied as a precaution, but Matthias made the knots loose. Had Kaz had enough energy, he would’ve been able to slip out of them easily.

            Matthias escorted him down a path he’d trekked a thousand times before until they reached the yard full of circus train cars, which served as enclosures for all of the animals there.

            Because that’s what Kaz was, no? An animal.

            Kaz was limping terribly, and Matthias extended a hand to try and help support him, but Kaz jerked away from him, baring his teeth.

            “Everyone so touchy,” the Fjerdan tutted in his broken Kerch. “I do not blame you, though. You have reason.”

            Kaz was shocked when the Fjerdan walked into the cage with him, and suddenly felt self-conscious. Nobody ever went into the cage; they’d either crammed Kaz inside or clubbed the back of his claves until he stumbled in and they could close the door and lock it, but not once had they followed.

            Kaz had inadvertently made this his home, the place where everything bad had already happened and he was just there to sleep it off, and now someone was encroaching on this personal space.

            Now the Fjerdan was inside, taking in the thin layer of hay that passed as a bed, the water trough full of sloshing, brackish water that was dredged up from the nearby river, and the pitiful slabs of rotting meat that Pekka admitted were the leftovers of the nearby butcher. It smelled terrible, like spoiled meat and a bit of piss from when Kaz had to pee out of the bars because Pekka had forgotten to take him out to the woods, and the Demjin ducked his head shamefully before shuffling over to the hay and collapsing on top of it.

            Matthias was not welcome here. He was not meant to feel the terrible memories that permeated the walls, not meant to listen to the phantom echoes of tears that had long since dried, and he certainly wasn’t meant to see Kaz where he was most vulnerable.

            “Go,” Kaz rasped, pointing out the door. He’d learned that “go” could mean both “leave” and “walk”, and he was glad that it wasn’t really up for interpretation. His throat felt dry, but he didn’t really feel like hauling himself over to the disgusting water. He just wanted to sleep, and hopefully, he wouldn’t wake up the next day.

            “I need to untie you,” Matthias replied simply, and in doing so tossed the ropes to the side like they disgusted them. “You are very handsome creature.”

            Kaz looked over sharply to glare at him.

            “Demjin is ‘demon’ in my native language. You are far from demon. You are not bad.”

            Kaz looked away, curling his wings around himself and hoping that if he ignored the man, he would go away.

            “You were not meant to be here. I would free you, but you would die. Your home is far.” Matthias leaned back against the wall and slid down, running a hand through his tangled blond hair. “My home is far, too. We are alike, you and I.”

            Kaz didn’t really agree, but he didn’t argue. More specifically, he didn’t know how. He fell asleep to the rumbling sound of Matthias talking about someone named Nina.

            From that night on, Matthias talked to Kaz. Even though the Demjin could barely reply, it eased some of the loneliness that had knotted itself in his stomach, though he would never admit that to the Fjerdan, who he still growled and hissed at even though the last thing he wanted was for the man to leave.

            They kept applying that clear liquid, and eventually Kaz considered it to be an everyday thing. Matthias, if he had time, would clean his ankles after Pekka and Oomen had gone, and then apply a paste made of plants to the severely burned area. But Matthias’ homemade remedies did little to help the fact that the substance was still being applied every day, and every day it was able to do a bit more damage.

            Kaz feared that by the end of the month, he would not be able to walk.

            “It is hard life, but it is life,” Matthias reminded Kaz every night, especially when the Demjin was contemplating throwing himself into the river when he was taken out to do his business.

He would drown, and it would be good, but Matthias didn’t seem to think so.

            The Demjin’s attitude grew worse, to the point where he’d even gone as far as to nearly take Matthias’ fingers off when the man had reached through the bars in an attempt to console.

            That night, Kaz had feared that the human wouldn’t show up, that he would give up hope on Kaz just like how Kaz had given up hope on himself, but no matter how many times Kaz cursed or roared or snapped or bit, the Fjerdan always returned.

            “I don’t think he needs it anymore. He can pick up his feet himself,” Matthias insisted one day as he led a terribly limping Kaz into the rink to have the liquid applied.

            “His first show is tonight, we can’t let up now, you stupid grunt!” Pekka snapped, shooing the man away and leaving Kaz by himself to suffer.

            When the session was done, Kaz was shocked to find himself being steered away from his cage and towards the river. The closer that he, Oomen, and Pekka got to the banks of the raging rapids, the tighter their grips on the ropes that bound him. The three of them walked for a while until part of the river tapered off to a quiet pool, into which the Demjin was unceremoniously dunked.

            Kaz yelped, spitting out water as his wings thrashed, but upon finding the water was blessedly cool, he calmed down somewhat and eyed the club on Pekka’s belt warily while the two men lathered up his hair with a sweet but artificial-smelling substance. Rough fingers scratched at his scalp, and a coarse rag rubbed his skin raw, but the cold water was a balm for Kaz’s ankles, and he slumped a bit, his eyes fluttering closed.

            After that, he was toweled off and led to a section of the park that he had seldom seen but often heard. Many nights, if he hadn’t passed out as soon as he’d entered his cage, he listened and heard people laughing and talking from this section. Their voices had sounded a lot like the voices of Kaz’s kind, and from afar their odd human language was garbled. He’d leaned against the bars and closed his eyes, listening to the blur of voices and pretending that they came from the many Demjin that participated in the migration every twelfth moon and not from cold, heartless humans who would rather see him dead.

            There were so many people, more than Kaz had ever seen in his life, and they were all dressed in loud, flashy feathers and glittering sequins. They did a double take when they saw Kaz, their eyes going wide with fright, and that came as a shock to Kaz.

            Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around?

            The hustle and bustle didn’t stop because of Kaz’s presence, though, and despite the whispers and the nervous glances, the performers eventually eased when they found that Kaz wasn’t going to attack them.

            Even if Oomen and Pekka hadn’t been flanking him and holding his restraints tightly, Kaz was limping too badly to really chase anyone.

            “Stop your feet-dragging,” Pekka hissed, low and threatening, into Kaz’s ear, and the Demjin recoiled a bit but obeyed, choking on screams.

 _“Help me!”_ he wanted to cry to the performers, for surely there had to be at least one of them who was as merciful as Matthias. _“Please help me!”_

            But he feared the consequences, feared that none of them would show sympathy and he would be dragged back to his cage and left to starve for a week, so he remained silent.

            In this section of the park, it was much less ramshackle than the area where they kept the animals. The tents- for that was what Matthias had called them- were neat and lit from the inside, and Kaz watched in awe as humans slipped into them with normal clothes on and emerged with elaborate costumes. For a while they weaved through, stopping occasionally to chat with loitering employees, all who cast furtive glances at Kaz every now and then over Pekka and Oomen’s shoulders.

            Eventually, they made their way to the performance tent, from which hundreds of muffled voices drifted.

            Many performers were lined up and ready to go, too giddy with pre-show jitters to really size up Kaz all that much, and for that the Demjin was thankful.

            “Most of the people here were drawn by the posters advertising the Demjin,” a weedy man with a dreadfully receding hairline told Pekka, clutching his clipboard tightly and tapping at certain areas with his pen. “Many are skeptical, and I’m afraid they might up and leave if we don’t present the Demjin first.”

            Pekka cursed, mulling it over a bit.

            “He’s supposed to be the final act.”

            “I know, that’s why I told you this. I knew it might pose a bit of a problem.”

            “Maybe we should take him around the arena, show him off and also get him habituated to the noise,” Oomen suggested. “We don’t want him spooking during the act, after all.”

            Pekka nodded, and Kaz was practically dragged into the backstage part of the tent, under the stands where the performers waited.

            He began to grow nervous, balking and straining against his bindings as the clamor and roar of voices assaulted his ears.

            “Poor thing’s scared to death,” Kaz heard one of the lion tamers mutter.

            “Even Demjin get stage fright,” an acrobat replied.

           “Don’t be such a bastard,” Pekka snapped as Kaz whined, pulling back with all his might, and the Demjin let out a sharp yelp as Oomen shoved him forward.

            Kaz was terrified.

            He had no idea what was going on.

            All he knew was that the stands were filled and it was loud, two things that weren’t high on the Demjin’s list of things he liked.

            Upon Pekka’s sharp command, someone pulled back the fabric concealing the backstage and revealed the arena like it was any other day.

            Only this time, instead of empty stands and dull colors, the tent was alive with decorations and spectators, all crammed onto the benches like sardines in a can. The poles for the acrobats had been set up, complete with tightrope and swings, and a small podium was in the center for the ringmaster.

            As soon as the audience caught sight of Kaz being tugged into the arena, they erupted into cheers.

            Kaz cried out in his fear- a cry that was drowned out by the roar of the crowd- and his heart was as quick as a jackrabbit as his lungs struggled to get enough air in and out. He fought against Pekka, his pupils but pinpoints in his irises while the crowd “Ooh”ed and “Ahh”ed as Kaz struggled to get away.

            He wasn’t even trying to escape his handlers.

            If he’d gotten away, he would’ve gone straight to his cage and cowered there for the rest of his life, but the crowd didn’t know that.

            To them, Kaz was fighting for his freedom.

            In their eyes, he was an untrainable beast who’d been caught and overpowered, his wild nature harnessed enough to have him perform in the circus.

            In reality, he was just a small, timid juvenile who wanted to go home.

            He said so to Pekka, knowing fully well that the man wouldn’t beat him in front of this many people.

            “Go home,” he pleaded hoarsely. “I want to go home.”

            “I know you’re scared, but don’t be,” Pekka assured, his words sickly sweet. He gave Kaz’s cheek a pat. “This is your home now.”

            Kaz felt like he would burst into tears had those tears not already been wept dry a long time ago.

            For a while, they walked him around the arena, right on the perimeter where he could see the eyes of the spectators zeroed in on him. They were loud and obnoxious, and more times than not Kaz spooked, jerking so rapidly that his bindings were nearly ripped from Pekka and Oomen’s hands. After a few laps, though, he grew accustomed to it, and instead of concentrating on the faces, he concentrated on the space in front of him, which looked so familiar and yet so alien in the bright, festive lighting.

            They brought Kaz back outside after as the show began, letting the Demjin lie in the dirt and shield himself with his wings.

            Many times, a performer who wasn’t in the arena came up to ask, “Is he okay?”

            “Yes. _It_ has stage fright,” would always be the response.

            Kaz was shaking hard, and he had trouble breathing right, his inhales shaky and his exhales ragged.

            “Calm yourself,” Pekka ordered, nudging Kaz with his boot. To any outsider, it would seem like a playful, joking gesture, but Kaz knew all too well that it was a threat.

            _I will not hesitate to kick you,_ it warned.

            Kaz tried to ease his breathing, but every now and then the crowd would erupt into applause and shouts and he would be thrown into a fit all over again. Pekka made various half-hearted attempts to console, but eventually Kaz grew irritated by them and didn’t hesitate to gnash his teeth in warning the next time Pekka tried to swoop in.

            “Listen, you should be grateful that we were the ones who found you,” Pekka growled, and Kaz somehow managed to shrink farther into the dirt. “We could’ve been hunters or traffickers. You could’ve been a laborer working in the mines- never seeing daylight for months at a time, or worse,” a wicked smile spread over Pekka’s face, and Kaz’s trembling grew more violent. That smile never meant good things, “a bed slave.”

            Pekka continued, “That’s what you were going to be had I not _rescued_ you. Traffickers would’ve gotten to you first, and who in their right mind would pass up this pretty face.” His grin turned into a sneer, and Kaz tried to curl in tighter on himself. “I bet an old widow or a rich mercher would pay big bucks to have an exotic little thing like you keep their bed warm at night.”

            “It would rip their throats out,” Oomen deadpanned plainly, folding his arms over his chest.

            “Ah, yes, then maybe you’d be sold to the haggard crew of a vast ship to keep morale high during long trips at sea. All of them strong enough to keep you on your hands and knees.”

            “Let the poor thing alone,” came a voice from behind them, and all eyes turned to look at a lithe Suli acrobat who didn’t seem the least bit happy. “Can’t you see you’ve terrorized him enough?”

            “And who might you be?” Pekka scoffed, and Kaz tried to use his eyes to give the young woman a warning. Angering Pekka was worse than angering any god imaginable, in Kaz’s opinion, and he wanted to save this beautiful young woman from the fate that Kaz suffered constantly at the hands of his brutal trainer. 

Did humans beat other humans like how Pekka beat Kaz?

            “That is none of your concern,” she replied shortly. “But we are both acts in this show and therefore we are both equals, no matter which one of us is wearing the costume.” She glared down at the glittery one-piece she boasted as if it had offended her just by existing. “And I’m telling you, politely, to leave the Demjin alone. He is frightened enough by the crowds.”

            And with that, she turned on her heel and left leaving the three men staring after her with identical expressions of surprise.

            “That little whore, thinks she’s so damn special-”

            “You’re on in ten minutes,” the weedy man with the clipboard reminded Pekka, and Kaz was abruptly hauled up and back into the tent, where the waiting performers watched in awe as Pekka removed Kaz’s bindings.

            The Demjin’s first instinct was to bolt, but Pekka smoothed the whip down his back, a warning, and Kaz could only stand there, trembling, as the clear liquid was applied to his ankles by Oomen.

             He whined, the burning still agony, but was silenced by a glare as Oomen began to apply stripes of brightly colored paint to his ankles to hide the agonized skin.

            He’s not sure how long they waited at the entrance to the arena, listening to the ringmaster rattle off foreign words that seemed to make the crowd excited, and in that time Kaz was able to process the fact that the whip Pekka was holding was different from the one that he used during the training sessions.

            It was bright pink and had glittery stripes along the handle, and there were brightly- colored feathers tied at the end like it was some sort of cat toy.

            The audience would probably think of it as a prop, Kaz realized, rather than something that could slash and hurt.

            “And now, I present, the one and only Demjin!” the ringmaster crowed, followed by a cacophony of cheers and yells.

            “ _Razrushost_ ,” Pekka muttered, and Kaz felt his burning feet turn to lead.

            That wasn’t right; Razrushost was the cue for the routine.

            It wasn’t like they were doing the routine in front of all of these people, right?

            “ _Razrushost!”_ Pekka demanded, his voice sharper now that Kaz had refused to respond, and he cracked the whip, effectively spurring Kaz into action.

            The Demjin just let his mind do the work, let it recall the hundreds of times they’d gone over this. All he had to do was follow what they’d rehearsed. He spread his wings and launched himself into the air, and people let out shrieks and cries of shock and delight as he flew laps around the large cage that separated him from the audience.

            The hundreds of sets of eyes threw him off a bit and made his heart relocate itself into his throat, and the Demjin accidentally circled five times instead of four, distracted by their burning gazes. He quickly corrected himself, spiraling downward towards the center as Pekka jovially greeted the crowd, who cheered for him as the Demjin descended and alighted onto the ringmaster’s podium, choking down a scream as his ankles blazed white-hot.

            Kaz forced a smile and waved at the stands, only now realizing that he was meant to be waving at the people sitting in them rather than the stands themselves. It was surprising how much the routine made sense now.

            Pekka smoothed the whip over Kaz’s back again, and gave the cue to begin.

            Kaz launched into the air and clung to the bars, scaring the living Jesus out of a ton of people, who quickly got over their fear and began to grin, waving at him. Hesitantly- since Pekka hadn’t explicitly instructed him to do so- he waved back, and that just made them more excited. He went around the rink for a few moments, waving to various people and forcing himself to seem happy, before Pekka’s whistle signaled him into the next portion of the act.

            The hoops had been set up some time between Kaz’s habituation and now, and Kaz leapt through each one with ease, though he nearly bit his tongue off every time his feet hit the ground and agony spiked up his ankle and calf.

            “Not that impressive, right?” Pekka announced to the audience, his tone still jovial despite the fact that the line had been rehearsed tons of times prior. The audience disagreed, and there were many murmurs of how awe-inspiring it was. “I think we can do better.”

            We.

            As if Pekka was the one jumping through the hoops.

            The crew filtered from backstage and bustled to the hoops, the crowd chattering excitedly as the rods holding up the hoops were elongated, raising them higher off the ground. The highest had to be at least ten feet up.

            “Do you think the Demjin can do this?” Pekka boomed as the crew made themselves scarce, and there was a motley of replies, ranging from “Of course!” to “Not on your life!” He let them converse and argue amongst themselves, grinning as hasty bets were made, before saying, “Well, let’s see!”

            Another signal, and Kaz was taking off towards the first hoop, leaping through it easily and tucking and rolling before coming back on his feet. The cheers were deafening, and a bead of sweat ran down Kaz’s temple as he made his way to the next hoop. His feet felt like they were on fire, and that was probably the reason why Pekka always kept Kaz running, so people wouldn’t notice his limp.

            The hoops were raised and raised, and eventually set on fire, but Kaz was going through the motions at this point, his mind focusing on not making Pekka cross and on the agony rather than the actual performance itself.

            It helped him cope, in a way.

            He balanced on the bottles, played soccer with a beat-up ball, did handstands and backflips, and broke a slab of wood with his horns. He slapped Pekka’s rear like he was taught and Pekka pretended to be offended and chide him as if it hadn’t been rehearsed, causing a bountiful amounts of laughter from the crowds.

             Kaz was exhausted by the time to two of them bowed and waited for the cheers to die down, and nearly passed out as he dragged himself backstage, the ringmaster hurrying back to the podium to announce the show’s conclusion.

            As he hobbled along behind Pekka on the way back to the cage, his restraints back in place, he saw people siting around a large bonfire and rejoicing from the successful performance.

            Idly, he wondered if he should throw himself into the blaze; Pekka was the only one holding the ropes that bound him, and he could easily muster up enough strength to rip them out of his hands and leap to the flames.

            Would anyone miss him?

            Matthias, perhaps.

            And Jordie.

            The thought of Jordie made his stomach twist. The migration up north was set to begin in a few moons, and if Kaz didn’t show up…

            Jordie would probably think his younger brother to be dead. He’d probably stay behind, risking his life to try and uncover Kaz’s remains. Perhaps he’d died of a fall? Or had a mountain lion get him? But he would find nothing, because Kaz’s bones and ashes would probably be fed to the dog trainer’s collies, his horns mounted on the wall like trophies.

            It would be a disgraceful death.

            As Kaz was loaded back into the cage and served dinner, which was more prestigious since the slabs of meat weren’t rotting, he realized that he didn’t care if his death was disgraceful, didn’t care that he wouldn’t be buried with all of the rituals of his kind.

            As long as it was death, it didn’t matter.

            And that scared him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked it! I'm planning on making this one of the longest fics ever, because this fandom needs some super long fics to get invested with.


	3. Lay Your Weary Head to Rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning(s): Murder, Abandonment, Depression, Verbal Abuse, Physical Abuse.

_“You are living on a merry-go-_

_round’ and round’ you seem to go_

_Understand that we have no time,_

_For the circus of your mind.”_

_-“Circus of Your Mind” from the Broadway musical Finding Neverland_

\----Ӝ----

 

**III.**

 

**LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST**

_Chapter Soundtrack: "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas_ **  
**

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            _“We can’t afford to keep your brother here,” the chieftain told Jordie softly, sinking to one knee to get the young boy at eye level._

_The rain that hailed from above had caused the paint that decorated the chieftain’s arms and face to drip, the dyed mud causing rivers of color to run across the man’s skin._

_He continued on, ducking his head wearily, “The women have just given birth. They don’t have enough to nurture both their offspring and your brother. I’m sorry.”_

_“But it’s not our fault that the mountain lion left us motherless!” Jordie insisted, clutching his infant brother- who was only a few moons older than the newest batch of children- more tightly against his chest. “Why are we being punished for something that’s no fault of our own?”_

_“It’s simply the way things are. Our tribe cannot support a motherless infant who is incapable of eating solid food like you can,” the chieftain replied. “In giving Kazimer to one of the other women, you are endangering the child that she already has, who will have to compete for the food supply.” He looked around at the solemn faces that made up the rest of the tribe, all of which were female. “I know for a fact that these mothers are unwilling to sacrifice their own flesh and blood for your brother.”_

_Jordie’s wings flared in his anger, and he tossed his head, his hair- which was almost plastered completely to his head from the rain- parting just slightly to reveal the beginnings of horns curling around his temples. It was rude to do such things in front of the chieftain, but Jordie paid the nervous tribe no heed as his lips curled._

_Kaz was fussing, his face scrunched up and red as he cried, partly because of the bitterly cold rain that was bombarding them and partly because he hadn’t been nursed since yesterday, before their mother died. The poor thing was probably starving._

_“It can be a group effort,” one of the females suggested, cradling her baby girl against her chest. “We can take turns nursing him.”_

_“Nonsense,” another snapped, and the clearing they were gathered in broke out into agitated chatter._

_“Enough,” the chieftain boomed, and everyone fell silent. He turned to Jordie, who tried but failed to stand tall with the man’s gaze boring into him. “I’m going to give you an ultimatum, boy: You can either leave the tribe and take Kazimer with you- dooming both the child and yourself to perish at the cruel, unforgiving hands of Mother Nature- or, you can stay in the tribe and live a long prosperous life, but you must leave Kazimer behind.”_

_“That’s giving him a death sentence!” Jordie spat, shielding his brother with his wings, and Kaz let out another soft sob, his chubby hands fisting the furs that clothed Jordie as he buried his face into the boy’s shoulder, muffling his own cries._

_“There is no other way that we can support him,” the chieftain pointed out matter-of-factly, his voice tight and his wings sweeping, irritated._

_“Is no one willing to nurse him?” Jordie turned slowly to regard the women whom he’d considered aunts and sisters throughout his time with his mother, his tone accusing. “The son of your fallen comrade? Your fallen sister? You are willing to let him_ die? _”_

_There was no response, just wide eyes and shifting wings and feet. Occasionally, another child would join Kaz in his fussing, but they were quickly hushed._

_“Choose,” the chieftain rumbled. “Your brother’s life, or both of your lives.”_

_Jordie hesitated, looking down at the tiny Demjin that was cocooned in his wings, shielded at last from the rain._

_Now that the icy droplets weren’t stinging his skin, the infant had quieted and was now staring up at Jordie with large, brown eyes that looked all too similar to their mothers’ eyes. When their gazes met, Kaz made a cooing sound and gave Jordie a toothless grin._

_“I can’t. I can’t leave him,” Jordie murmured, watching as Kaz gurgled and stuffed a meaty fist into his mouth. “I would never be able to live with myself if I abandoned him.”_

_The chieftain sighed, running a hand down his face and streaking the watery paint to an even further extent, making it look more like war paint than anything else._

_“Very well,” the chieftain sighed. “You may return any way you like, but you may_ not _return to us with that baby.” And with that, he was setting off back the way they came, his hulking figure silhouetting in the dark before he disappeared off into the trees._

_There was a moment of hesitation among the rest of the tribe, the females arguing softly amongst themselves._

_Though the males acted like they had all of the control, the unspoken reality was that it actually belonged to the females. They weren’t obligated to stay with one chieftain at all times; they could skip around from tribe to tribe, and sometimes only stayed long enough to get pregnant before going off and joining another tribe that consisted of only women._

_Perhaps some of them would decide to stay with Jordie and Kaz._

_However, there were only a few moments of indecision before they eventually decided to follow in suit. Only a few of them looked back before they too disappeared behind the trees._

_Jordie had no idea how long he stood there, staring at the woodlands into which his tribe had gone. His wings unfurled and drooped, almost flattening into the mud, and Kaz immediately began to fuss again as his soft, delicate skin was assaulted by the rain._

_The Demjin had known that he would have to leave the tribe at some point; tribes consisted of one male (except on occasions where brothers were a part of the same tribe) and several females. They had offspring together, and when that offspring grew of age- whether they were male or female- they had to leave the tribe. Females left in order to prevent accidental inbreeding and usually joined the first group they came across, and males left to go start new tribes._

_Jordie had prepared himself to leave when he had come of age._

_Never had he imagined he would be sent off so soon, with an infant in his charge no less._

_“I’ll never leave you,” Jordie promised, holding Kaz tighter even as the infant cried. “I promise.”_

_Unsure and terrified of being alone, Jordie had carried Kaz back to the only person that he thought could protect them: their mother, however dead she may have been._

_The two of them loitered around the area, feeding off the corpse of the mountain lion that their mother had managed to kill, though not before it had mortally wounded her. She saved their lives even when she was no longer with them; had the mountain lion not been slain, they would’ve starved early on._

_Jordie used sharp stones to skin the animal and use its hide for warmth, and had fed Kaz to the best of his ability, chewing up the meat into a pulp before depositing it into the infant’s mouth._

_They’d been on the brink of death when they were found by another tribe that was passing through._

_“Oh my god!” the chieftain bellowed, “What’s this?”_

_They must’ve been quite the sight; a young boy and an infant sitting in a pool of dried blood, with the mangled body of their mother on one side and the skinned, barely recognizable corpse of a mountain lion on the other._

_The chieftain began to approach, slowly, and Jordie shrank back, his wings rising high over his head as he bared his teeth._

_“Don’t come any closer,” Jordie warned, pulling the lion skin tighter around his shoulders. He’d been told stories of aggressive tribes- ones that killed anyone unfortunate enough to wander into their path- and wasn’t about to be killed after he and Kaz had survived thus far._

_“We’re not going to hurt you,” one of the females assured. She was carrying her child in a sling, and Jordie was practically seething with envy as his arms grew tired from holding Kaz close. “Where is your tribe?”_

_“Gone.”_

_There was one female all the way in the back, Jordie noticed, that had no child with her. She was smiling._

_“You don’t have one?” the chieftain asked, his brows knitting. He was wearing a headdress made of eagle feathers, and his bright blue eyes contrasted with his dark skin._

_Jordie shook his head._

_“But you have a cub with you.”_

_“We were abandoned as soon as our mother was killed.” All eyes went to the mangled body of Jordie’s mother, but he refused to look. It already pained him to be near her, much less look at her._

_The chieftain paused for a few moments, taking it in, before turning to the woman in the back._

_“Petra?”_

_“Yes?” The woman seemed surprised to be brought into the conversation._

_“How would you like a cub?”_

_As it turned out, Petra, like the other females, had given birth earlier. However, the cub that was delivered had been too weak, and died within an hour. She was still lactating, though, and had been more than delighted to take Kaz in._

_“What’s his name?” Petra asked with tears in her eyes as she stared down at Kaz, whom she had laid on her lap. He was gurgling happily, and grabbing onto her long black hair when it dangled in front of his face._

_“Kazimer,” Jordie replied, sitting cross-legged in front of her. “I call him Kaz, though.”_

_“That’s a beautiful name,” she murmured. “Kaz.”_

            _The mere fact that Petra existed was a reason why Jordie still believed in miracles._

 

\----Ӝ----

            It didn’t take long for Kaz to fall into a depression.

            He was showed every other night, and worked hard all day every day except Sunday, which was mostly because Pekka and Oomen would rather have Sunday dinner with their families than deal with Kaz’s worsening attitude. 

            Not only was the Demjin becoming increasingly aggressive, but he was also becoming increasingly miserable (though it wasn’t like he hadn’t been miserable before).

            He slept when he wasn’t working with Pekka, and sometimes was too tired to even eat, which was the one thing that Pekka couldn’t force him to do, since that would require going into his cage.

            Matthias still came each night to talk to him, but the note of concern in his voice made it clear that he was aware of Kaz’s condition.

            He was wasting away.

            Kaz could barely stand, his ankles too deteriorated to support him, much less show. And many times, in front of an audience, he’d stumbled and fallen, though Pekka did a good job of making it seem intentional.

            Training sessions mostly consisted of Pekka beating Kaz while the Demjin struggled to get up, the sickening sound of the club connecting with his body doing nothing to help.

            “No more!” he begged, clawing at the ground as his feet churned uselessly in the sand in an attempt to get up. “No more!”

            “Shut up, you bastard!” Pekka bellowed, and the blows came harder. “You’ve humiliated me for the last couple of shows! Stand up!”

            “I can’t,” Kaz sobbed hoarsely, going limp. “I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t-”

            “Yes, you can!”

            The rest of the session was spent in agony.

            That night, Kaz would not allow Matthias to enter his cage. The Demjin was bruised, bleeding, and broken, but he still lunged at the Fjerdan when the bearish man had ignored the growls of warning. Matthias tried to step around him, tried to ignore the claws that shred his pants and the fangs that narrowly missed him, but eventually he realized that Kaz wasn’t just playing around. He didn’t want him here.

            The Fjerdan didn’t leave, though. He never did. He simply sat outside of the door and talked to Kaz, who tried to ignore him, but it didn’t take long for Kaz to give up and crawl over to the other side door, where he slumped and pressed his nose into the space between the door and the floor, taking in Matthias’ scent to make sure that the man wouldn’t abandon him.

            “You ready to be mature?” Matthias rumbled, but there was a smile in his voice. “I can come in if you won’t attack. Would you like that?”  

            Kaz didn’t know what the words meant, but he let out a soft noise that could pass for affirmation, dragging himself away from the door as it unlocked and was pushed open.

            The rest of the night was spent curled up next to Matthias, never touching- he’d accumulated an aversion to touch- but the two were still able to enjoy each other’s company.

            It came to the point where even Pekka realized that it was no use.

            “Come on!” the man bellowed, banging the club on the frame of the door as Kaz blinked around groggily.  “Up! Up! Up! You have another show tonight!”

            Kaz allowed his eyes to slip closed. Perhaps, if he tried hard enough, he would wake up in his cave. It would all be just a terrible dream, albeit a long one.

            “Demjin, you better get your ass up or I swear to Ghezen I will-”

            Kaz stopped listening after that, succumbing to a fog that had settled upon his mind.

             When was the last time he’s so much as looked at the rotting meat in his food trough, much less eaten it?

            He just lay there as Pekka screamed obscenities and threatened him, waving his club around but refusing to step into the cage or leave to go get the whip. It was the whip that usually made Kaz move.

            “You’ve been given me such a hard time for the past few weeks-”

            “That might be because the poor thing can’t walk,” a vaguely familiar voice pointed out, and Pekka cursed, whirling around to regard someone whose face was hidden by the solid wall that the door was set into.

            Kaz watched them with lazy, distant eyes.

            “You again, you little whore. Don’t tell me how to do my job!” Pekka boomed, and Kaz wondered what Pekka had had to go through to build up such hatred in his heart. At first, Kaz had thought that Pekka had only hated Kaz specifically, but as time went on and the trainer reacted to different people, the Demjin realized that Pekka seemed to have compassion for no one.

            “If you keep working the Demjin like this, pretty soon you won’t have one,” the young woman replied, still hidden from Kaz’s eyes. Had she just taken a step forward, she would’ve been brought into view- visible through the opening in the door- and he struggled to pin down the face that belonged to the voice.

            “Oh, and what makes you so sure of that?” Pekka demanded, planting his hands on his hips as his face contorted into an ugly sneer.

            “Matthias has been confiding in me,” the voice replied, and Kaz perked up a bit at the human’s name. “He says he’s very worried about the Demjin. The skin and muscle and bone in his ankles have been weakened permanently by the kerosene, and if you keep applying it, they will eventually give out.”

            “Who gives a shit? If we keep showing him, the money keeps on coming. We keep him performing until his ankles give out and we put a bullet through his fucking skull.”

            “We have no idea how many of these creatures are still alive. He could be the last one,” a note of irritation had managed to seep into her voice. “What will you do then? When he dies and you have no job?”

            “Nothing. I’ll be out rolling in dough.”

            “His death may be closer than you think,” Kaz caught a glimpse of a hand as it swept out in a wide gesture toward Kaz, who was curled far off into the corner on his bed of hay. “He’s already so weak. Are you financially ahead as of right now? Would you be as well off as you say you’ll be if he were to drop dead this second?”

            Pekka opened his mouth to argue, but hesitated, turning to stare at Kaz.

            Kaz stared back, too numb to really feel much fear.

            After a while, Pekka finally conceded, “I’ll take it up with Van Eck.”

            “Thank you.”  

            “It’s for my job, not the Demjin.”

            “I know, but still- thank you.”

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Kaz was given a leave.

            Two months, they said.

            That’s it, they said.

            Kaz didn’t know this, however, and was puzzled to say the least when Matthias steered him away from the arena and into the forest.

            Why were they going into the forest? Kaz was pretty sure that he didn’t have to go to the bathroom, and he didn’t need a bath, either.

If that was the case, then shouldn’t he be training with Pekka and Oomen, then?

            He began to grow nervous as Matthias led him deeper and deeper into the woods, away from the paths that he normally followed.

            What if Matthias got him in trouble? Kaz knew that the man didn’t mean to be breaking the rules, but the Demjin refused to be a blind follow and get himself into a mess. 

            “Go back,” he advised in his choppy Kerch, coming to a stop and straining against his bonds when Matthias kept going. Kaz tried again, fighting the man every step of the way, “Go back!”

            Matthias didn’t respond, but a smile was playing on his lips.

            Perhaps he didn’t understand. After all, he, too, was still having trouble grasping the language.

            “ _Go_ … _go…go back_ ,” Kaz managed to stutter out, tripping over his own tongue as he attempted to form the syllables of Matthias’ native language. If Kaz’s Kerch was bad, then his Fjerdan was downright awful.

            “You are learning well,” Matthias congratulated, clapping Kaz’s shoulder with a hand the size of a bear’s paw despite the Demjin’s flinching away. “But we’re not going back. Keep on.”

            Kaz growled as the Fjerdan made a move to continue.

            “No,” Kaz snapped, tossing his head. “Bad.”

            “It’s not bad. We’re going somewhere important,” Matthias explained, tugging on the chain that was connected to Kaz’s cuffs in an attempt to get him to move along.

            “No!” Kaz insisted, his wings beating rapidly in his irritation as he took a few more steps back. “Bad. No. Mad Pekka. Ouch. No. Go back.”

            His face was flaming at his lack of ability to piece together a full sentence, but that would require using words that he didn’t know in the human tongue.

            “Pekka won’t get mad,” Matthias assured, and Kaz swallowed hard before reluctantly following him through the trees.

            Being here, deep in this forest, made Kaz incredibly homesick.

            Though the trees here weren’t conifers and shed their leaves every winter, the tall trunks scattered about and the leaves blocking the sunlight from above mimicked those in the Sikurzoi. With his homesickness, however, came his anxiety; Demjin, unless foraging or unless they were juveniles, never stayed on the ground for long, preferring the safety of the trees. Mountain lions and bears lurked on the ground, and sometimes were able to climb and snatch any unsuspecting individual from their perch, depending on how hungry the predators were.

            “We are almost there,” Matthias announced jovially as he marched along, with Kaz struggling to keep pace as he limped and stumbled along. The Fjerdan wasn’t doing it intentionally, he just had a huge stride. “I can see it.”

            “What?” Kaz asked, frowning.

            “Your new favorite place.”

            The trees began to thin out, the large, ancient ones shrinking to juvenile trees, then to bushes and shrubs, and finally to tall grasses.

            Kaz sucked in a breath, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Matthias grinning as the Demjin regarded the gigantic field that spread before him.

            “It used to be a farm,” Matthias explained. “But it is no more. Abandoned.” He gestured with his chin, and in the distance, Kaz could see an oddly shaped structure that he could only assume was a human den.

            The neat rows of crops had long since been replaced by rolling hills of grass, and Kaz reached out gingerly to run his fingers over some of the stalks, hesitant to the point where one might think it would explode if he didn’t treat it gently enough.

            The Demjin fell to his knees and began to roll in the grass, ignoring Matthias’ aborted attempts to hide his laughter and the way that the stalks chafed roughly against his skin.

            It had been such a long time since Kaz had felt _grass_.

            Matthias unhooked the chain and the Demjin took off, hobbling as fast as he could through the stalks, with Matthias hot on his heels.

            He tumbled and tripped and leapt about like a child at play, running as fast as he could and then floundering into the grass to roll a bit.

            The sunlight felt so good on his skin, and the earth felt so soft beneath his feet.

            It was wonderful.

            “Don’t fly above the tops of the trees, or else they’ll see you,” Matthias warned as Kaz began to beat his wings, the gigantic leathery sails filling the air with a sound like a beating heart. The Fjerdan cupped his hands over his mouth, “And please don’t fly away!”

            As Kaz circled the field, the wind whipping his hair and roaring in his ears as he swerved and dived, he contemplated doing exactly that.

            He was practically out.

            No chains.

            No cages.

            No Pekka and Oomen, no club and no whip.

            It was just him and the open, cloudless sky that sprawled overhead like a vast ocean.

            He’d be able to just take off, and Matthias, being stuck on the ground, could do nothing to stop him.

            He began to rise, climbing higher and higher into the air.

            “Watch out, Demjin!” Matthias called as Kaz began to fly above the treetops.

            He could leave. He could leave right here, right now.

            He was going to leave.

            But then, out of habit, he turned to look at Matthias, who seemed like a mere ant on the ground; an ant that was waving his arms and shouting and pleading as Kaz grew farther and farther away.

            Pekka and Oomen would probably be furious, Kaz realized. They would probably take their anger out on Matthias, and perhaps use the club. It wasn’t like they hadn’t threatened to do so before.

            In leaving, Kaz was abandoning Matthias.

            He thought of the stories Jordie used to tell him when he was little, about how he’d had the choice to go with their mother’s tribe but had chosen to stay with Kaz.

            Kaz leaving Matthias would be like Jordie leaving Kaz- Matthias needed Kaz, almost as much as it was vice versa; he needed Kaz for his job, needed him as a friend.

            _“We are alike, you and I.”_

Slowly, he began to circle back down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next chapter! Hope you all liked it! Please leave a comment and kudos if you do!


	4. I Raised a Stone to End His Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Strong verbal and physical abuse. Starvation. Character death. Blood and gore. Forced drug use. Involuntary manslaughter. Miscarriages. Disease.

_“Pain is the only thing that’s telling me I’m alive.”_

_-Anonymous_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

**IV.**

**I RAISED A STONE TO END HIS PAIN**

_Chapter Soundtrack: "In the Woods Somewhere" by Hozier  
_

\----Ӝ----

 

_It had taken the tribe all too long to realize that it was the rats from the humans’ caravans that was making them sick._

_They’d thought that it was just easy pickings; they would wait until the travelers were out and about and then sneak into their carts to snack on the rats that took shelter within. The rodents had fed the tribe in times of hardship, as well as during the long migration south when food was scarce and morale was low, and had once been considered a blessing._

_That is, until all of the cubs began to die._

_Women suddenly found themselves giving birth to corpses, or simply not giving birth at all; many nights Kaz and Jordie were jolted from sleep by a woman’s screams as she woke up in a pool of blood. Many mating seasons came and went, and yet the tribe had yet to successfully sire a new generation; all of the cubs wound up dead, to the point where they ran out of room in the burial ground, opting to leave their lifeless forms for the mountain lions._

_This wasn’t just happening in Jordie and Kaz’s tribe._

_All tribes were suffering, and pretty soon it wasn’t just the cubs that died; adults began to get sick, too._

_The Queen Lady’s Plague, the humans called it._

_Bodies began to pile up, and chieftains would sometimes abandon their own tribes if someone showed symptoms in order to save their own skin._

_It was exactly what had happened to Jordie and Kaz’s tribe- the same man that had rescued them, taken them in as if they were his own- had abandoned them during the wee hours of the morning while everyone was asleep, and the two boys- the only boys- woke up to find a mass of faces staring at them expectantly._

_They’d wanted to keep up the tradition- the oldest male in the tribe gets the spot of chieftain if the current chieftain left or died without having a competitor take his place, but Petra had refused to allow Jordie to be put into such a stressful situation at such a young age._

_Therefore, they’d elected Petra as the new chieftain and, ultimately, Petra would be their saving grace._

_She steered the tribe away from all of the other tribes, isolating everyone in it from the rest of the world. Deeper and deeper she led them into the Sikurzoi, past rolling hills and snaking rivers and mountains that seemed to touch the sky. The journeying left everyone weary, but she pushed them to fly that extra mile, to wake up just a bit earlier._

_“We won’t be able to get back to our homeland!” one of the women fretted as the wind whipped at the tribe’s faces. A steep canyon opened up beneath them as they soared through the skies, its ragged jaws of rock open as if to devour them. “I don’t know what direction to fly in anymore to get back!”_

_“Our homeland is no longer our homeland,” Petra replied from the front of the formation, her wings shifting and rippling as the air currents beneath them lifted her up. “It belongs to the Queen Lady’s plague now.”_

_Nobody could really argue with that, and they all lapsed into silence._

_Kaz began to fuss from being held for so long, squirming in Jordie’s hold as his brother desperately tried to make sure the two-year-old didn’t wriggle out of his arms and fall to his death. He was the youngest in the tribe despite having been a part of it for so long, the only other child that had survived the plague being about his age._

_His name was Jesper, and Jordie hoped that he and Kaz would be playmates when they were old enough to tottle around and explore the world together._

_“Look!”_

_Jordie wasn’t sure who’d said it, but as soon as he looked up, his mouth dropped open._

_There, right beneath them, was a sprawling valley that was wider than any one he’d ever seen before. Grasses grew tall and wildflowers decorated the landscape with beautiful tapestries of yellow, white, and purple._

_The trees were ancient, their branches twisted and gnarled and their canopies of leaves ginormous- perfect for making homes in._

_“I think we’ve found paradise,” he heard Petra murmur._

\----Ӝ----

 

            Nothing worked.

            Even the two months off had done little to help Kaz recover, and he felt his life spinning even more out of control as it dawned on him: he would be like this forever.

            He would be a cripple hobbling around for the rest of his miserable life, barely able to walk, much less run, and if he somehow managed to teleport to the Sikurzoi at that very moment, he would’ve most surely perished, unable to react as quickly as he used to.

            Since he’d come of age and had been kicked out of his tribe, he was expected to start a new one. But Kaz didn’t want that, didn’t want to have to be in charge of a large group of women and children who all depended on him to follow the herds of elk and caribou and protect them from mountain lions and other competing males when they were asleep or nursing.

            No one would want to be under a cripple’s care because they knew that he wouldn’t be able to provide for them, and other tribes certainly wouldn’t want to take in a burden, someone who was unable to hunt in small spaces because his wings were the only things that could carry him, rather than his feet.

            He would never be able to join a tribe, much less begin one, and he would never sire any children. Up until that point, had Kaz learned that it would take a long time before he had any sons or daughters, he would’ve been totally fine with that. But learning that he would _never_ be able to lie with someone? _Never_ be able to experience being a father? It chilled him to the very marrow; having a family was what he’d been told to do ever since he’d been a cub:

_“You need to begin your own tribe straight away so you can start the next generation.”_

_“You shouldn’t remain a bachelor forever. All men need to begin families and have strong women- or men- in their lives to keep them grounded. Without that, a man is nothing.”_

_“You want to have as many children as possible to keep your bloodline going.”_

            And now all of that was gone, scattered like ashes thrown to the wind.

            It didn’t help that Pekka and Oomen were desperately trying to rehabilitate him in any way possible.

            An endless stream of doctors and Grisha healers seemed to mill in and out of Kaz’s cage at every waking moment, poking and prodding at him as he snapped and snarled in his fear, the only thing keeping his teeth from sinking into their arms being the wire muzzle that they always strapped him into prior to the doctors’ arrivals. 

            They jabbed him with needles, tried to splint his ankles so they could support themselves, and one even suggested infusing metal into his bones via a hired Grisha to reinforce them. All efforts proved to be futile, until the doctors simply began to suggest drugs. They wouldn’t help the ankles support themselves or help them heal, they would just keep Kaz from feeling the pain and perhaps he’d be able to perform.

            It was still a dead end, but that didn’t make Pekka and Oomen ease up one bit; Kaz’s moments of lucidness grew few and far between as they forced him to swallow tablets and pills and injected him with various things like he was some sort of lab rat. He was so drugged up that all coherent thoughts ceased, replaced with a pleasant haze that addled his mind and kept him from focusing on anything for longer than a few moments.

            “They are ruining you,” Matthias murmured as Kaz’s head kept swiveling back and forth, his eyes rolling up into his head occasionally as he ran his tongue over his fangs idly. “They are the monsters here.” Kaz made a gurgling sound, an indecipherable noise that neither of the two men could comprehend.

            _More drugs_ , the doctors suggested. It’s what they _always_ suggested. _He needs more drugs._

They gave him pills to wake him up, “Uppers”, and it kept him slightly functional as he blundered through the routine like a bull in a China shop, still limping like a madman but able to play it down a bit now that the pain was gone. He showed, but the routine was mostly flying now. However, the Uppers gave him too much energy, and he found himself unable to close his eyes when it was time to go to bed. The doctors prescribed “Downers”, which forced Kaz to sleep. The sleeping, however, lasted too long, and that forced him to take two Uppers, which made him need two Downers. And then he was taking three Uppers and three Downers and then four Uppers and four Downers and then five Uppers and six Downers…

            It was a vicious cycle, until eventually Pekka and Oomen ran out of money to purchase these drugs and they found themselves in a tight spot. Without the numbing medication, Kaz would be in too much pain to perform well, and performing poorly was worse than not performing at all- if people saw how awful Kaz’s condition was, they would bar their friends and family from spending their money, and money wasted was worse than murder, in Jan Van Eck’s opinion.

            “What are we gonna do?!” Pekka slurred as Kaz paced back and forth in his cage, saliva dribbling from his lips as his mouth frothed.

            The Demjin ran a tongue over his fangs, his eyes feral and unseeing.

            They were the eyes of a wild animal.

            He could smell the alcohol in the wind, and on Pekka and Oomen’s breath, and that only made him pace more, his wings lashing in his irritation as he bared his teeth.

            Pekka went up to the bars, the reek of alcohol hanging around him like a cloud of smog, and pushed the club through the bars to nudge the Demjin, trying to keep him from crawling around. Normally, Kaz would’ve been fearful of the warning, but all of his ability to reason had gone out the window- the drugs were addling his mind, making it difficult to really think- much less think straight- and he lunged at the club instead of shying away from it, yanking it out of Pekka’s hand and ripping it up with his teeth and claws.

            “The thing is done,” Pekka hiccupped, shaking his head drowsily as Kaz’s claws left deep gauges in the wood. “The drugs have made it insane. Hopefully that’ll wear off when it realizes we’re not giving him another dose.”

            “Perhaps we can retire him,” Matthias suggested, shrinking back a bit as the two other men snapped for him to be quiet, and Kaz roared his disapproval, scrabbling at the bars. Until the man had spoken, he hadn’t even known Matthias had been there- his vision was just a mass of blurry silhouettes that all looked the same. “He cannot have his own performance, that’s for sure.”

            “Do you think I don’t know that?” Pekka hissed, jabbing an accusing finger at him as he rocked on his feet. “I’ve been drinkin’ to try and forget that. All I need is one more year from this thing. One more year and then I’m high tailing it back to the big city.”

            “Why would you want to go back to Ketterdam? Os Alta- that’s where you’re staying, right?- is much cleaner and nicer. Ravka in general is much cleaner and nicer.”

            “This is none of your damn business!” Pekka’s bellowed, and Kaz could only see red, froth dribbling from his mouth and running down his neck as he slammed his head against the bars in an attempt to get to Pekka and rip out his throat, “I am sick and tired of you trying to force your Good Samaritan shit on us!”

            As the two men bickered, a silhouette that Kaz could only assume was Oomen began to back up towards the bars, almost fully concentrated on the fight going on, and Kaz leapt forward and swatted at him through the bars, his arm reaching out and his claws nearly splitting the trainer’s jugular as he leapt away just in time.

            The two men paid him no heed, and one of the men, Matthias- Kaz, assumed- began to jab an accusing finger at the man he was arguing with, advancing forward as he forced the other man- Pekka- to back up.

            Closer. Closer. Closer.

            Kaz could barely process what they were yelling, but all he knew was that it was making him irritated, and he bore all of his weight against the bars as Matthias forced Pekka- who seemed to be too absorbed in the fight to really pay attention to where he was going- closer to Kaz’s cage.

            Closer. Closer. Closer.

            With a triumphant screech, Kaz lunged at Pekka’s hazy, not-really-recognizable form, and Matthias the silhouette stumbled back as Kaz’s clawed fingers clamped around Pekka’s throat, which was thicker than he remembered it being.

            He didn’t care, though. All he cared about was making sure Pekka was dead.

            Ignorant to the screams that he couldn’t understand, Kaz shredded the man’s throat, feeling the fingers scrabbling at his hands loosen as blood gushed over them and exploded into Kaz’s mouth as he sank his teeth into the back of the man’s head, tearing out chunks of flesh as crimson was slathered over the lower half of his face.

            Pekka was laughing, a terrible, terrible sound that would haunt Kaz for years to come.

            Wait, how was that possible? Kaz couldn’t hear his heartbeat. He was dead. His lifeblood was dribbling from Kaz’s chin- mixing with the foam- and soaking his arms up to the wrist.

            Kaz let the man’s mangled corpse fall to the ground, listening to the lifeless thump it made, and was pretty sure that Pekka was dead.

            Perhaps his spirit had returned to haunt and torture Kaz for a little longer- Pekka wasn’t really known for letting Kaz be, and the Demjin didn’t think that that would be any different, even in death.

            Kaz stared down at the body, squinting through the haze and trying to force himself to think. To try and piece together what the hell was going on.

            For a single moment his vision cleared, but that was all the time that Kaz needed to process what had really happened.

            There, on the ground, wasn’t Pekka.

            It was Matthias.

            Kaz felt like he was going to vomit- Matthias’ blood was in his hair, on his hands, and was sharp and metallic in his mouth. Bits of his flesh were caught in Kaz’s nails and were scattered around, and some of it was even _caught in his teeth_.

            Kaz screamed.

            Pekka only laughed.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            The drugs stopped coming, and with the lack of drugs came Kaz’s lack of ability to just slip away and forget, to go numb.

            The tears came and they came hard, and he’d thought that he was above crying after those first few weeks; he’d thought that he had nothing left to lose, that there was nothing left worth crying over anymore, but he’d been mistaken.

            There was _always_ more left to lose.

            The Demjin were not like other wild creatures, who would perhaps feel a bit sad about the death and then move on, unlike what Pekka had first thought- the trainer’s beliefs were disproved as howls of mourning echoed throughout the circus camp day and night.

            Kaz refused to calm down, no matter how many times the whip tore his skin to ribbons, and the Demjin wept when the men dragged Matthias’ body away, burying his face in his hands and heaving on sobs.

            He wanted to be there. He wanted to bury Matthias with all of the rituals of Kaz’s people, because in Kaz’s eyes, Matthias was one of them. He’d been one of them ever since that first day when he’d walked Kaz back to his cage and spoke to him through the night.

            His dream had been to go home- back to Fjerda and his lover, Nina.

That would never happen, and it was all Kaz’s fault.

After the first week, his wails of mourning that drifted on the wind day in and day out puttered out into soft cries and then eventually into quiet sobs.

They’d stopped showing him- the combination of his weak ankles and his refusal to work made it impossible to present him in front of a crowd, and that left him with an angry Pekka and way too much time to wallow in his guilt.

_Maybe you are a monster after all._

_Matthias was the only one who thought you were good, and you killed him. How ironic._

_Nobody will ever talk or speak to you kindly ever again._

_Count down the days to go; you’re useless, and it won’t be long before they decide to shoot you._

_You’re a fucking disaster. You deserve to be put down._

This little voice dominated Kaz’s brain, whispering terrible things into his ear and making him sink into even farther of a depression.

He stopped eating, because with every rip of the raw cow meat and the ooze of blood into the trough, all he could think about was Matthias. The way he’d mauled him without a second thought, like he was some sort of animal.

He wasn't an animal.

At least, he didn’t think he was- the way that Matthias died begged to differ.

Pekka would beat him and yell, trying to get him to eat, but no matter how many times he was at the mercy of the club or the whip, Kaz refused to even look at the food, opting to curl up in the corner of his bed of straw and sleep the days away.

But even then, Matthias plagued his dreams- his mangled corpse was a prominent character in all of his dreams and unseeing eyes watched him from every angle, making want to disappear into the floor.

He barely felt the hunger, barely felt his stomach growling as the days dragged on and the nights lasted lifetimes. It helped him sleep, and helped keep his slumber dreamless, so he really didn’t mind it much.

His cheeks hollowed out, his ribs beginning to press against his skin, and his eyes sunk deep within his skull, the shadows under them becoming more pronounced even though he slept 23 out of 24 hours in the day.  

Never before had he felt so alone, so helpless.

He missed Matthias terribly, missed Jordie and Jesper and Petra and everyone from his tribe that he hadn’t seen since the year he’d been cast out when he’d come of age. He'd been looking forward to seeing them for the migration, but it was clear that he wasn’t going to make it to this one.

Everything changed when a soft hand on his shoulder shook him from sleep and a familiar voice said, “I’m going to help you.”

It wasn’t a question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter! Please leave kudos and a comment if you like it!
> 
> And just a note: There will be digital art coming soon for this fic! :)


	5. Lay Me Gently in the Cold, Dark Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): None

_“Light is easy to love. Show me your darkness.”_

_-R. Queen_

\----Ӝ----

 

**V.**

**LAY ME GENTLY IN THE COLD, DARK EARTH**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Work Song” by Hozier_

\----Ӝ----

 

            Inej.

            That was her name: Inej.

            The word was a litany in his head as he slipped in and out of alertness, finding himself being inexplicably cared for by this mysterious young woman who seemed to pop in and out of his life at random intervals; she was the acrobat who’d stood up for him during his first show, the one with whom Matthias confided about Kaz’s health, and despite only having encountered her twice, she seemed to know everything about Kaz.

            For the first few days of her arriving, she never left his side, which was odd; didn’t she have something better to do than nurse an old, crippled monster back to health? Apparently not.

            He constantly awoke to Inej filling his water and food trough, which was something that Pekka and Oomen were normally responsible for, and changing the hay bedding out when she felt it was needed. He was also aware of feather-light touches ghosting over his skin, checking his heart and his breathing and sometimes running over his face reverently when she thought that he was still asleep.

            It was a bit odd at first, hearing the familiar tread of feet coming down the path and not having them be the heavy footsteps of Matthias or Pekka or Oomen, and it was even more odd that he was receiving gentle touches rather than painful ones; this had to be the longest time he’d gone without feeling the sting from the whip on his skin or the throbbing of the club leaving bruises.

            Unlike Pekka and Oomen, Inej also seemed to have an infinite amount of patience, tolerating even the lowest of Kaz’s lows as the Demjin slowly healed.

            She fed him since he was unable to feed himself, and held water to his lips when he was thirsty, even going so far as to help him out of the cage and haul him into the woods so he would be able to go to the bathroom. Pekka and Oomen probably would’ve just let him soil himself, but for some reason, this acrobat was different.

            Most people cowered in fear whenever they laid eyes on him, with the exception of the crowd- but that was only because there was a cage separating them from Kaz.

            Inej didn’t even so much as bat an eyelash when the Demjin snapped or growled at her, gnashing his teeth when she checked his heart and nearly lunging when she laid her palms on his chest and listened to his breathing.

            He didn’t like the touch, and even though Inej was very lenient with a lot of things, she wouldn’t allow him to bypass the checkups, hushing him whenever a snarl rumbled low in his chest. She knew it was all a ploy- that Kaz would never even think of attacking her for real despite his threats, not after Matthias.

            Eventually, at the mercy of Inej’s gentle words and even gentler touches, Kaz began to fill out again. His cheekbones were still sharp, but not in the way that suggested malnutrition, and his ribs melted back under his skin, his arms and legs no longer seeming like twigs.

            “Why?” he grunted one day as Inej ran a wet cloth over Kaz’s brow and cheek, unaware of the way Kaz’s wings curled toward her of their own volition, begging for more contact.

            “Why what?” Inej asked simply, the washcloth scrubbing behind Kaz’s ears and the grime that had built up there. “Why am I doing this?”

            Kaz nodded, however when Inej made a move to run the cloth over his horns, he bared his teeth, shaking his head and shying away from her, and she politely withdrew to run the cloth down the elegant column of his neck.

            “Because nothing deserves to suffer,” she replied simply, the cloth now smoothing over his sharp collarbones, which were exposed due to the ill-fitting hand me down shirt. “Especially you; you’ve done nothing wrong.”

            Kaz begged to differ, Matthias’ corpse still haunting him whenever he closed his eyes, but he decided not to argue.

            “You’re a handsome creature, you know that, right?” Inej asked, and Kaz flushed, looking away. “Did all of the female Demjin flock to you?”

            He shook his head, and Inej quirked an eyebrow. “Any males, then?”

            Kaz grinned, recalling how Jesper would shamelessly flirt with him even though Kaz had politely declined his advances more than once.

            “One,” he replied, spluttering a bit as Inej dipped the cloth into the water once more and squeezed it out onto Kaz’s face. “But we just friends.”

            “Ah, I see.”

            He wasn’t sure how long he spent on leave, but it was only a matter of time before Inej had to take him back to the tent for training.

            “The circus has been losing revenue like crazy. People don’t want to see this circus without the Demjin in it,” she explained as she led him along, for the first time unchained. He stuck closely to her side, though, his chin nearly resting on her shoulder as his eyes darted around warily. “You’ve amassed quite the following.”

            Kaz struggled to keep up with her pace, hobbling behind her as fast as he could as his ankles shook and wilted when he put weight on them.

            “Would you like me to slow down?” Inej asked, and Kaz nodded vigorously, grateful when the acrobat slowed her step.

            The Demjin noticed that she had a very light tread, her feet barely touching the ground whenever she took a step, and Kaz recalled how that had been the case with him a while ago, making him long when he could do something more than blunder about.

            Pekka and Oomen wouldn’t be pleased with him, and as the approached the tent, he braced himself for the beating of his life- he’d pieced together that Inej had taken Matthias’ place as his caretaker, and knew that Pekka and Oomen were still in charge of the training sessions.

            He was pretty sure he’d die of shock at the contrast between the two personalities.

            Needless to say, he was shocked when they walked into the tent and found it empty- nothing in it except for abandoned stands and a small tightrope that was strung just a few inches off of the ground. They weren’t intending to teach him how to do such a thing, right?

            “Pekka?” he asked hesitantly, his heart flying in his chest as he worried that the man would jump out at him. “Oomum?”

            “Oomen,” Inej corrected. “His name is Oomen.”

            “Oomum,” Kaz repeated, frustrated, and Inej shook her head, but there was a smile playing on her lips.

            “Pekka and Oomen aren’t here.”       

            Kaz wondered if she was playing a joke on him, and he narrowed his eyes accusingly as she meandered over to the tightrope and checked its sturdiness with her foot.

            “Don’t give me that look. I’m not lying. They’re not here.”

            “Where then?” Kaz demanded, turning in a full circle to regard the empty seats in the stands. “Where Pekka and Ommum?”

            “Van Eck fired them.”

            Kaz didn’t understand what that sentence meant, but he did understand the word “fire”.

            “Fire?!” he spluttered, wondering how someone could throw two people into a blaze and watch them burn. Sure, Pekka and Oomen were cruel and Kaz hated them with all of his heart, but the two men being fired only made him fear their elusive boss- Van Eck- even more.

            “It’s not like what you’re thinking,” Inej chuckled as she saw Kaz’s horrified expression. “They don’t work here anymore. They lost their jobs.”

            “Why?”

            “Because their particular methods of teaching weren’t yielding very good results,” Inej replied sadly. “I wish it was because those methods were cruel, or because they basically murdered Matthias, but Van Eck doesn’t really care about those kinds of things. All he cares is that it’s making him money, and you not showing is making him lose money.”

            She gestured to the wire and he padded over, examining it critically as his nostrils flared.

            “There’s nothing to fear. It’s just a wire, and you won’t even be using it.”

            Kaz’s relief was short-lived, because that’s when Inej produced a whip from her belt, uncoiling nonchalantly.

            The Demjin leapt back, his heart skyrocketing as his ankles buckled when he landed and collapsed into the sand, eying Inej with fear and betrayal.

            How could she do this to him? Treat him kindly just to threaten him with a whip like Pekka and Oomen did?

            “Calm down, it’s not what you think it is,” Inej explained calmly, waving the whip in the air, and Kaz gave her a skeptical snort, backing up. “It’s not a whip.”

            It sure as hell looked like a whip.

            Kaz skittered back, spooking as Inej threw it toward him and it landed a few feet in front of him. Inej didn’t say anything else, just watched him as Kaz’s gaze darted between the whip-but-not-a-whip and Inej.

            He studied it from afar, circling warily, before slowly approaching where it lay in the sand - he knew that the whip itself wasn't harmful until it was in the hands of a human that could use it, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying.

            He crouched low, his wings flaring up as he sniffed at it, picking up faint traces of herbs and spices that he didn’t know the names of.

            Now that he was closer, he realized that it was only a whip in design. There was a handle, and a long piece was coming from it, but the similarities ended there. Whereas the end of Pekka’s whip was made of braided leather that smelled putrid when slicked with Kaz’s blood, this end of the whip, the part that would usually be brought down to tear up Kaz’s back, was a ribbon.

            It was thick, red, and silk-like, and the handle was elegant and well-crafted.

            “It’s normally used for twirling and making pretty designs in the air,” Inej explained, keeping a respectful distance as Kaz hesitantly reached out and ran his finger over it, finding that it was soft to the touch. “But my family and I decided that it would be a good training tool as well. A sort of way to guide your feet without any pain involved.”

            Hesitantly, Kaz’s hand grasped the handle, which felt good beneath his fingers, and rose to his feet, the ribbon so long that it still curled on the ground once or twice even when Kaz had risen to his full height.

            Ducking his head sheepishly, he held the ribbon out to her, looking up just in time to see her flash the most dazzling smile as she took it from him.

            “Okay, Demjin, since you can’t have your own act, you will be joining my family’s act.”

            Kaz’s brow furrowed.

            “The acrobat act.”

            To prove her point, she gracefully stepped onto the low wire, which dipped under her bare feet but didn’t touch the ground as she balanced with ease.

            “We want to give the audience a thrilling experience, right?” Inej asked as she turned to face him, balancing nonchalantly even as she lifted up one foot to stretch her leg.

            Kaz nodded, watching her with wide eyes as she switched feet to stretch the other leg.

            “So we’re going to stage a fake attack,” Inej explained, and Kaz immediately clammed up, hunching his shoulders as his wings folded tightly against his back. “You’re not happy with this?”

            “I don’t attack people,” Kaz muttered, his lips pursing into a thin line as he stared down at the ground. 

 _What about Matthias?_ the voice in his head shrilled.

            But Inej’s words were understanding, “We don’t have to do that if you don’t want to, but can I just explain it first?”

            Kaz nodded but didn’t meet her eyes.

            “Okay, so what I was thinking is that we pretend that my father is the new trainer for you, since his hip has been bothering him lately and he can’t be on the high ropes and stuff, and we’ll tie you up loosely with rope.”

            She twirls a bit, growing more and more excited as she explains her big plan.

            “And then we’ll have  a confetti canon go off and you pretend to freak out over it.”

            Kaz huffed, scowling as his shoulders hunched.

            “You slip out of the bonds and begin to fly around the rink, and the audience doesn’t know that we’re the same act- they’ll think that it’s just two acts going on at the same time. So you fly up, where my family and I will be on the tightrope and the trapeze, and you’ll dive in like you’re going to attack us, and that’ll give us an excuse to do all of these flips and tricks to get out of your way.”

            She grins at him.

            “And for the finale, I’ll purposefully fall and then you catch me and bring me to the ground, letting the audience know that it was a part of the act the whole time.”

            Kaz grew thoughtful at that; the one thing he didn’t want the audience to believe was that he’d purposefully set out to hurt people, and although they’d fear him during the beginning and middle of the act, at the end they’d be cheering for him. He’d be a hero.

            And the best part was that the whole act would be him flying.

            “Is that all right with you?”

            Kaz contemplated this for a moment and then nodded vigorously.

            “Great! Let’s practice the basics while I’m on the low wire.”

            The next few weeks were spent diligently memorizing the routine, and after a few sessions with just him and Inej one on one, the rest of the Ghafas joined in.

             “Are you sure he’s safe?” one of the sisters asked hesitantly as the Ghafa family- which consisted of Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa and two more daughters besides Inej- filtered inside of the tent.

            Kaz was sitting in the sand in front of Inej, a low sound rumbling in his throat.

            “Is he growling at us?”

            “No,” Inej laughed as her fingers kneaded his shoulders. “I think he’s purring. Are you?”

            Kaz only responded by purring louder, basically putty in Inej’s miracle hands as she worked the knots out of his muscles that he’d thought would be there permanently.

            He let out an indignant huff when she patted his arm and withdrew, striding over to greet her family and go over what she and Kaz had been working on for the past few days.

            As it turns out, training with the whole Ghafa family was even more exciting than training with just one. All of them were incredibly talented acrobats, even Mr. Ghafa, who usually sat out because of his hip and cheered them on from the stands.

            Kaz, surprisingly, found himself looking forward to training each day, leaping through the door of his cage as soon as Inej opened it and racing her down the path toward the tent. Had it remained solely a foot race, Inej probably would win ten times over, but Kaz always cheated towards the end by flying, which the acrobat seemed totally okay with.

            Unlike with Pekka, the Ghafa family insisted on frequent breaks and nearly force-fed Kaz gallons of water, and the Demjin found himself having to pee more often than usual as, with every bead of sweat that dribbled down his forehead, the Ghafas gave him three bottles of water to compensate.

            “You look flushed, Demjin, have some water,” Mr. Ghafa would say, hobbling over, and when Kaz would politely decline, the man would only laugh and shove a bottle into his hands anyway.

            “They’re installing the high up tightropes and trapezes tomorrow,” Inej explained as they all congregated in the stands. “We’ll be able to practice the act for real now.”

            Mrs. Ghafa had prepared a meal for lunch- it had a name, Kaz just didn’t know what it was- and everyone was diligently snacking on it as they chatted about nonsensical things like the weather and how Kaz needed a haircut.

            The meal was spicy, though, and Kaz groaned, panting as his mouth burned like the fires of hell.

            “Traditional Suli dishes, am I right?” one of the sisters laughed, nudging Kaz playfully as the Demjin’s eyes watered and he began to cough.

            “How about we get you some water?” Mr. Ghafa suggested.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            “Oh, calm down, Demjin, you’ll be fine,” Inej assured, patting Kaz’s shoulder as Mr. Ghafa and Inej’s elder sister tied loose knots around Kaz’s wrists and ankles.

            “Try to slip out of these,” Mr. Ghafa asked, and Kaz was able to do so easily. “Excellent.”

            “And now, I present to you-!” the ringmaster with the reedy voice announced. “The one and only Demjin, accompanied by our amazing family of acrobats!”

            Uproarious applause as Inej, her two sisters, and her mother emerged from the back stage, doing flips and twirls along the way as they went straight to the ladders and began to ascend.

            Mr. Ghafa ran a reassuring hand down Kaz’s back before guiding the Demjin out into the rink.

            The applause frightened him, but Mr. Ghafa was a reassuring presence at his side, and when he looked to Inej for guidance, her gaze was already on him and she smiled encouragingly.

            It took a whole five minutes for the cheering to die down, and by the time Kaz and Mr. Ghafa had begun their portion of the act, the rest of the family was already in position.

            They began with the run-of-the-mill things that were so pitifully basic to Kaz that he wondered if the crowd’s cries were just out of politeness as he held up a conversation with Mr. Ghafa like those talking parrot shows.

            It seemed to encaptivate the audience, though.

            “Can you tell the crowd hello?”

            “Hello!”

            “Can you do it in Ravkan?”

            “ _Rishva!_ ”

            “What about Fjerdan?”

            “ _Himvech!_ ”

            “Shu?”

            “ _Yu-raz!_ ”

            The people in the audience were now calling out different languages, some of them already moved to tears by the performance despite the fact that it was just Kaz talking, but the Demjin payed them no heed, his attention focused completely on Mr. Ghafa.

            “Are you excited about anything?”

            Kaz pointed upward, where the rest of the Ghafas were beginning to step out onto the tightropes and swing from the trapezes, their movements graceful and relaxed despite the fact that they were working with no net and falling would almost certainly mean death.

            “Can you count?”

            “One, two three, four-”

            “Can you count by twos?”

            “Two, four, six, eight-”

            “Can you count in Fjerdan?”

            “ _Un, dai, jon, frov_ -”

            “What are some things you like?”

            “Food, sleep, and pretty ladies.”

            Laughter.

            “Are there any pretty ladies in this crowd?”

            Kaz wolf whistled, and the crowd broke out into more laughter, tensing as Mr. Ghafa gave the subtle signal to the person operating the confetti canon.

            “Now what about-”

            The canon went off, with a loud boom, spewing rainbow colored bits of paper all over the place as the crowd began to panic. Despite having rehearsed this, fear began to bubble up in Kaz’s throat as he began to thrash in his bonds, though not hard enough to make them come loose.

            Mr. Ghafa feigned anger, “Who the hell set off that-”

            Kaz looked up to Inej, who bared her teeth and curled her fingers to look like claws, the signal for the true act to begin.

            Kaz roared, a sound that shocked many of the crowd members into stillness as he began to beat his wings wildly, backing up as Mr. Ghafa made desperate attempts to try and console.

            “He was spooked by the canon, I can assure you we can-”

            Kaz roared again and easily broke free of his loose bonds, prompting the crowd to start screaming as he turned to Mr. Ghafa and roared at him before launching into the air, straight towards the rest of the Ghafas.

            “It’s going to kill them!” one woman shrieked as Kaz’s propelled himself towards the tightrope, which was currently being occupied by Inej and her mother. The two sisters, who’d been on the trapeze, shrieked and quickly exited to the ladders, leaving Inej and her mother alone; they couldn’t rush their exit or risk losing their balance.

            They were so high up that the audience couldn’t see their faces, so that’s probably the reason why Inej gave him a warm smile of greeting rather than a shocked and terrified expression, even as Kaz dove in real close and she had to duck down, the wire swaying wildly as the audience wailed.

            Some of them were trying to leave, but most of them were frozen, their eyes wide and awed as Kaz circled around for a second try.

            This time, he went down low, low enough that Inej couldn’t duck under this time, and roared in what he hoped sounded like frustration as Inej leapt over him and landed solidly on the rope.

            There were cheers as Inej’s feet wobbled but managed to stay upright, her arms splayed out as if she were crucified.

            Inej made a motion with her arm, one that could’ve been mistaken for an attempt to steady herself, but it was really Kaz’s signal to dive toward the platform where the acrobats accessed the tightrope.

            Kaz did so, crouching down and placing both fists around the rope like he’d been taught, his wings arching over his head as he roared once more. Inej’s mother, who’d been slowly making her way over to the other platform, gracefully stepped off of the tightrope and began to descend, prompting sighs of relief from the audience. Inej was dead in the center, halfway between the “rabid” Demjin and safety.

            Upon Inej’s go ahead, Kaz began to shake the rope in an attempt to dislodge Inej, and the audience screamed as the rope swayed up and down.

            Kaz didn’t do it side to side, though, because even though Inej could easily balance the up and down movement, the side to side one would almost undoubtedly make her fall.

            “How is she doing that?” a man shrilled.

            Kaz took to the air once more, diving down towards Inej, who produced two knives from her belt. They were blunt, but they looked sharp enough from afar, and the crowd sucked in a breath as the acrobat began to fight back, slashing at Kaz whenever he got close and forcing the Demjin to circle around again before he could attack once more.

            For a few minutes that felt like hours, they battled, and the crowd cheered whenever Inej landed a “hit” which basically meant her blunt knives thunked against Kaz and he had to act hurt.

            “I’m ready,” Inej whispered the next time the Demjin dove in, and Kaz hesitated for a few moments, circling the rink warily as her gaze locked with his. Sometimes he was able to muster up the nerve, but then he drew away at the last second.

            To the crowd, this looked like Kaz was afraid to get sliced again, but in reality Kaz just didn’t want to push Inej off of that rope.

            What if he couldn’t catch her in time?

            What if she fell and died?

            What would they do to him if he caused the death of _another_ one of his trainers?

            “I’ll be fine,” Inej assured, her head twisting to follow him as he circled. “I trust you.”

            That only made Kaz incredulous. Why would Inej trust him to save her life when he wouldn’t even trust himself?

            “Demjin, you’ve been circling too long, do it. I order you.”

            Inej wants this.

            If she got hurt, it wouldn’t be Kaz’s fault- the Ghafas would definitely vouch for him if anything happened. But then again, Kaz really didn’t want Inej getting hurt in the first place.

            He did as he was told, though, screwing his eyes shut and diving towards her. He heard her inhale sharply the millisecond before his horns collided with her chest, launching her off of the rope and into the air.

            The crowd screeched, thrown into chaos, and Kaz’s heart began to jackhammer as Inej fell.

            The signal. He was waiting for her to give her the signal to catch him.

            There she fell.

            Down.

            Down.

            Down.

            No signal.

            Kaz’s lips peeled back from his teeth, and he ignored Inej shaking her head wildly as his wings pinned to his back and he plummeted into a perfect nosedive, his body streamlined as he and Inej rocketed towards the ground.

            The sand leapt up to meet him, but all he could think about was Inej.

            He would not, could not, lose another one.

            It would break him.

            He reached out his hands.

            Closer.

            Closer.

            Closer.

            Dully, he could hear the audience’s shrill cries.

            Closer.

            Closer.

            Closer.

            And then Inej was in his arms.

            Kaz’s wings snapped open to keep them from splattering onto the ground, and he beat his wings, rising higher and higher into the air so that the two of them were hovering in the center of the stage.

            The crowd was shocked into silence.

            Inej was trembling, a bit shell-shocked, but managed to clamber up and sit on Kaz’s shoulders, raising her arms up in triumph.

            She was okay.

            The beast was tamed.

            After a few moments where the whole place seemed to be holding its breath, uproarious applause broke out. People were weeping and clapping and throwing flowers.

            “You were right,” Inej murmured, running her fingers through Kaz’s hair as the Demjin’s wings beat heavily as he struggled to keep both of them aloft for so long. “Had you waited for my signal, I would’ve been dead. You saved my life.”

            Although he was tired and his wings ached, never before had he felt such joy.

            As he descended, Inej waving to the crowd as the rest of the Ghafas assured everyone that yes, it was all part of the act and yes, the Demjin had been under control the whole time, he felt tears running down his cheeks.

            And this time, they weren’t from pain or fear or sadness.

            He touched down onto the sand and immediately Inej had leapt to the ground and was throwing her arms around his shoulders, and Kaz stood there in shock for a few moments before embracing her as well, wrapping both his arms and wings around her small, fragile form.

            In that moment, he could say that yes, life was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this so far! Please leave a comment and kudos if you do. Also, introducing chapter soundtracks!
> 
> Another note, this chapter includes fan art from a totally awesome, super amazing friend of mine, Gigi.  
> [Her AO3 Account](http://archiveofourown.org/users/gigi_the_bear/pseuds/gigi_the_bear)  
> [Her Tumblr Blog](https://gigi-the-bear.tumblr.com/)  
> [Her Art Blog](https://sex-of-crows.tumblr.com/)


	6. Bind Me Not to the Pasture, Chain Me Not to the Plow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Mentions of past character death, blood, gore, death of an animal

_“Bind me not to the pasture,_

_Chain me not to the plow._

_Set me free to find my calling,_

_And I’ll return to you somehow.”_

_-“Homeward Bound”_

 

\----Ӝ----

**VI.**

**BIND ME NOT TO THE PASTURE, CHAIN ME NOT TO THE PLOW**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Homeward Bound” performed by Bringham Young University Choir_

\----Ӝ----

 

            “Kazimer!” Jordie screamed, his desperate words drowned out by the roaring of the wind. “Kazimer!”

            A storm had blown in from the east, and the wind pummeled him as he clung to the side of the mountaintop, yelling himself hoarse to a brother who probably wasn’t even listening; his voice was only so strong, and probably couldn’t reach the heavens, where his brother most likely resided.

            The cold seeped through his furs and skin, clinging to the very marrow of his bones as he shimmied along the sheer cliff face, his breathing ragged and his face numb. He couldn’t fly here, not in this storm; the wind would sweep him away and perhaps even slam him into the side of the mountain, knocking him out and making him plummet to his death, and Jordie wasn't willing to take that risk just yet.

            “We should go back!” Jordie could barely hear his companion despite the fact that he wasn't even two feet away. “We’ll wait for clearer skies tomorrow!”

            “It’s too late to go back, Jesper!” Jordie snapped as the snow bit at his cheeks and nose despite the rabbit fur scarf that was covering them. “And what if Kaz is in danger right now? What if going back means giving my brother a death sentence?”

            He could almost hear Jesper’s grimace.

            “He’s obviously in trouble if he’s three days late to the migration!” Jesper snapped, tossing his head.

            This was true, as much as Jordie hated to admit it; he, Jesper, Kaz, and Petra’s tribe were all supposed to flock south together to escape the bitter winters of the Sikurzoi and the storms like this one that blew in.

            It was supposed to be a happy event, a time where the tribe rules didn’t matter and lone Demjin that hadn’t started tribes of their own yet- like Kaz, Jordie, and Jesper- could return to their birth tribe and flock with them before they had to separate once they reached their destination.

            Petra’s tribe had had to leave, though, the group being too impatient to wait up for Kaz.

            “He’s dead,” one of the women snapped. She was new to the tribe, one of the youngest. “That’s part of the reason why the migration exists. To see who’s dead or not. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to freeze to death waiting for a corpse to meet up with us.” 

            Petra had been heartbroken, and had wanted to stay behind to aid Jordie and Jesper in the search to find her adopted son, but her duties as the chieftain had been more important than her duties as a mother, and she’d reluctantly left the job to the two former members of the tribe.

            “Bring my baby home to me,” Petra had murmured into Jordie’s ear as they hugged each other goodbye. “Bring my baby back safe.”

            Needless to say, they were absolutely failing in that endeavor; they’d been trekking all the way to Kaz’s cave- why did the guy have to nest so far away from everyone else?- when the storm hit, and now Jordie wasn’t sure whether or not he and Jesper would be able to survive this.

            The freezing temperatures would probably be their downfall, if the wind didn’t fling them off the side of the cliff first.

            For what seemed like hours, they blundered through snow banks and down rocky slopes, nearly dying a handful of times as ice made the ground slick underfoot and loose rocks gave way when weight was put on them.

            The mountain range sprawled before them like the spines of a dragon, jagged and hooked like rows of sharp teeth, and their crooked backs reached up to scrape the sky, their tips sometimes rising above the clouds of the storm.

            Despite the incredible lack of visibility and the snow that blanketed the ground, Jordie still knew where he was going, much more than Jesper did. He'd trekked this path more times than he could count, albeit when the weather was a bit nicer, and even amidst the snow, he could pick up the faint trace of _Kaz._

Jordie could probably detect his brother’s scent anywhere, even the faintest bit of it. He could be hanging blindfolded and upside down in a room full of rotting corpses and he would still be able to pick out the scent coming off of a lock of Kaz’s hair that was buried beneath the bodies. It was simply a skill he’d picked up along the way, a skill that a young boy who’d been abandoned with his baby brother had picked up when they were struggling to survive on their own.

            Kaz’s scent clung to the ground and to the borders of his territory, which they’d long since crossed into, and it was the thickest on the trails that led to Kaz’s home, so Jordie followed it in hopes that Kaz’s cave would have Kaz himself inside of it, or at least clue on where Kaz might be.

            After a couple of more hours of journeying, Jesper slowed to a stop, plopping on the ground an unslinging his bag from his shoulder.

            “Please, Jords, let’s stop for the night.”

            “But Kaz-”

            “-Will have to wait,” Jesper snapped, his voice low. The wind had died down a bit as the storm lost steam, but it still whipped at Jordie’s hair and clawed at his face, the air too violent to be flown in yet. “We’re running on empty here. If we keep going, one of us is going to die.”

            Jordie opened his mouth to argue, but Jesper silenced him with a glare. “If you go, you’ll be going alone. My feet are killing me and I’m basically a Jespercicle by this point- I’m not taking another step.”

            Jordie had no choice but to comply, knowing fully well that without Jesper to steady him when he slipped or pull him to safety when the ground gave way, he would be dead before he could take twelve steps.

            The two of them dug out a bank of snow and fashioned it into a little ice shelter, which boasted a small hole for a door- which the young men had to wriggle though to get in- and a hole in the ceiling to release smoke; using supplies from their packs, they got a nice fire going, and the two of them hunkered down in their blankets, shoulder to shoulder and shivering as they watched the twigs burn, but at least they were sheltered from the unforgiving wind.

            Neither of them slept, and once the storm officially blew over, they dug themselves out and set off on their way, this time using flight.

            Their wings were all rested up from their long trek on foot, and now that the wind didn’t threaten to toss them around like ragdolls, they were able to soar above the mountaintops like two oversized bats looking down upon their dominion.

            With the clouds gone, Jordie was finally able to take in the view, and now he understood why Kaz had settled here; it was breathtaking, with steep valleys and surging mountains and thin rivers that snaked along the floor like tiny blue-white serpents.

            The prey was plentiful and the air was crisp and cold, and he found himself envying his brother’s choice of territory, though this wasn’t the first time that he’d done so.

            Jesper was taking it all in with wide eyes and a slack jaw, his leathery wings shaking a bit as gigantic, weathered pines turned into twigs beneath them and elk became no more than ants.

            “There it is!” Jordie cried after flying for an indeterminate amount of time, pointing at a small opening within the mountain. “There’s the cave!”

            Despite their weariness, the two of them dredged up the last of their energy reserves to put on a burst of speed as they dove towards the cave, their hopes soaring as almost as high as they were.

            “Kazimer!” Jordie called, grinning from ear to ear as they drew closer. “Kazimer! Kaz!”

            He was so happy to have survived the trip that he barely gave himself time to catch his breath as he touched down on the gigantic ledge in front of the cave, instead opting to sprint into the cave, which was smaller than he’d remembered it being, and it didn’t take long until he was crawling on all fours.

            “Jordie, wait-” He ignored Jesper’s warning.

            “Kaz! Kaz, it’s me, Jordie! And Jesper!”

            He took in a deep breath, taking in the smell of _Kaz,_ and _Home,_ and _Sibling_ and…

Blood.

            Jordie’s eyes went wide as the sharp, metallic reek filled his nose, and he let out a cry of alarm, scrambling back as he looked down to find blood staining the floor, blossoming across the stones and painting huge swathes of the earth a dark crimson.

            He gagged, his eyes watering, as he saw the bloody handprints and the scuffmarks, showing signs of a struggle.

            Jordie bent his head, tears beginning to prick at his eyes as he took a good whiff of the blood, relieved to find that most of it wasn’t his brother’s. But there was some that was Kaz’s, and it was mixed in with the blood of what Jordie could only identify as human blood.

            A lot of human blood.

            Another whiff told him that Kaz hadn’t been here in a while, the scent of him- even the scent of his blood and that of the humans’- was stale.

            Kaz had been gone for a long time.

            Months.

            He threw back his head and howled.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            “I want to show you something,” Inej murmured as Kaz splashed around in the shallow pool where he bathed, surging against the water in order to get over to where Inej sat on the banks.

            He was sopping wet, water running down the hollows and planes of his body and getting caught in his hair and lashes, and he grinned wolfishly, plopping down in front of her and causing water to kick up.

            She laughed, holding her hands up to shield her face as droplets were sent flying, and smiled gently as he cooed at her, the water coming up to his waist as he sat and watched her raptly from the shallows.

            “I didn’t think you’d be ready before, but I do think you’re ready now.”

            Kaz made a curious noise, tilting his head to the side.

            “I want to bring you to Matthias’ grave.”

            “Grave?” Kaz asked, brows furrowing. He did understand the word ‘Matthias’, though, and almost immediately his carefree expression fell at the mention of his former trainer. The former trainer that he’d killed in cold blood.

            “The place where you bury people who’ve passed away,” Inej explained softly. “Matthias would’ve wanted his body transported back to Fjerda, but…”

            She sighed, shaking her head.

            “Van Eck thought it to be a waste of his money. As if sending a man to be buried back in his homeland is a waste of money. I bet Matthias’ lover doesn’t even know of his death, despite the fact that Van Eck promised to send word of it. He’s a cruel, twisted man, and I doubt he’d even offer up a penny for the stamp.”

            Kaz whimpered, his shoulders slumping, and the water felt suddenly cold.

            “Would you like to see his grave?” Inej asked, placing a hand on his shoulder, but he recoiled from it, ignoring her pained expression as he did so. “You can visit some other time if you don’t think you’re ready.”

            “Fine. I’m fine. I can see. Let’s see. Go now,” Kaz deadpanned, slogging out of the water and over to his clothes, which were lain out farther back to make sure they were kept dry.

            He didn’t look at Inej as he struggled to wrestle the clothing on, the fabric sticking to his sopping wet skin and making it difficult to put on, and refused her assistance as he shoved his wings into the slits in the back of his shirt.

            “Are you sure? I can help with-” Her hand extended towards him, and Kaz snarled at her, wrenching his arm out of her reach, and turning away sharply.

            Inej’s mouth fell shut with a click, though out of the corner of his vision, he could see that her eyes were narrowed.

            “Follow me,” she told him, her irritation bleeding into her words as she whisked away through the woods, not looking back to see if Kaz was following her, and the Demjin contemplated staying put so that Inej would be halfway to the grave before realizing that he wasn’t with her, forcing her to go back and retrieve him.

            He didn’t do that, though, instead opting to grumble obscenities in his native tongue under his breath as he trudged after her.

            The grave wasn’t far from the bathing pool, to the point where Kaz wondered why he hadn’t stumbled upon it yet during the long hours he and the Ghafas romped around in the woods.

            Then again, he probably had come across it at one point and just hadn’t noticed it.

            It wasn’t elaborate or descript, and blended into the surrounding forest easily; a decent-sized rock stood as the grave marker, with a messy “MH” carved into it, the letters jagged and rough as if it had been done hastily, which Kaz didn’t doubt was the case.

            The only thing that signaled that the MH was initials on a gravestone and not some random graffiti was the fact that the earth in front of it was cleared of all plant growth, unlike the surrounding forest floor- which was overgrown with shrubs and bushes.

            Inej stood off to the side respectfully as Kaz approached the rock, each step wobbly and hesitant as if somehow Matthias’ dead, rotting hand would burst through the earth and seize Kaz’s ankle to drag him down to the netherworld in retaliation for killing him.

            Nothing of the sort happened, though, and pretty soon Kaz was staring down at the rock, his wings drooping so low that they nearly brushed the ground and his eyes raking over the MH over and over again.

            “No,” he said finally, after a long stretch of silence.

            “No?” Inej asked, lingering just at the corner of his vision. “What do you mean, ‘no’?”

            “No,” Kaz repeated, his lips curling into a snarl as he thought of the men dragging Matthias’ body away, thought of them rolling him up in a white sheet and tossing him uncaringly into a shallow hole that they were too lazy to dig with care. “Not right. Not good.”

            “Yes, I know Matthias’ death wasn’t right, but-”

            “ _No_ ,” Kaz hissed, turning sharply to her, and despite this she didn’t flinch. He gestured madly to the sloppily carved MH. “Not. Right.”

            “The burial isn’t right?” Inej asked, her eyebrows climbing up to her forehead. “Is that what you mean? The burial isn’t the way you want it?”

            Kaz nodded.

            “Demjin, there’s not really much we can do about that-”

            “We make it better!” Kaz insisted, standing up straighter as he crossed his arms over his chest, a little thing he’d learned from one of Inej’s sisters. “We fix it.”

            Inej opened her mouth to argue, and Kaz begged her with his eyes, his heart relocating into his throat as she looked about to tell him that no, they couldn’t do this. That she wouldn’t allow it.

            “I need this,” Kaz pleaded. “I need to do this.”

            The Demjin gave her his best puppy dog eyes and eventually the acrobat seemed to cave, her mouth slowly shutting as the tension in her shoulders eased.

            “We’re not going to dig him up, that’s disrespectful,” Inej stated, and Kaz’s face fell, but he immediately perked up again once she added, “But, we can do anything else you want. Anything other than digging him up.”

            Kaz wanted to hug her, to kiss her face all over, but he managed to reign himself in as he bounced on the balls of his feet and his eyes slid back to the stone with its crude initials, his lips peeling back to reveal his teeth as he regarded the hastily-made grave marker.

            This was no way to send off the dead to the afterlife.

            Not to mention that it was Matthias, no less.

            Matthias deserved to have a proper burial, and had often spoken of his god, Djel- one that was very different from Ghezen or any of the gods that Kaz’s people worshipped. Other than Djel, Kaz knew next to nothing about Fjerdan religion, much less their burial practices, so Kaz decided to bury Matthias in the only way he knew how.

            The Demjin way.

            It struck him that he hadn’t practiced any of his kind’s customs or culture in a very long time; the whole culture revolved around the concept of a tribe, and everything was supposed to be done in groups.

 Kaz had been tribeless for a while now, and there were only so many things that one could practice alone. He certainly hadn’t done any cultural things during his time here, with the humans, but now the old traditions that he’d been taught since he was a cub were resurfacing.

            This practice was the one practice that he could do with just himself without it being blasphemous to the culture.

            The first thing they would need: The carcass of an elk.

            The only problem was that he didn’t know how to say elk in human.

            “Do you have these?” Kaz motioned to the ground and Inej stooped down and watched Kaz draw a semi-accurate picture of the animal, from its large, sloping antlers to its thick pelt.

            “Deer?”

            Kaz knew what deer were, and elk certainly weren’t deer. Deer were so much smaller and frailer, unlike elk, which were hardened by years of trekking through snow and whose heads rose several feet from the ground, higher than Kaz was tall.

            “No, no, no,” Kaz corrected, putting his hands up to mimic the antlers. “These.”

            “Moose?”

            “No!”

            “Caribou?”

            Kaz shook his head madly.

            “Reindeer?”

            “No,” Kaz insisted.

            “Elk?”

            Kaz didn’t know what that animal was, unlike with the others, so he just assumed that that was the word he was looking for.

            “Yes! Yes!”

            “There aren’t any elks around here,” Inej told him sadly, and Kaz’s frown deepened. “We’re too far south, too far away from the mountainy areas they live in. It’s too warm for them here.”

            Kaz should’ve expected that, which was the reason why he didn’t give himself any time to worry over the straying from tradition. This whole circumstance in itself strayed from tradition, so he’d just have to improvise a bit.

            “Then what _do_ you have?”

            And that’s how Kaz found himself crouched in the underbrush, watching as a deer- a buck, to be exact- nosed through the underbrush.

            The deer had to be caught and killed using nothing but tooth and fang- the use of a weapon such as a spear supposedly made the death of the animal unnatural and therefore unfit for a person’s burial.

            This was an issue, though, because Kaz didn’t think he was up to the challenge. It was too wooded here, too tight of a space to fly in. Here, the deer had the advantage, unlike the elk, which roamed the wide open spaces and were easily preyed upon from the skies.

            He didn’t think he’d be able to catch the deer on foot, but he had to try.

            For the burial.

            For _Matthias’_ burial.

            He’d positioned himself downwind, so that the deer’s scent was being swept over to him rather than the other way around, and stayed completely still as he watched the buck graze, the animal completely unaware of the predator that was watching it.

            The only way he’d even have a morsel of a chance of catching the deer was ambushing it, and he let out a quiet breath as he began to slink through the brush, his eyes never leaving the deer’s face unless they were scanning the ground for twigs that could snap and alert his prey of his presence.

            The buck’s ears swatted away flies, its tail flicking from side to side as it ground up chutes in its mouth.

            Kaz held his breath as he came within two feet of it, knowing fully well that one false move could have the buck leaping away, too fast for Kaz, crippled, to catch it.

            That was good, though. Its capability to escape made it all the more qualified to be a sacrifice, especially in Matthias’ honor.

            Its antlers were growing rapidly during the summer season, though the cushiony velvet around them wouldn’t shed until the fall. The velvet made the antlers look spongy and harmless, rather than weapons the animal could use to defend itself.

            Kaz stalled for a few moments, hesitating; it had taken the two of them- him and Inej- hours to find this particular buck, and sunset was fast-approaching. Although that was the optimum time for the burial ritual to be performed, it made it all the more clear that if Kaz couldn’t catch this one, they’d have to wait until tomorrow to find another, and Kaz didn’t think he’d be able to fall asleep knowing that Matthias’ burial was still all wrong.

            Taking a deep breath through his nose, he lunged.

            The deer screeched, startling the birds from a nearby tree as Kaz landed on top of its lithe, wiry form.

            It bucked and writhed, frenzied, as Kaz’s claws dug deep into its flesh in order to hang on. Deer were much smaller than elk, and less muscular, too.

            This buck, though mature, could barely support Kaz’s weight, and the Demjin felt incredibly unstable clinging to its back.

            His heart was in his throat, and he knew that it wouldn’t be long before the buck was able to shake him off and dart back into the woods. Orienting himself, he grabbed a hold of the deer’s horns, using his weight and the momentum of the buck’s thrashing to toss the animal to the ground, where it landed heavily.

            Dazed, its hooves scrabbled at the ground as it struggled to stand, and Kaz pounced before that could happen, latching his teeth to the buck’s throat.

            The deer screamed again, and he tried to tune it out as he ground his jaws together, blood exploding into his mouth as he crushed the buck’s windpipe.

            Visions of Matthias swam in front of his vision.

            This was Matthias’ blood in his mouth, not the deer’s.

            Those were Matthias’ screams.

            Those were Matthias’ struggles, which were beginning to cease as the deer gradually suffocated on its own blood.

            Kaz screwed his eyes shut, his jaw still clamped over the deer’s neck as its heartbeat spluttered, but the images of his former trainer were glued to the insides of his eyelids.

            Eventually he leapt back with a scream, whirling to stare down at Matthias’ body.

            The dead, vacant eyes of the buck stared back.

            The Demjin exhaled raggedly, his hands shaking as he staggered to his feet, his gaze pinned to the deer carcass.

            He bowed his head, silently thanking the deer for its sacrifice.

            Blood was pooling around the animal’s head, the metallic smell of it heady as it permeated the air. It wouldn’t take long for it to attract predators, and Kaz swallowed around the lump in his throat as he stumbled over to the buck and grabbed it by the hind legs, dragging it back to the grave.

            The creature was heavier than it looked, though at least he didn’t have to drag an elk back by himself, which probably would’ve been impossible. Between his limp and the baffling weight of the carcass, it took much longer for Kaz to return than it should’ve.

            Inej was waiting, having left Kaz to his own devices once the buck had been located, and didn’t even flinch when she saw the blood that slicked the lower half of Kaz’s face and dribbled down his neck, staining the collar of his shirt a sharp vermillion. His hands were soaked up to the wrists, and his shirt was streaked with crimson in places.

             To put it bluntly, Kaz looked like a monster.

            A killer.

            And yet, even as he dragged the deer carcass over, its coat dirtied from the trip and its neck ravaged, Inej was unfazed, even helping Kaz situate the deer into a position that, if its wounds disappeared, would make it look like the animal was sleeping.

            “What next?” she asked, her words soft even as she wiped the blood on her pants, and Kaz mimicked her, wiping away the blood on his face and hands as best as he could.

            Knowing fully well that they’d be here all night if he insisted that he do everything himself, Kaz began to instruct Inej on what she should do.

            The antlers of the buck were sawed off and placed to the side, as were its hooves and its tail.

            “For good luck during judgement,” Kaz explained as he held the fluffy, albeit bloody, tail in his hand and placed it into the pile. “Hooves are to give fast feet when going up or down after judgement. But I know Matthias going up.”

            “And the antlers?” Inej asked, her fingers running over the aforementioned part, her nails tracing the dips and hollows in the bone.

            “They’re the grave marker. We’ll put them on the rock.”

            “Are we going to do anything with the hide?”

            “It’s supposed to be the burial shroud, but,” Kaz shrugged, “We’ll just keep it.”

            Together, they skinned the deer, and Kaz was shocked at how composed Inej was when regarding the bloody muscles and hints of white bone peeking through. Had she done this before? Humans were odd creatures; not all of them made or caught their own food, unlike with Demjin, and Kaz never knew what to assume about them.

            She didn’t seem the least bit surprised when Kaz carved out the buck’s motionless heart and placed it onto the rock, covering Matthias’ initials and causing blood to trickle down like crimson waterfalls.

            “You don’t have to do this part,” Kaz told Inej as he dipped his fingers into the fresh blood.

            “I want to,” Inej murmured, and the Demjin grinned before using the blood to paint his face with the proper tribal markings.

            Three diagonal lines above each brow.

            A line running down the middle of his face, starting at the edge of his hairline and continuing down the bridge of his nose, over his lips and to the tip of his chin.

            Two lines under each eye.

            “You sure?” Kaz asked, and Inej nodded, leaning in and closing her eyes as Kaz tentatively pressed three fingers above one of her brows.

            Her skin was so soft, and she seemed almost tranquil as Kaz’s blood-soaked fingertip traced along her nose and mouth.

            It stole Kaz’s breath away.

            When it was all said and done and Inej withdrew, Kaz wouldn’t help but marvel at her. She looked like a Demjin in this moment, albeit she lacked horns and wings, but that still didn’t make her any less beautiful. The markings seemed right on her in a way, even though she was human.

            Tearing his eyes away from Inej when the acrobat began to grow confused at all the staring, his gaze pinning to the heart that was laid out on the rock.

            Taking a deep breath, he began to mutter the burial prayer that had been drilled into his head by the elders of the tribe, the words of his native language rolling easier off of his tongue than Kerch or Fjerdan or Ravkan or Shu ever could.

            _“To the gods above, please accept this sacrifice in honor of our fallen brother, Matthias. He is worthy of a seat in divine paradise, and I pray that he may bask in the glory of your light with many others, both young and old,”_ he hesitated at the next line before deciding that in this circumstance, the prayer could be altered without it being a problem, _“Although he’s not of my kind, he deserves eternal bliss, and I hope that you, the gods, may pull a few strings to allow him to get there, especially if humans don’t go to paradise and punishment like my kind does. I believe, wholly and unfalteringly, that Matthias is one of us.”_

Inej watched, encaptivated, as Kaz took a hold of the heart and buried it, right above where Matthias was.

            The elders had told him and Jordie that burying the animal’s heart meant that it would accompany Matthias in the afterlife, acting as a companion until his friends and family joined him.

            _“Why an elk, then?” Kaz had asked, puzzled. “Why not something cool, like a mountain lion or a bear or a wolf?”_

_“Elk are the basis of life here. Without elk, the mountain lions and the bears and the wolves wouldn’t be able to survive. We ourselves wouldn’t be able to survive,” the tribal elder had replied matter-of-factly. “I’d rather have something as important as an elk as my companion rather than something that is only ‘cool’.”_

Kaz hadn’t asked questions after that.

            “The animals aren’t allowed to eat the deer,” Kaz told Inej, though he didn’t explain why; the elder had also said that if a piece of the animal was taken from it (other than the pieces that _had_ to be taken, such as the horns and the hooves and tail) the animal would appear in the afterlife without that piece.

            Kaz didn’t think Matthias would appreciate a three-legged or headless deer as his companion.

            That’s why, after making sure that no underbrush or foliage was in the way, the two of them set fire to the carcass.

            As they sat back and watched it burn, Inej leaned her head on Kaz’s shoulder, and while he watched the flames leap high into the air, the sparks sending up the soul of the deer to join Matthias’, Kaz- at long last- felt at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really loved writing this chapter, mainly because I liked creating more aspects of the Demjin culture. 
> 
> Just a note to look at chapter one and you'll see the first digital art piece for this fic! It's oart of the reason why this update took so long- I was busy working on it. I'll try to get all of the art pieces in as fast as I can, and feel free to submit your own! [You can contact/message me via my Tumblr.](https://sucker-for-six-of-crows.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Please leave a comment and kudos if you liked it!


	7. Welcome to the Final Show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Kidnapping, reference to past character death, good intentions with bad results

_“Normal is an illusion._

_What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.”_

_-Morticia Addams_

\----Ӝ----

 

**VII.**

**WELCOME TO THE FINAL SHOW**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Sign of the Times” by Harry Styles_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            “Hey,” Inej murmured, nudging him, and Kaz could’ve sworn her voice had come directly from the mouth of a goddess, rich and still raspy from sleep.

            “Mm?” Kaz grumbled as he blinked awake, his eyes slowly adjusting to the dim light filtering into the Ghafas’ tent.

            His eyes easily adjusted to the semi-darkness, his gaze raking over the still-sleeping forms of Inej’s mother, father, and sisters. Though it was a tight fit with six people, Kaz didn’t mind all that much- it reminded him of when he was a cub and he and the other younglings had slept together in tight groups to stave off the cold of winter.

            Inej nudged him again and Kaz let out an indignant snort, rolling away from her and reveling the thick, cushiony blankets beneath him, which had replaced the bed of hay long ago.

            After several more months of performing together, the Ghafas had grown indignant at Kaz’s living conditions in his cage. From the bed of hay whose straws poked at Kaz and made his skin itch whenever he laid down to sleep, to the troughs of water and food that he was expected to eat from like an animal.

            “He can sleep in our tent,” Inej had suggested, putting on a winning smile, but it had done her no good. “It’ll be more comfortable for him, and the more comfortable he is, the better he’ll perform. Besides, the Demjin sleeps alone with the other animals as his only company. Nobody else in this circus sleeps alone- not even the other animals, who are never solitary in their cages- so why should he be the only one?”

            The other circus acts had adamantly refused, claiming that they were too terrified of the Demjin to sleep near him, even if he was chained. They were too afraid of his “killer instincts” and his unpredictable behavior.

            “It’s bullshit,” one of Inej’s sisters had growled. “It’s all bullshit. You’ve been performing and training around them for more than a year now. They know you’re harmless. I just think they’re not ready to treat you like a normal human being yet.”

            The Ghafas, upon realizing that they couldn’t bring Kaz to them, had decided that, without further ado, they would have to just sneak Kaz in.

            “Why did you wake me up?” Kaz grunted as he turned to Inej, his Kerch having improved in leaps and bounds since the Ghafas had started tutoring him.

            “I was just wondering…” she paused, her brow furrowing as she pushed the hair out of her face and sat up on her elbows. “Do you have a name?”

            “A name?” Kaz scoffed, his wings flaring out indignantly. “Of course I have a name.”

            “Well…I don’t know it. And I’d like to know it.”

            Kaz paused, realizing- belatedly- that Inej didn’t know his actual name. The one that his mother had given to him and the one used by his family and friends back in the Sikurzoi. No one in this camp knew it but himself; everyone had just called him Demjin and he’d rolled with it.

            “You want to know my name?” Kaz asked, quirking an eyebrow.

            “Why wouldn’t I want to know it? You’re my friend,” Inej replied matter-of-factly, her voice low as not to wake up her family, and it encouraged Kaz to do the same. “And I sort of stayed up late wondering why I’d been calling you by the name of your kind rather than your individual name. I didn’t want to wake you up in the middle of the night, though.”

            Hesitantly, for his name had never been uttered aloud in the presence of humans, he told Inej his name, which was a series of clicks and growls that no being other than a Demjin could ever dream of trying to pronounce.

            “Uh…that’s a nice name,” Inej paused, rubbing her chin. “I can’t really say it, though, so I’ll just call you Kaz. That’s what the beginning part sounds like, anyway.”

            “Kaz?” he wondered, feeling the name on his tongue. “Kaz.”

            “Do you like it?”

            A grin broke out across Kaz’s face, and he nodded vigorously.

            “Well then,” Inej smiled, and Kaz couldn’t help but marvel at the beauty of it- the way it seemed to light up her entire face as her eyes crinkled at the corners, “It’s nice to meet you, Kaz.”

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            For a while, everything was perfect.

            Nightmares of Matthias no longer plagued him whenever he lay his head down to sleep, he was never once at the mercy of Pekka and his club- whether it be in the waking world or the dream one, and he was a massive success with the people who came to the circus.

            Attendance was at an all-time high, to the point where Van Eck had actually ordered for a newer, bigger tent to be built in order to compensate for the hordes of people that flooded the stands whenever a show was set to begin.

            Ticket prices skyrocketed as the demand for them grew higher- everyone clamoring to see the famed Demjin in person- and even so, nobody was deterred by the high price.

            People came from far and wide to see Kaz in action, their curiosity fueled by those who’d already seen the show and confirmed that yes, the Demjin was the real thing, and more often than not, Kaz was in the presence of royalty, many times performing for commanders, lords, counts, and even kings and queens.

            The Fjerdan nobles almost fainted as Kaz held up an incredibly lengthy conversation with a high-ranking commander in Fjerdan.

            “ _Where did you learn this?_ ” Jarl Brum demanded, awed as he reached through the bars separating him and Kaz and ran his hand reverently across one of the Demjin’s leathery wings.

            “ _A friend who is no longer upon this earth,_ ” Kaz replied, solemnly, politely moving his wing out of the man’s reach. “ _His name was Matthias Benedik Helvar_.”

            Brum turned to his advisor, “ _Have this man’s family heavily rewarded for the service he’s done for this magnificent beast, as well as any other people he has close connections with._ ”

            It was so strange, how people chose to give their money.

            There were people out starving on the wintry streets of his country, and yet he was giving his money to the family of a man who’d taught a beast how to speak a language.

            Not that Kaz was complaining- Matthias’ family, as well as Nina, would most surely appreciate the sum of money to compensate for his death- but still, it was odd.

            On top of the success circus-wise, Kaz was also growing increasingly successful when it came to forging a stronger bond with Inej, to the point where he wasn’t sure how it was possible for two people who weren’t even of the same species to become so close.

            Whenever he was around her, he felt this strange warm feeling in his chest, and he loved that feeling so much that he actually felt sad and gloomy whenever she had to go somewhere and leave him behind.  

            “If you disrupt my morning stretches one more time, you little shit, I swear I’ll come over there and tackle you,” Inej warned, but her eyes were sparkling as she slowly slid down into a perfect split, which was a feat- especially with the sandy floor in the rink.

            Kaz was trying to mimic her from a distance- knowing fully well that if he tried to do it side-by-side with her he’d get shoved- and he let out a low whine as he tried to lower himself into a split too fast and nearly pulled a muscle.

            “Stop!” Inej snapped, trying to bite back her smile. “This is supposed to be a relaxing warm-up meditation! You’re ruining my concentration!”

            Kaz only stuck out his tongue, taking a deep breath before slowly copying her. It was a bit of a stretch, but he managed it.

            “Holy shit, how are you doing that?”

            “I do the same stretches as you every morning,” Kaz reminded her, reaching forward in the split to stretch his back a little. “And Demjin are much more flexible than humans.”

            “I can see that.”

            They sat in silence for a while, doing various stretches, before Kaz grew tired of the quiet and instead padded over to where Inej was, deciding that getting shoved was worth being close to her.

            “Hello there, mister,” Inej chuckled, sitting crisscross applesauce on the ground, and Kaz did the same. “How’s your day going so far?”

            “Good,” Kaz exclaimed, grinning. “Very good.”

            “I’m glad,” Inej replied reaching out to run her hand over Kaz’s outstretched wing, and the Demjin let out a soft purr of appreciation, extending his wing further to give her easier access.

            “I like being around you,” Kaz admitted, tracing patterns into the sand with a claw as Inej’s hands smoothed over the membranes of his wings.

            The acrobat seemed surprised, which was baffling to Kaz; why would she be surprised that Kaz liked being around her? She was the epitome of humankind. She was kind and considerate, and the most perfect person Kaz had ever met.

            “Oh. I like being around you, too. You’re very nice to be around.”

            Kaz couldn’t help but smile for the rest of the day.

            Like he said, things were perfect.

            And they would’ve stayed perfect if Nikolai Lantsov hadn’t been so compassionate and had just kept his fucking mouth shut.

            “Wow,” the Ravkan King marveled in heavily-accented Kerch, his blue eyes sparkling as Kaz bowed waist low. “He’s incredible.”

            “Thank you, Your Highness,” Inej replied breathlessly, mimicking Kaz’s bow. “It’s an honor to have performed for you and your court.”

            “Please, it’s Nikolai, sweetheart,” the king replied with a wink, and for some reason Kaz found himself bristling at this flirtatious manner. “‘Your Highness’ is only for people I don’t like.” 

            Inej blushed madly, ducking her head, and Kaz had to force a snarl back down his throat.

            “So I hear he’s native to Ravka,” Nikolai noted proudly, taking in the spiraling horns and the canines that glinted whenever Kaz opened his mouth.

            “Yes, he’s from the Sikurzoi.”

            “Sova, io dovrishte Sikurzoi,” Kaz agreed, and Nikolai’s brows shot straight up.

            “He knows Ravkan?” the king demanded, amazed, and his personal escort seemed impressed as well. “More than that little tidbit you taught him?”

            Inej nodded. “I’m a Ravkan native myself and so is my family. We’ve been talking in Ravkan lately because we’re tired of Kerch, and decided to teach him so that he’s not at a loss.”

            “ _Can he speak it well? Is he intelligent enough to do that?_ ” Nikolai asked.

            “ _I’m standing right here,”_ Kaz snapped, and Nikolai threw back his head and laughed, a bright, joyous sound.

            It was a nice laugh.

            “He’s smart. I like him,” Nikolai admitted, switching back to Kerch, and Kaz managed a smile, one that quickly disappeared once the king opened his mouth again, “Is he for sale?”

            “No, he’s not,” Inej deadpanned putting a reassuring hand on Kaz’s shoulder as the Demjin’s lips peeled back to bare his teeth, his shoulders tensing.

            For sale.

As if he was some sort of object to be bargained for and sold.

            From out of the corner of his eye, he could see the two Grisha and the two human guards that made up Nikolai’s escort tense, ready to defend their king if needed.

            “I’ll give you five hundred fifty million kruge for him,” Nikolai offered, raising an eyebrow. “And I’m willing to go higher.”

            Inej’s mouth dropped open, her eyes bulging out of her sockets, and Kaz was suddenly nervous. Five hundred fifty _million_ kruge?

            That was…that was a lot of money.

            More than Kaz believed himself to be worth.

            “I-I-It’s not really my place to make these kinds of decisions,” Inej finally managed to stammer out. “You’ll have to take it up with Van Eck.”

            “Why?” Kaz blurted, fearful. Van Eck would be easily swayed by the amount of money offered, which was more than Kaz could ever make him in the circus.

            Inej’s words echoed in his ears:

_“I wish it was because those methods were cruel, or because they basically murdered Matthias, but Van Eck doesn’t really care about those kinds of things. All he cares is that it’s making him money…”_

            Nikolai regarded the Demjin coolly.

            “Because you are a beautiful, intelligent being that doesn’t deserve to be in a _circus_ ,” he spat the word like it was poison. “I’ve seen the way you walk. Or rather, the way you can’t walk.” He glared at Inej. “They abuse you.”

            “No, they would never-”

            Nikolai cut him off, his eyes filled with pity, and by Ghezen the last thing that Kaz wanted was _pity_ -

            “You don’t have to defend them. I understand.”

            And with that, he was gone.

            Neither him, nor his entourage spared them a second glance as the doors swung shut behind them.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            They took him in the night.

            The tent area had been too busy for the Ghafas to sneak Kaz into their tent that evening- which wasn’t an uncommon occurrence- and had reluctantly brought Kaz back to his cage, though they left the door open in case he had to go to the bathroom or needed to alert them of something.

            Very often, he always looked back and wondered _Why did it have to be that night?_

            He’d been asleep on his bed of hay, the hide of the deer he’d slain for Matthias draped over it to make sure the stalks didn’t poke or itch him, when suddenly he’d been shaken awake.

            “God, it’s worse than I’d thought,” a feminine voice murmured, one that was clearly not Inej. “He’s in a cage. Drinks and eats from a trough. Sleeps on straw like some sort of animal. It’s disgusting.”

            “Yeah,” another deeper voice agreed.

            Kaz blinked blearily, his thoughts still fogged from sleep, and raised his head, squinting as he regarded the two unfamiliar silhouettes outlined against the light coming through the bars of his cage.

            “Oh, he’s up.”

            The two silhouettes turned to him, the details of their faces sharpening as Kaz blinked rapidly to try and keep his eyelids from drooping.

            “Inej?” he asked blearily, gazing around for at least one familiar face.

            “No, we’re not Inej,” the woman’s voice told him gently as he used the wall to push himself into an upright position. “We’re here to help you.”

            “Help me?” Kaz’s brow furrowed, his wings flaring a bit in his distrust. “I’m fine. I don’t need help.”

            “You don’t have to pretend, silly. Inej isn’t here. She can’t hurt you anymore.”

            “Inej doesn’t hurt me,” Kaz insisted, tilting his head in bewilderment as he tried to process the words they were saying to him, which was difficult, considering he’d just emerged from sleep and his brain was still thinking on Demjin language wavelengths. 

            Why would Inej ever hurt him?

            “Okay, sweetie, whatever you want.”

            A hand reached out to touch him and he recoiled with a hiss, his wings flaring higher as he bared his teeth, though he didn’t know whether or not the man and woman could properly see him in the dark.

            “Get out,” he growled, the sound rumbling low in his throat. “I want you to get out.”

            “Why-?”

            Kaz cut her off, his Kerch choppy as he struggled to pull words from his sleep-addled brain, “Leave. Go away. I don’t know you. Stranger danger.”

            “We’re friends,” the man assured coming closer- which was the last thing Kaz wanted- and repeating, “We’re here to help you.”

            “No, I don’t know you,” Kaz snarled, partially out of anger and partially out of fear. This was reminding him all too much of the night he was dragged from his cave, only this time his attackers were trying to trick him with kind words instead of using brute force.

            “Where’s Inej? I want Inej.”

            “Inej can’t be here right now,” the woman told him gently. “Jan Van Eck agreed to our king’s offer. You’re coming home with us now.”

            Kaz froze, his eyes going wide.

            Van Eck had agreed.

            Kaz had been sold.

            “N-n-n-no,” he stammered, despite the fact that he knew it would be no use. “No, I’m not coming with you.”

            “Sweetheart, it’s for the best. These people have brainwashed you into loving them, but they are actually cruel. What about your ankles? Inej did that to you. If you come with us, you’ll never see Inej again.”

            Tears sprung to his eyes at that.

            “No!” he bellowed, but there was only fear now as he cowered in the corner. They were going to take him away. “No! I like Inej. Inej is nice to me. I like Inej a lot. I-I-I love Inej.”

            “Stockholm Syndrome,” the man muttered to his companion before telling Kaz, “Will you come with us without a fight? Please?”

            “No! No! No!” Kaz shook his head wildly, trying to articulate into words why exactly it would be the worst idea ever to take him away. “Matthias’ grave. I need to see it. Inej takes me there. I love Inej. She sings me songs and talks to me. Her family is so nice.”

            “She beats you. She destroyed your ankles.”

            “Pekka! That was Pekka!”

            “Now he’s just spouting gibberish. It’s terrible, what they’ve done to him,” the man grunted, running a hand down his face. “Come on, Demjin, please come with us.”

            “No!” Kaz begged, tears streaming down his face, “Please, no!”

            The woman turned to her companion. “Well, you’re the Heartrender.”

            Two fingers on his pulse and he was gone.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            The Heartrender must’ve kept him asleep for the entire journey to Os Alta, because when he woke up again, he was on a bed.

            He frowned up at the lavish canopy that was draped above it, stitched to look like a night sky with lines connecting all of the constellations, and wondered, groggily, why this wasn’t right.

            Groaning a bit, he turned and was greeted by a newborn morning, the sun just peeking up over the horizon and filtering through the gigantic windows, casting weak squares of light onto the floor.

            He sat up, his nostrils flaring as he scented the air, and a jumble of foreign smells assaulted his nose, none of them holding even the slightest bit of familiarity.

            Where was the morning dew?

            The smell of damp earth?

            The heady musk coming from the other animal cages?

            As the events of last night slowly trickled back to him, he began to panic.

            His breath sawed in and out of his lungs as he leapt from the bed and staggered over to the windows, wondering if breaking them was worth all of the shards of glass getting stuck in his scalp.

            But even if he did break out, where would he go?

            Frenzied, his eyes darted around the vast expanse of land that sprawled before him, finding nothing familiar. He was in a strange land, in a strange cave, with strange people, judging from the mixture of human scents that were wafting under the door.

            He had no idea how he could go back.

            No idea how he could get back to Inej.

            “Inej!” he cried, turning to the room as if she were somehow lingering the shadows, a ghost evading his detection. “Inej!”

            Tears were falling and they were falling fast, and he launched himself into the air- for the ceiling was high, almost as high as the one in the circus tent- trying to find a way out as his wings churned in the air and his head narrowly missed the gigantic gold-and-crystal chandelier that dangled from the ceiling.

            “Demjin?” At the sound of another human voice, Kaz plummeted to the ground and staggered over, his vision blurry as tears streaked down his face.

            “Inej? Where’s Inej?”

            “She’s not here,” the person assured, as if it were a good thing, and as Kaz’s vision sharpened, he was met with an all too familiar face.

            There, standing in front of him with an expression of relief and bedecked in the proper garb of a proper king, was Nikolai.

            The one who’d bought him.

            The one who’d torn him away from everything that he loved.

            This situation sounded all too familiar, and Kaz couldn’t help but liken the Ravkan king to Van Eck, only this time, the family he was separated from wasn’t necessarily blood related.

            Only, instead of attacking him, tearing him limb from limb, Kaz leapt across the room, skittering into the corner and shielding himself with his wings.

            This was a new place, and the last time he was in a new place, Pekka had beaten him into submission.

            It was better to submit now than to suffer for the sake of his pride, and he eyed Nikolai warily as the human watched him, scanning his belt for clubs or whips.

            “I’m not going to hurt you,” Nikolai assured, holding his hands up and out to show Kaz that there was nothing in them.

            The Demjin didn’t move, paralyzed by fear.

            “I want to go back,” he begged softly. “Please, bring me back.”

            “You know I can’t do that,” Nikolai sighed, plopping himself down in front of Kaz and folding his legs beneath him. “They hurt you.”

            “Why do people keep saying that?!” Kaz roared, fury suddenly slamming into him full-force, and Nikolai skittered back a bit as the Demjin bared his teeth. “I wasn’t hurt! They didn’t beat me! They were nice to me! I _loved_ them!”

            The king’s brow furrowed. “Do you really think that?”

            “Yes!” Kaz barked, and upon realizing that no, Nikolai wasn’t going to hurt him, he leapt to his feet and began to pace like a caged animal, his lips twitching as they peeled back into an ugly scowl. “Where am I?”

            “You’re in the Ravkan palace. The big palace in Os Alta.”

            “Os Alta?!” Kaz choked, pausing in his pacing to look up at Nikolai, his eyes wide with horror. “That’s very far!”

            “Indeed it is.”

            “Can you help me get back?”

            “Not to the circus, no,” Nikolai deadpanned, but quickly continued on as he saw Kaz’s fingers curl into fists. “But we were intending on bringing you back to the Sikurzoi. Where you belong.”

            The breath was stolen out of Kaz’s lungs.

            “The Sikurzoi?” he asked, and he could already envision the rolling hills and jagged mountains and serpentine rivers. He could envision the herds of elk trotting along the ground and the gigantic pine forests that stretched for miles on end, as well as the unforgiving wind that was bitter but refreshing, and the snow that never ceased its falling during the winter months.

            Most of all, he could envision his family.

            Jordie. Petra. Even Jesper.

            He knew that they thought he was dead, and wondered how they were coping. Were they getting by? Were they still waist-high in grief? Had they given him a funeral?

            But now, other than solemn faces and broken hearts, Kaz could almost see their joy when they realized that no, he wasn’t dead. He was very much alive, and he was there to stay.

            The thought of returning to the Sikurzoi made his heart soar into the heavens, but at the same time it plummeted deep into the center of the earth.

            Returning to the Sikurzoi meant that his chances of seeing Inej again were slim to none.

            He hadn’t even been given the chance to say a proper goodbye.

            After a long while of being immersed into his thoughts, Kaz finally looked up. His face was set with determination.

            “First the circus, so I can say goodbye. Then the Sikurzoi.”

            A slow smile broke out across Nikolai’s face, and Kaz’s hopes skyrocketed as the king began to nod.

            “Sounds like a plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry about the long update. I’ve been pretty busy lately. 
> 
> This chapter had me completely and totally stumped, and I’ve revised it so much that it’s now going in a wildly different direction than I’d first intended: Originally, Kaz was going to be instead stolen by Fjerdan nobles, instead of bought by Nikolai!
> 
> Also, please check the first three chapters, as well as chapter 5. There’s digital art! 
> 
> Hope you liked it! Please leave a kudos and a comment if you did! They actually make my day when I read them!


	8. The Devil's Gonna Make Me a Free Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): None

_“Every parting is a form of death,_

_As every reunion is a type of Heaven.”_

_-Tryon Edwards_

\----Ӝ----

 

**VIII.**

**THE DEVIL'S GONNA MAKE ME A FREE MAN**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Broken Bones” by Kaleo_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            When Inej woke up, she found Kaz’s cage empty.

            The door was ajar, just how they’d left it, and there didn’t seem to be anything out of place with the cage itself. There were no signs of struggle, no signs that Kaz had gotten hurt; the hay that made up his bed and the deer’s hide that was draped over it weren’t disturbed, and the troughs hadn’t been overturned.

            The cage being empty, however, wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, since the Demjin usually woke up before the sun did- and Inej would be lying if she said she expected Kaz to be waiting patiently in his cage for her to arrive.

            Sighing, she turned and began to trek through the woods, which were outlined against an orange and yellow sky that was ever so slowly bleeding into baby blue.

            Winter was slowly dying, bleeding into spring as the months gradually progressed, and though the trees still remained bare and skeletal, there were buds beginning to crop up on the branches, newborn leaves waiting patiently for spring to arrive in full so they could unfurl.

            Twigs snapped and the dead leaves leftover from that year’s autumn crunched and crackled underfoot as Inej strode through the empty woods, her breath clouding the air in front of her whenever she exhaled. A large and ancient oak tree loomed to her right, one that marked the way to Matthias’ grave had she decided to turn at that point, and even though Kaz would sometimes linger there during sunset, he didn’t usually hang around when the day was new, so she walked on.

            Inej took a deep breath, smiling softly as the crisp air of the dawn filled her nose- it was still wintery enough for it to be chilly during early morning, and the only sounds that filled the air were Inej’s footsteps and the occasional cries of birds that hadn’t migrated south to stay warm- the ones who had already done so still had yet to return.

             As the trees began to thin out on all sides, Inej’s smile grew wider as the rolling hills of grass were slowly revealed.

            It was Kaz’s favorite place to hang around when there was downtime, like on Sundays, because it reminded him of the open mountain ranges in the Sikurzoi- with grassy lands like these usually appearing in the deep valleys between the soaring peak, though- he pointed out- the grasslands in the Sikurzoi were always dotted with elk and would never be as plain as this one.

            “Kaz?” she called as she stepped out onto the sprawling slopes, where the tall grasses swayed hypnotically to a breeze she wouldn’t’ve felt had she not seen the stalks shake. “Kaz!”

            Her eyes raked over the area and she frowned- Kaz would’ve heard her by now, even if he’d been romping around on the complete opposite side of the field; Demjin ears were much keener than human ones.

Perhaps he was flying overhead and the wind had drowned out her voice?

            She looked up, squinting against the glare of the newborn sun, but saw nothing but empty air. There wasn’t a single cloud freckling the sky that day, so Kaz definitely wasn’t obscured.

            _He’s probably already waiting in the tent,_ Inej thought to herself, running a hand down her face as her eyes swept over the empty field once more, trying to imagine what it must’ve looked like when it was a flourishing farm. _Yeah, he’s definitely waiting in the tent._

            Thoroughly troubled, she turned on her heel and trudged back through the woods, mentally going over a list of places that Kaz may be.

            Maybe he’d just gone out to go to the bathroom, and had returned to his as soon as Inej had gone into the forest to look for him.

            That seemed like the most reasonable answer, since Kaz has never waited in the tent for her before, but when she returned to the cage, she was shocked to find that it was still empty.

            “Do _you_ know where he went?” Inej demanded the albino lion and his lioness, who resided in the cage next to Kaz’s, and- of course- only received two blank and fed-up looks from the big cats in return. “Of course you don’t.”

            Inej spent a while waiting around the circus animal cages, in case Kaz was, indeed, going to the bathroom and would be returning shortly, but after what must’ve been at least a half hour, she knew that he wasn’t coming.

            Worry began to gnaw at her insides as the tent loomed up in front of her, and her traitorous imagination began to cook up all sorts of scenarios that she’d rather not think about.

            The first thing her mind flew to was smugglers.

            A few people might’ve thought that Kaz would make them quite the fortune if they were able to sell him, and had taken him in the night while he was still groggy from sleep and unable to fight. Kaz had told Inej that that’s how he was taken the first time, and Inej began to chew on her nails when she realized that, had they not left the door open, the smugglers probably would’ve never been able to take Kaz in the first place.

            But who was she kidding? Maybe it wasn’t smugglers.

            Maybe it was a group of people who thought Kaz to be evil, and had stormed the camp to take Kaz and burn him at the stake somewhere like how they did with Grisha in Fjerda. The thought made her heart relocate into her throat, but then again, had it been an angry mob of people, they most likely wouldn’t’ve gotten past security- mobs were too loud for that.

            _Kaz might not even be missing,_ she chided herself as she reached out for the tent flaps and slipped inside, _Maybe I’m overreacting and he’s right here with my family._

Her hopes were dashed, however, when- as soon as she strode into the tent- her father asked, “Where’s Kaz?”

Her heart rate began to pick up when she realized that, among the people clustered in the center of the tent waiting to begin rehearsal, Kaz was not one of them.

            “I don’t know, I thought he was with you,” Inej replied, trying to keep her voice measured as she began to wring her hands in front of her. In reality, she was panicking, her imagination leaping to smugglers and to hate groups and monsters that could’ve dragged him away when he was still asleep.

            “Did you check the field?” her mother asked gently, sounding calm, but her brows had knit together and the lines of her face deepened. She was clearly just as concerned as Inej was about Kaz’s sudden disappearance. 

            “Of course I checked the field. It’s the first place I looked,” Inej replied, trying- and failing- to keep her anxiety from bleeding into her words.

            “Has he gone to the bathroom?”

            “I was gone long enough for him to take ten trips to the bathroom and still come back in time,” Inej retorted, folding her arms over her chest.

Dread was slowly settling onto her shoulders, and she swallowed around the lump that was beginning to clog her throat. “Where do you think he could’ve gone?”

            “You checked the grave?”

            “No.”

            And so the Ghafas spent the better part of the morning searching for Kaz.

            They scoured the forest, checking and re-checking the grave and the field, but Kaz was nowhere to be found.

            The bathing pool was searched, Inej’s sisters diving down to the deepest parts to make sure he hadn’t drowned, and they walked up and down the river, wondering if he’d fallen in and had been swept away by the current, though that was unlikely- unlike with bird wings, Demjin wings didn’t suddenly stop working once they were wet, and had he been in any trouble he could’ve just flown out of the river,

            They didn’t dare ask any of the other performers, lest they cause mass panic because of the Demjin’s “escape”, and couldn’t call out his name when they were near the performers’ tents for that same reason.

            At noontime they returned back to their tent, disheartened and exhausted, and tried to figure out how they were going to break the news to Van Eck, who was most likely going to be livid at the loss of his greatest investment.

            The Ghafas would no doubt be blamed, since they’d left the door of the cage open, and they’d lose their jobs, which was the worst-case scenario; it had taken a long time for the Ghafas to be able to join into a huge circus such as this one, and if they lost the job now, they probably wouldn’t be able to find a new one.

            “Perhaps he’s been stolen,” one of Inej’s sisters guessed. “There are many people in the crowd who eye him hungrily when he passes, and maybe they wanted to make big bucks for selling him to some rich mercher or esteemed noble.”

            “What if he just wanted to leave?”

            A hush fell over the tent, and all eyes went to Inej’s eldest sister, who was staring down at her hands.

            “What if he was tired of performing? What if he misses his family and wanted to go home?”

            The rest of lunch was spent in silence, and later that day, one of Jan Van Eck’s representatives came to them to inform the family that the Demjin had been sold for quite the fortune to King Nikolai Lantsov of Ravka, and that they should start coming up with an act that didn’t involve the Demjin’s participation.

            Inej didn’t sleep that night.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Kaz hated the palace. Hated it with every fiber of his being.

            Despite the soaring ceilings and lavishly decorated rooms, Kaz couldn’t help but think of it all as fake, like a flashy façade that could be easily worked away to reveal the ugly thing that was hidden beneath.

            Everything was always meant to be looked at and not touched or used, despite what their function may be in the outside world; Kaz had nearly made a servant faint when she found him sitting on the couch in one of the parlors, and she shooed him off with the exclamation, “You’re not supposed to sit!”

            Then what was he supposed to do? Stand around awkwardly? Sit on the floor?

            When he went to Nikolai with his grievances, the King just waved him off, too enamored in the newest trade deals with Kerch to really pay attention to the wild beast that he was forcing to stay here.

“Yeah, that parlor hasn’t been used in, what, a century?” was his explanation, and it had made Kaz absolutely livid.

            In that moment he realized that not only did the palace itself have a pretty façade to hide behind, but so did the people who inhabited it.

            They smiled and chatted and did their work like a busy beehive, acting like everything was fine in life and that they were getting along well, but behind closed doors they were completely different people, and often those who were best friends in front of company were the bitterest of enemies once no one was around.

             Why couldn’t they just communicate like Demjin? If two men were rivals, they would fight- perhaps to the death- and the winner would take the other’s females (though sometimes the females would revolt and kill the new leader, thus creating an all-female clan like Petra’s). What was so hard to understand about this?

            Women never fought in a manner like this because women were smart. They talked things over and settled them in a kind and civilized manner, unlike the males, and if the females didn’t get along and neither of them wanted to leave the tribe, the other females would kill them if their feud wasn't resolved.

            And, of course, Ghezen help a man who offended a woman, because the women would have the entire tribe behind her, and it would most likely result in the man’s death. Men were necessary for procreation, yes, but not for individual survival, and they needed to be well aware that the females were only keeping him around to keep the numbers up.

            Humans were so confusing, what with their deceit and their lies, and it made Kaz’s head hurt.

            “Kaz, I know you may not understand-” a maid- who was one of the few that didn’t scream at the sight of him- bemoaned as she brought him his food on a silver platter, which was heaped with roast beef and many other delectable things, “-but I feel comfortable talking about these things with you for precisely that reason. I know that each of my words is going through one ear and out the other, so I didn’t have to worry about you being a gossip.”

            Kaz was too busy eating to really be offended, even as the maid sat down on the chair opposite of him, voicing her woes like one would do to a prized pet when they were upset and alone.

            “I feel that my lover is cheating on me. I know our love is secret, but he’s been making eyes at that stupid Grisha Squaller, Zoya, and I’m not sure what to do-”

            In a way, the maid was right- Kaz only understood about half of what she was saying- but it was enough to get the gist.

            “Any chieftain caught belittling in another chieftain’s tribe is put to death by the females of his own tribe,” Kaz scoffed as he dabbed at his mouth with a napkin, and the maid seemed completely flabbergasted.

            “Excuse me?” she spluttered, and Kaz cocked his head to the side, his brows furrowing.

            “I’m telling you the traditions of my people. If one of the males is caught…err…cheating, as you say, on the females of his tribe, he’s killed and his body thrown to the mountain lions.”

            Needless to say, it wasn’t a surprise that he never saw the maid again.

            The palace’s only saving grace was its vast expanse of outdoor property, which was breathtaking to say the least.

            Whenever he began to grow restless, he threw the doors of his room open and leapt off of his balcony, scaring the pedestrians below half to death before soaring over their heads and rocketing through the sky.

            Kaz would spend hours just flying over the elaborate gardens, the open fields dotted with the royal horses, and hundreds of acres of untamed woodlands, relishing in the whip of the wind in his hair and the way everything seemed to shrink beneath him.

            He loved the free time, loved not having to perform, but at the same time, whenever he retired to his gigantic rooms, he couldn’t help but think of Inej.

            What was she thinking right now? Surely she knew of his sale to the king by now, so how was she coping?

            Demjin were tribe creatures, and Kaz had just been ripped away from his new tribe- the one he’d been seeking for so long since he’d been kicked out of his old one- and now he was alone again.

            The loneliness was the worst part.

            In the Sikurzoi it hadn’t been that bad, because he’d known that eventually he would create a new tribe, whether he found wandering females who’d been kicked from their tribes and took them under his wing or stole the females of a rival chieftain.

            He’d also had a lot to occupy himself- up in the mountains, food wasn’t just served to you on silver platter, and several days could be spent tracking the herds of elk, all for just one meal. There’s also been the fact that he’d had to sew his own clothes, defend his den from mountain lions and fierce males who were too lazy to make their own, and take regular trips to the lake- which was ten miles away- to get a drink of fresh water.

            Here, though, he was isolated and left without anything to keep him busy.

            Nikolai was always busy, being the damned King of Ravka for Ghezen’s sake, and none of the other humans could bear to even be around him. The servants who brought him food trembled at the sight of him, the maidens who drew him baths starting to wear charms and wards to protect themselves from him- the bones of saints and symbols that deterred evil hanging from cords around their necks.

            “I want to leave,” Kaz deadpanned as he stormed over to Nikolai, interrupting a conversation the king was having with one of his advisors. “Can I leave?”

            “No, not yet, we’re not ready.”

            Kaz’s lips curled up into a snarl, and out of the corner of his eye he saw the advisor flinch back. “But I want to go _now_.”

            “Why the rush?” Nikolai prompted, frowning and folding his arms over his chest.

            “Nobody here likes me.”

            “Why, of course they like you. What makes you think they don’t?”

            Kaz cocked an eyebrow and turned sharply to the advisor, who jumped back at least twelve feet. Facing Nikolai once more, he gave the king a very blatant _I told you so_ look. 

            Nikolai’s brow furrowed, “That seems fair, but you just have to bear with me for a few more days. Just a few more.”

            “No, I want to leave now.”

            Nikolai chuckled, “Way to put it bluntly. But we still have to gather all of the resources we can muster before we can set out. Leaving early but unprepared will take longer than if we set out late but with all of the proper supplies. This is a trip deep into the Sikurzoi, remember?”

            “Yeah, I remember,” Kaz mumbled, looking down at his feet, which were clad in the fancy shoes that the servants had given him.

            Nikolai clapped Kaz on the back, “Hang in there, Demjin.”

            “It’s Kaz,” the Demjin corrected, his shoulders hunching.

            “Pardon?”

            “My name,” Kaz repeated, “It’s Kaz.”

            A slow grin spread across Nikolai’s face.

            “Well, nice to meet you, Kaz.”

            Five days later, they set out.  

            Nikolai had warned him that he wouldn’t be able to go along, incredibly busy with running the country and the people in it, but Kaz couldn’t help but feel bitter as he was brought outside and was faced with three complete strangers.

            “Kaz, meet Zoya, Tamar, and Tolya. They’re very good friends of mine, and I guarantee they’ll bring you to the Sikurzoi safely,” Nikolai announced as Kaz sized them up warily, his shoulders tense as his nostrils flared.

            There was something about them that just smelled…off, and he balked when Nikolai tried to lead him over.

            “What’s wrong?” the king asked as a low growl began to rumble in Kaz’s chest. “Did something happen?”

            “I don’t trust them,” Kaz deadpanned, ignoring the indignant looks that came from the strangers. “They smell funny. They’re not humans, but they’re not Demjin. What are they?”

            “They’re humans, of course,” Nikolai replied quizzically, turning to the strangers. “I mean, I think they are.”

            “He might be smelling the fact that we’re Grisha,” one of the strangers, a woman with long black hair and a funny blue outfit, pointed out. “I mean, that’s the only thing that would probably make us smell different than anyone else.”

            “Grisha?” Kaz asked, recalling the word from when the maid had spoken to him, and slowly began to pick his way over to the three people who would be accompanying him on the journey, his wings flared and his ears pricked. “What’s a Grisha?”

            Nikolai said the word in Kerch and Kaz’s muscled seized, his eyes going wide as he recalled the Grisha Healers and Heartrenders that Pekka had brought in when he was trying to “fix” his ankles.

            “No, no, no,” Kaz stammered, stumbling back as his ankles wilted. “No, no, I’m not going with Grisha.”

            “What do you have against Grisha?” the other woman, who was slightly shorter and had two double-bladed axes strapped to her belt, demanded.

            “No. Grisha are bad. Pekka made them give me medicine that made me stupid and angry.”

            The three strangers exchanged a look, and Nikolai ran a hand down his face before deadpanning, “Well, these were the only people who were available and wanted to volunteer. So this is all you’re getting.”

            “Then just give me directions,” Kaz demanded, wings snapping out in his irritation. “Give me a map to the circus and to the Sikurzoi and I’ll go myself.”

            “No, I won’t risk that. You can die or get captured again,” Nikolai insisted, his normally easygoing expression now set into stone. “Zoya, Tamar, and Tolya will protect you.”

            “Humans can’t fly. I can fly out of their reach,” Kaz pointed out, “They can’t reach me there.”

            “But humans have guns,” Nikolai warned. “And hired Grisha Squallers can knock you out of the sky.”

            Kaz looked away sharply, scowling.

            “So are we going or not?” the black-haired woman, Zoya, prompted. “Because if I cleared my schedule for nothing-”

            “No, I’ll go,” Kaz agreed finally, not looking up as he trudged over to the three Grisha.

            He was going to ditch them as soon as he had the chance. He didn’t trust them, for even an iota of a second.

            “Oh, well goodbye, Kaz.”

            Kaz didn’t respond, keeping his back turned to the king and staring at the ground dejectedly as the three Grisha gathered their supplies and mounted their horses, bowing and bidding farewell to the king.

            “Goodbye everyone. Goodbye, Kaz,” Nikolai repeated, and Kaz still ignored him, his lips curling into an ugly snarl and his wings flaring in his irritation.

            “Aren’t you going to say goodbye back?” the big bearish man, Tolya, asked curiously as he hoisted himself up onto the back of a huge cream-colored stallion, and only then did Kaz look up.

            “He’s the one who got me into this mess, and just because he’s letting me go doesn’t justify what he did. I’m just making sure that he knows that he hasn’t been forgiven.”

            And with that, he spread his wings and launched into the sky, circling over the Grisha as they spurred on their horses and took off at a swift trot down the road.

            He pretended not to notice how Nikolai’s head was upturned to the sky, his eyes tracking Kaz’s movement until the Demjin and his escort disappeared from view.

            In a matter of an hour, the big palace was nothing but a smudge in the distance. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long update, I’ve been very busy working on my novel. Again, noting the digital art in the first five chapters! Please check it out and don't be afraid to submit your own!
> 
> Also, don't forget to leave a comment and kudos! Please just take five seconds to tap that kudos button or write out a short comment, I will love you forever!
> 
>  
> 
> Oh and hey this is officially the longest soc fic on this site yeet


	9. We're Captive on the Carousel of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): None

_HIRAETH_

_(n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was;_

_The nostalgia, the yearning, a grief for the lost places of your past._

\----Ӝ----

 

**IX.**

**WE'RE CAPTIVE ON THE CAROUSEL OF TIME**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “The Circle Game” by Joni Mitchell_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Kaz despised his traveling partners with every fiber of his being.

            Tamar and Tolya were too formal and professional to really become acquainted with, content to chat among themselves instead of with Kaz, and Zoya had to be- by far- one of the rudest people that he’d ever met.

            The Grisha Squaller complained and she complained often, whether it be from heat or cold, rain or shine, she was always able to find a way to douse people’s good moods and make them miserable just by projecting her own misery onto them. She complained about being saddle sore, complained about the inns that they stopped at in order to get rest, and complained about the whole expedition in general.

            “Why couldn’t you just be content in the palace?” Zoya prompted from the back of her horse as they walked down path that snaked through heavy woods. A canopy of leaves shielded the sky above them, and the trio of humans had refused to allow Kaz to keep flying when they couldn’t see him through the foliage. “It’s a nice place. Why would you abandon that for a cold group of rocks where it’s several degrees below zero most of the time?”

            “My family is there,” Kaz retorted from the back of Tolya’s horse. The bearish Grisha had allowed Kaz to sit behind him in the saddle for the duration of the time on this path, and Kaz was praying for a long stretch of field or a deforested valley, anything that could get him back into the air and off of this untrustworthy horse that- though big, muscular, and powerful- didn’t seem to be too happy with carrying the both Kaz and Tolya at the same time. 

            “Yeah, but your family kicked you out of your little group-”

            “Tribe,” Kaz corrected scathingly, his wings flaring in his anger, “It’s called a tribe.”

            “–so why would you want to go back to them if they clearly don’t want you?”

            “It is tradition to kick grown males and females out of the tribe. Males are exiled to prevent usurpers, and females to prevent inbreeding.”

            “Inbreeding?” Zoya spluttered, nearly spooking her horse. It would’ve been funny to watch her get thrown off. “Can’t the guys in charge-”

            “Chieftains.”

            “Can’t chieftains just…you know…not fuck their daughters?”

            “It is merely a precaution,” Kaz deadpanned, watching as a bird flitted this way and that in the branches that laced together above his head. “You don’t have to question it in such an impolite manner.”

            Zoya ignored him, toying with the reins idly and musing, “So, like, do girls start having babies as soon as they can? Is it that kind of thing?”

            “That’s preposterous,” he growled, bristling and leveling her with a glare that could make flowers wither. “Do you think we’re barbarians? No woman who has just started menstruating would be able to survive childbirth.”

            “Just checking to make sure. Cause that means these old dude chieftains are having kids with twelve year olds.”

            “There are rarely old chieftains,” Kaz explained matter-of-factly, sitting up a bit straighter as he glowered at the Grisha Squaller, his arms folding over his chest despite the fact that it made him fearful that he’d fall off the side of the horse with nothing to hold on to.  “Chieftains need to be fit and able to provide for their tribe. Otherwise, they can be overthrown by a younger male or by their own females.”

            “Define overthrown,” Zoya drawled, though she clearly knew the answer already. She just wanted Kaz to say it out loud and confirm her suspicions that the Demjin were beasts. Though their customs may seem animalistic to humans, Kaz was convinced that it was the humans who were the animals, not the Demjin.

            “Killed,” he ground out through clenched teeth. “They’re killed.”

            “Ah, I see,” she remarked thoughtfully, leering, and Kaz was just about to pounce on her and rip her face off.

            He knew that she was trying to goad him into attacking her, though, to prove that he was nothing but a monster who shouldn’t be trusted, and he wasn’t going to give her the luxury of getting him aggravated.

            They lapsed into silence, and Kaz found himself stewing in his own bitterness as Tolya’s horse walked on, the quadruplet lurch of the huge stallion’s gait making Kaz sway in the saddle. All was quiet except for the sounds of the leaves rustling, birds tittering, and the dirt crunching beneath the horses’ hooves.

            Inej and the other Ghafas were never this terrible to him.

            At least Pekka and Oomen hadn’t pretended to be nice, hadn’t pretended that they were helping Kaz by being cruel to him. These people, though, were hypocrites. They hid behind kind façades and pretended that they were the good guys, but in reality they treated Kaz just like the other members of the circus did: with doubt and fear and prejudice.

He would’ve never known such prejudice if he had been able to fend off his attackers.

            Kaz’s mood managed to sour even more when he thought of that terrible night, and even though he wanted to blame himself, wanted to think that had he just been stronger he would’ve been able to defeat the humans, but in his heart he knew that there’d been too many of them. It would’ve ended up exactly like this or with him in a body bag, and Kaz wasn’t sure which was worse.

            With growing dread, he realized that he could no longer remember most of what had happened; it had been a long time since it had haunted him while he slept, and the nightmares were what kept it fresh in his mind. In reality, it had happened a long time ago. Many, many months, at the very least. Almost a year.

            He’d been caught in the summer, had stayed through the fall and the winter, and now spring was approaching. It wouldn’t be long before summer rolled around once more.

            With a pang of sadness, Kaz realized that the tribes had probably already returned from their migration south. Spring would be a time of new beginnings, of new fledglings and new tribes and chieftains, and it would all happen without him. The Sikurzoi had a mind of their own. They didn’t care that there was one Demjin missing; time went on whether or not Kaz was there- the world kept turning, and that meant that all of his friends and family were turning with it. If any of them lingered, tried to wait for Kaz, they’d be lost along with him.

            He wondered how Jordie and Jesper and his mom were doing. Were they getting by? Were they still plagued by grief? Did they still miss him, or have they accepted it by now?

            He sure missed them terribly.

Then again, he knew that they were alive- he just couldn’t get to them. He knew that they thought he was dead. When he’d missed migration, Petra probably had send Jordie to his cave to check on him. He would’ve found it empty and ransacked.

            This was his second day on the road with Zoya, Tamar, and Tolya, and he was already longing for his family more intensely than before. He felt it in the very marrow of his bones, his blood calling out for his kin, his mind reaching out to them instinctively.

            He didn’t belong here, in the world of man.

            He hadn’t belonged with Pekka, hadn’t belonged with the Ghafas, hadn’t belonged with Nikolai, and certainly didn’t belong with these three Grisha.

            This was a human’s world, and Demjin were to have no part in it. He needed to be with his own kind, needed to speak in his native tongue and have someone respond to him in that same tongue. He needed to feel the cold and clear air of the Sikurzoi, needed to dive into canyons that were deep enough to give him vertigo when he looked down into them. He needed to go on the hunt and provide for himself.

            And perhaps, he needed to start a tribe.

            Whenever he thought of that, though, it made him feel wrong all over; if someone were to ask him to envision the person he cares most for at that very moment, his mind would immediately go to Inej. It was odd, really. Inej wasn’t a Demjin. She’d never had wings or horns or even stepped into the Demjin’s world, just like how Kaz had stepped into the humans’.

            Shouldn’t he care most for his mother? His brother? Jesper? After all, he’d grown up with them. On top of that, he couldn’t even imagine loving more than one woman. When chieftains were asked that question, all of the females in their tribe should come to mind, but Kaz couldn’t imagine caring so deeply for so many females.

            The only person he could possibly think of was Inej, someone who he cared for deeply who wasn't a part of his family- or in Jesper’s case, basically a part of his family.

            Perhaps human culture was rubbing off on him? After all, the humans’ he’s met were all strictly monogamous.

            And the thought of having so many people depending on him, of needing to guide his tribe in the direction of the elk and care for every single person in it with as much love and care as he has for his own family- it was nearly inconceivable.

            And by Ghezen, the children.

            He didn’t think he could have so many kids and then kick them out, never to be seen again except during migrations to and from the Sikurzoi.  

            Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa didn’t look like they were going to kick their daughters out any time soon, even though the eldest was of age and the two younger ones were growing near to being of age. They lived together, for Ghezen’s sake, and they had a life together; their togetherness didn’t get completely cut off like it did in the Demjin world, and Kaz believed that this also stemmed from monogamy:

            Mr. Ghafa didn’t have to worry about inbreeding because he had only one partner, not so many that it was difficult to keep track. And even if he did have sons, he wouldn’t have to worry about them trying to usurp him; the sons wouldn’t want to take over a tribe filled with females who were related to him, and other males outside of their family didn’t have a desire to take more than one female.

            It was so much simpler.

            If he just settled down with one female- for instance, Inej- he could dedicate his entire heart and soul to her. Chieftains had to lend their hearts and souls to all of their females, to the point where it must’ve been absolutely exhausting; worrying about and caring for so many people must’ve worn them down in some way, shape, or form.

            He and Inej could raise a family, and when their children matured and wanted to leave, they could absolutely do so. If they wanted to stay, then Kaz wouldn’t mind. The two of them didn’t have to kick their kids out at the drop of the hat. They could wait until they were ready.

            And on top of that, the kids could visit. On holidays, for dinner, and even just for fun. Kaz learned that’s what most humans who’d left their parents did. He didn’t even realize when he slumped against Tolya’s back and fell asleep.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

_“Why don’t we ever go see the humans?” Kaz asked one day as he and Jesper splashed around in the river, which wasn’t allowed unless the children were in groups; that way, if someone fell in, there would be another there to rescue them or go get help._

_It was a sluggish river, weary from age, and was barely capable of sweeping anyone away, though the policy was still in place as a precaution._

_The water was always icy cold and dragged at Kaz’s limbs slightly as it flowed downstream, but it was even colder from the recent snowmelt, and Kaz was numb all over as he and Jesper romped around in the thigh-high water, splashing each other and diving underwater to see if they could catch any fish. It never happened- they were so noisy that they never got even close to any fish- but Jesper always swore that he touched one once._

_Pines rose up on either side, their boughs thick and their tops seeming to scrape the sky, and behind them loomed the jagged outline of the mountains that surrounded the valley, their peaks capped with snow and their long, crooked spines seeming to go on forever._

_The tree branches rustled in the slight breeze, and pinecones sometimes fell to the ground, joining the many that were already scattered across the ground._

_“My mom told me that humans are really vicious,” Jesper answered finally. “Like bears and mountain lions.” He clambered up onto a huge rock and balanced precariously, his bare toes clinging to the slick surface before he jumped back into the water. “She says they don’t like us because we look bad.”_

_“_ We _look bad?” Kaz scoffed, using the water to make his hair stick up in spikes. “If anything, it’s the humans that look weird. They don’t have any horns or wings! How do they get their food? Do they_ walk _?”_

_“Nobody walks to hunt their food,” Jesper retorted before dunking underwater and coming back up with a smooth, oblong stone that was a little smaller than Jesper’s head. He hefted it up and tossed it as far as he could, and it landed with a big plop not three feet away. The two boys watched, mesmerized, at the big splash that it made._

_“In all seriousness, though, do you think they would try to hurt us?” Kaz asked, sloshing over to shore and sifting through the stones there to see if there were any that were flat enough to be skipped across the water. “Because we look weird?”_

_“Humans try to hurt anything that they think is weird. Anything that’s different from them. They even hurt other humans because they’re different.”_

_“That sucks.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Boys! Dinner!” the melodious voice of Kaz’s mother floated through the trees. He didn’t really call her mother, simply “Petra” because Jordie told him that calling her “mom” would erase the noble deed that their real mother did to help them stay alive._

_Kaz and Jesper scrambled out of the water, pushing and shoving, and raced to see who could get their clothes on fast enough before they took off through the trees in the direction of their newest camp. The elk were now heading in a southerly direction, and the tribe had had to pack up their old residence, which they’d inhabited for a good month or so, in order to pursue the herd._

_As the two boys rocketed into camp, they nearly ran headfirst into Petra, who- along with the rest of the hunting team- were lugging in a gigantic buck to be roasted over the huge fire pit that some of the other women had dug._

_Once he was stripped of meat, the rest of his body would be harvested so that no part of the animal went to waste.  The antlers, hooves, and bones would probably go towards making jewelry and tools- such as weapons and sewing needles- the hide would go towards clothing and tents, and the organs… Kaz had no idea what the women did with the organs, but he knew that they sometimes used them as bait if they wanted to lure in mountain lions or bears._

_“Watch out, boys,” Petra warned, and the two nodded vigorously before running off to find Jesper’s mom._

_Aditi was sitting just outside of her tent, nursing Jesper’s new younger half-sister. Since this was an all-women tribe, the members had to go and seek out other males to mate with (if they even wanted to mate), and it was highly unlikely that that Aditi would’ve found Colm (Jesper’s father) twice. The man was probably a chieftain now, and only lone males were allowed to mate with random females, since he didn’t have a tribe of his own. Most of the time those random females would become a part of his tribe, but Petra’s women have thus far proved to be very loyal to her all-women’s tribe._

_“Mom, mom, when do you think dinner will be done cooking?”_

_“Not in a long while,” Aditi replied calmly, Jesper’s sister still at her breast. “It takes a long time to cook, you know that.”_

_“But then why did Petra call us over?” Kaz complained, crossing his arms, and Aditi shook her head, chuckling._

_“She knows that you’d be late for dinner if she called you when it was actually ready. I don’t know what you boys will do once you have to move out.”_

_“Me neither,” the two replied in unison._

\----Ӝ----

 

            Kaz was jolted from sleep by Zoya’s sharp announcement, “We’re nearing the next checkpoint.”

            “Another tavern?” Kaz asked, wrinkling his nose and blinking blearily, his mind still a bit fogged from sleep. It felt like there was a hole in his chest, and the loneliness pierced him sharply, the longing for his family leaving a gaping abyss where his heart had once been. The last inn they’d slept at had reeked of booze, smoke, and body odor, and Kaz had been kept awake by the sounds of the human couple in the room next to him fornicating throughout the night.

            “Sorry to break it to you, but yes it’s another tavern.” Kaz was surprised that the hard edge to Zoya’s voice had softened, along with her expression. He didn’t know she could express any emotions besides smugness and disgust. “We would’ve stopped at the place of an old friend, two old friends, actually, but they’re all the way out in the other direction.”

            “I take it that you don’t visit?”

            “We do sometimes, but we’re not allowed to do it often. They would’ve been much nicer hosts than these heathens that we’re about to encounter.”

            The dirt road before them branched into a fork, and the Grisha ushered their horses off to the left, despite the fact that it looked to be the less-used one.

            “We’ll return to the path tomorrow. Both us and our horses need rest,” Tolya explained as the main road faded from view, his deep, rumbling voice reverberating through his chest. “It shouldn’t be far, now.”

            After a few more minutes of walking, a gigantic wooden building loomed up before them. It was dilapidated, the wood rotting and nearly every window fractured, and the door hung ajar, allowing the smell of cheap spirits and unclean travelers waft over to them.  

            “Looks like we’re going to have a lot of fun here,” Tamar sighed.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            The Two Ducks Tavern was probably the worst place that Kaz had ever had the misfortune of sleeping in, and the Demjin had had the opportunity to sleep in a cage and in a cave. This was worse.

            As soon as they stepped foot inside, after a super shady teenager had taken their horses to the stable out back to be given food and water, all eyes were on them. The intense scrutiny made Kaz glad that they’d given him a shawl with a hood to hide his horns and wings. It didn’t help that the Grisha were decked in their full military regalia, boasting brightly-colored keftas that clearly boasted their positions. Tamar and Tolya had hidden theirs under shawls that matched Kaz’s, but Zoya’s kefta was out for all to see, and its pristine royal blue fabric embroidered with light blue stuck out like a sore thumb amid a sea of dusty, unkempt, and ragged travel wear.

            Her head held high, Zoya led the group through a sea of closely clustered tables, all the way up to the counter.

            She slammed two bright gold coins onto the counter- which the haggard man behind it ogled at- as well as a certificate that was signed by Nikolai. “We’d like your three biggest rooms, please, by order of King Nikolai Lantsov.”

            “And what brings a convoy from the King to these parts?” the man demanded, scrutinizing the certificate before tucking the coins into his pocket and rummaging around a drawer for the keys to the rooms.

            “That is none of your concern,” Zoya deadpanned, holding out her hand and watching smugly as the man glared at her and placed the keys into her palm.

            Kaz didn’t like the weight of the stares on his back as the four of them filed out of the room and up the steps, but he was too concentrated on the empty hole in his heart to really care all that much.

            That was probably the reason why, in the late hours of night when he was sure that his companions were sound asleep in their rooms, he threw open the windows and launched himself into the sky.

            He didn’t belong with them. He needed to continue his journey by himself.

            With the familiar dirt road twisting beneath him as he followed it, his resolved thickened. He was going to find Inej, and he was going to find his family.

            And, some way, somehow, he would manage to keep both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it! Listen, I’m really sorry about the long update. I’ve been on vacation and then school started up and I was also editing my novel and then I had a ton of writer’s block on this, so I apologize that I wasn’t able to update sooner. Just a note; there's now digital art an chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4 if you want to check it out!


	10. Put on Your Sunday Clothes, There's Lots of World Out There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Blood, gore, death of an animal

_“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”_

_-Chinese proverb_

\----Ӝ----

 

**X.**

**PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES, THERE'S LOTS OF WORLD OUT THERE**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Put On Your Sunday Clothes” by Michael Crawford and Barbara Streisand from_ Hello, Dolly!

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Kaz sidled up to the enclosure, saliva dribbling from his mouth as he peered through the fence and out at the dark silhouettes that were dotted around the field beyond. His fingers flexed, his claws slicing into his palms as he curled his hands into fists, and his ankles ached from standing for so long. Though they were stronger than they'd been before, they still had a tendency to wilt whenever he hadn’t sat down in a while.

            It was a cool, crisp night. The moon was high up in the sky, pale in her beauty as she illuminated the blades of grass around him, which swayed hypnotically in the breeze. The crickets had returned from their long winter slumber and were trilling in the grass, the night alive with the drone of trillions of insects. Occasionally, timber wolves could be heard calling to each other in the north.

            It was so peaceful, and Kaz was loath to break such peace, but he was salivating so much that he was afraid it would escape between his lips and dribble down his chin.

            The fence was easily scaled, and Kaz landed on all fours, crouching in the grass and peering through the tall fronds to watch as a huge animal grazed fifty yards away, with what could only be her offspring by her side.

            Kaz had never seen such beasts in his life. They were gigantic, much larger than deer or elk, with barrels for chests, hides splotched brown and white, and ropelike tails. Though elk were technically taller, these beasts were bigger; they were like rocks that had grown legs, and would not easily be brought down like the deer had.

            Kaz’s stomach rumbled faintly.

He hadn’t eaten all day; the Grisha had been the ones carrying all of the money and buying all of the meals, and Kaz hadn’t wanted to steal from them when he could get food on his own. He’d waited until nightfall to eat− with his ankles, he wasn't as stealthy or quick as he used to be, and the cover of darkness would give him the upper hand.

            He couldn’t possibly take down one of the adults; they were too large and too muscular to defeat without the help of a tribe, and if he attempted to kill one by himself he would most certainly get trampled or even maimed, judging from the horns on the males.

            That meant he was going to have to go after the calf.

            It wasn’t uncommon for Demjin to go after calves− they, along with elders, were easily singled out and much easier to take down than a healthy adult− but they lacked the meat that full-grown specimen did, and Demjin had figured out that killing too many calves lead to population decline.

            But these beasts were sustaining a healthy heard, and judging from the outlines of other animals in the field that sprawled beyond, there were many more calves to be had.

            As he inched closer, careful not to step in any of the beasts’ excrement, he couldn’t help but wonder why these animals were so large. No, not large, but _fat_. No animal in the wild was fat, but these animals had managed it anyway, to the point where even a single calf could provide a tribe of five with meat for at least a week. It was probably the reason why they were fenced in, so humans could “hunt” them.

            In his opinion, that wasn’t quite fair. There was nowhere for the animals to run, nowhere for them to hide and have the chance of getting away, but he wasn't going to start questioning the humans now, not when he’d experienced far worse things at their hands.

            Still the human practice of caging in animals and hunting them rather than going out into the wild and doing it the honorable way intrigued Kaz to no end.

            He was so consumed by his curiosity, so completely enamored by these unfamiliar beasts and practices, that he forgot to watch where he was stepping. The sound of a large stick snapping beneath his feet made him cringe, and immediately all of the beasts were on high alert.

            They raised their gigantic heads in eerie unison, their ears rotating and their noses twitching as they regarded Kaz.

            Their large, dark eyes were trained on him, and Kaz knew that he’d been spotted.

            He tensed all over, his wings snapping out as he braced himself for the inevitable stampede, but instead of charging toward him or fleeing, the beasts gave him one long look before returning to their grazing.

            Kaz’s feet were rooted to the ground.

            Here he was, a predator standing amid a herd of pack animals whose calves he could easily slaughter, and yet the animals weren’t alarmed in the slightest. In fact, they didn’t seem concerned at all, and needless to say Kaz was confused. What was going on? Did they not think Kaz was a threat? Did they believe that he was too small and insignificant compared to them to be all that worried about?

            His wings spread so he could make a hasty escape if things suddenly went awry, Kaz began to pick his way over to the mother and calf he’d been eying earlier.

            He came within ten feet of them and the mother only regarded him indifferently, even as he kept comping closer. Closer. Closer. Closer.

            Now there was only a foot of space between him and the beast.

            She was dirtied from many days spent out in the field, and her stocky build spoke of a seasoned warrior, one that had survived the humans’ many hunts. It really was an awe-inspiring creature, almost as much as awe-inspiring the elk were up close, and Kaz took a few moments to marvel at it. She didn’t seem to mind in the least, as if she were pretending that Kaz wasn’t there.

            With a trembling hand, he reached out and touched the beast’s hide, his fingertips brushing over her flank for a split second before he yanked his hand back. No reaction whatsoever. Taking a deep breath, he reached out once more and ran his fingers over the thin layer of brown and white hair, taking in the coarseness of it. It was a lot like the hair on the horses that the Gisha rode.

            The beast turned her head to regard Kaz and made a low, guttural sound in her throat that scared Kaz nearly half to death, and he leapt at least ten feet away from her in his fear. The noise, however, must’ve been nothing more than a reluctant greeting.

            After he managed to calm his raging heart, he turned to the calf, who’d been watching the whole thing unfold curiously, and hesitantly reached his hand out to it, nearly shocked out of his own skin when the calf pranced over to him and rubbed against his outstretched fingers.

            “This is absurd,” he muttered in his native language as he stroked the calf’s soft head. “Absolutely absurd.”

            His stomach growled again, and he looked down at the calf, his brow furrowing before he decided that both it and its mother too kind to slaughter in cold blood.

            Turning, his eyes scanned the field for other possible meals. Ones that were sick and suffering or elderly, but instead of picking out one of the weak ones, his eyes zeroed in on a giant specimen. It must’ve weighed a ton, its shoulders hunched and its horns looking more like claws as they curled out of its sloping forehead. It had to be the biggest animal in the herd, its head reaching up higher than Kaz was tall, and it was currently watching Kaz like a hawk, the only one out of the entire herd that seemed wary.

            Now, because of its ginormous size and obvious suspicion that would take away Kaz’s element of surprise, one would assume that the Demjin would keep looking, but no. If he took down this animal now and settled down for the night, he would have food for the rest of his journey, which meant he would be taking less lives.

            Normally, Kaz wouldn’t have a problem taking an animal’s life as long as he prayed and thanked the animal for putting up a fight and ultimately sacrificing itself to help sustain another being, but these animals were gentle, and he didn’t want to kill more of them than he had to.

            His mind made up, Kaz turned on his heel and took off at a brisk pace towards the male, locking eyes with it. If he’d been hunting a giant elk, he would’ve never done such a thing; looking it in the eyes meant he was challenging it, and elk that were challenged often attacked rather than ran, which could end up with someone dead.

            The beast didn’t move a muscle as Kaz approached it, stopping two feet in front of it before extending his hand. It watched him accusingly for a few moments before craning its neck and sniffing at his fingers, its nostrils flaring. Kaz was surprised to find that a ring had been inserted into its nose, and he frowned, withdrawing his hand from in front of the beasts’ face to examine the ring.

            Humans never ceased to amaze him with their cruel practices. First the penning in and now the rings stuck through their animals’ noses? It was to the point where it made Kaz almost irritated, but he had no time to ponder anymore as his stomach begged him for something to eat.

            After fidgeting with the ring for a few moments, Kaz found that the animal would tamely follow him whenever he pulled on it, so the Demjin could only assume that the humans tied ropes to the rips to lead the beast around, which only served to make him more annoyed and puzzled. Why mutilate the animals’ body when one could just tie a rope around its neck and lead it the exact same way?

            Pulling gently as to make sure he didn’t harm the animal, he led it over to the edge of the fence, tiptoeing around excrement and sidestepping other beasts.

            He frowned, turning to the fence and then back to the herd. The last thing he wanted to do was kill this animal right in front of its kin; it would be cruel, not to mention dangerous for everyone involved. After the beast was slain, its comrades would probably turn on Kaz and gore him while he was trying to drag the beast’s corpse away.

            For a while he trekked the perimeter of the fence, the animal following him closely, and guilt began to pool in Kaz’s stomach. This creature was so trusting, so completely naïve of what was about to come, but before he let yet another possible meal free, he steeled himself. He had to get this done. It was now or never.

            Eventually he found a gate installed into the fence. Kaz made quick work of the ropes that were tying it closed, and used a fragment of it to tie around the nose ring so the animal didn’t have to follow so closely on Kaz’s heels.

            He lingered, his hands poised to close the gate again, but he took one look at the herd and smiled slyly before leading the beast away, the gate still hanging ajar.

            He took it deep into the forest, weaving through trees and soldiering through brambles and shrubs before he reached a nice, peaceful clearing. The leaves rustled overhead, making odd designs in the swathes of moonlight that hit the forest floor, and Kaz deemed this a respectable place to begin as he untied the rope from the nose ring.

            He wanted this to be a fair fight. He wanted the beast to be able to run if he so chose, to give it at least a chance of survival.

            Giving the animal one last look, he patted its head and murmured a soft apology before his muscles seized up and he sprung onto its back.

            The animal let out a sharp bellow that was more surprised than angry, stumbling back as Kaz dug his claws into the meat of its hulking shoulders, and began to buck in an attempt to dislodge the Demjin as he clung to the beast for dear life.

            It raced through the forest, with Kaz struggling to stay on as it stumbled over rocks and blundered through low-hanging branches, which raked over his face and caused small lacerations to open up on his face and arms.

            Distantly, he registered the familiar chorus of humans shouting, but he could barely hear it over the sound of his racing heart and his own labored breathing.

            The beast zigzagged all over the place, to the point where Kaz was just along for the ride and could do nothing but hold on. How could he possibly take this beast down all by himself? His only hope was that it would tire at least sometime soon.

            It was wild with fear, obviously never having experienced such pain until now− the fence had probably averted most predators and the humans seemed to have been treating it kindly, and guilt turned his stomach to stone as he screwed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw through it, holding a chunk of flesh between his teeth tightly as the beast surged and kicked.

            “Joro? Joro!” came a sharp cry, most likely from the owners of the herd, and Kaz’s heart relocated itself into his throat as he removed his teeth from the animal’s back and relocated them to the back of its meaty neck, blood exploding into his mouth.

            He tried to ignore the panicked cries of the animal, tuning it out as he let out a roar, clawing at its back.

            More voices bubbled up, and Kaz knew that they’d found the gates open and were drawn to the noise that he and the beast were making. They'd  been following them in the foods for all of this time.

            _Please make this quick_ , he prayed.

            The beast was now slamming itself into trees, and more often than not Kaz’s legs were airborne while his teeth and claws were firmly latched into the beasts’ flesh.

            Grimacing, he reached around the animal’s giant neck, and just as a group of humans burst through the underbrush he raked his claws across the beast’s throat, effectively severing its windpipe.

            The animal collapsed, wheezing as it choked on its own blood, and Kaz couldn’t help but feel overwhelming pity for it as his hands grew soaked in blood.

            “What the fuck?!” screeched the main human, and only then did Kaz turn to regard them, the lower half of his face slathered in blood as he knelt by the corpse of the dying beast.

            One look sent both the main human and his comrades tearing back the way they came, screaming of a monster.

            They’d be back with reinforcements, Kaz knew, so he quickly bent his head and pressed it against the ebbing pulse of the beast.

            “Thank you for your sacrifice. I am eternally grateful,” he murmured to it, stroking his fingers over the beast’s snout in an attempt to comfort it, but it was already dead, its dark eyes staring off into nothing.

            Rising shakily to his feet, Kaz took a hold of one of the beast’s legs and began to drag it away.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            After taking a night to skin the animal and properly cook its meat, divvying it up to manageable pieces, Kaz was back on the trail (Though not after washing all of the blood off of him in a nearby creek).

            He traveled for days, sometimes flying and sometimes on foot in order to blend in with the masses. He followed the caravans of rich merchers and royalty that were babbling about some prized bull (Kaz didn't know what that was) that was killed by a supposed beast, as well as about the Demjin, and he smirked under the cover of his hood when he thought of how shocked and appalled they would be when they found out that the Demjin was no longer performing.

            The shawl, which he’d stolen from a lone traveler who’d had the misfortune of falling asleep on the side of the road, did wonders for him. It hid both his horns and his wings, and unless someone was looking very hard, they didn’t even give him a second glance. This ability to blend in with the masses was a gift to say the least.

            “Hello, can you point me in the direction of the circus?” he’d ask an innkeeper or a fellow traveler passing by, and they’d give him the directions on where he should go.

            He survived off of hunting deer and occasionally odd ground-ridden birds that were kept in pens like the brown-and-white beasts.

            Granted, sometimes he would get caught by the humans that owned the birds and would have to make a hasty escape before he was shot, but the delectable meat was well worth it, albeit after a bit of plucking.

            That day was a brisk one. The air was cool and felt good in his lungs, and he padded down the path with a pep in his step. He knew that the circus was close, knew that _Inej_ was close, and that made him all the more excited to see her again. A small pit of dread lingered in his stomach, though.

            This was a goodbye.

            After this, he probably wouldn’t see Inej ever again, unless he dared to visit her.

            No, that would be suicide. That could get him caught again, and the last thing he wanted to do was get caught now that he’d required his freedom.

            He tried to think on the bright side.

            Even though he probably wouldn’t get to see Inej anymore, he’d be reunited with Jesper and Petra, whom Kaz had thought were lost to him.

            He could go back to his cave, and perhaps start a tribe.

            His high hopes plummeted once more.

            How could he start a tribe when he was always thinking of Inej? How could he love people as unconditionally as he loves her?

            Shaking his head, he soldiered on, refusing to acknowledge any of the pesky ‘What-Ifs’ that tried to surface in his mind.

            After a few more hours of traveling, he came across a huge painted sign that was propped up next to the road.

            _“VAN ECK CIRCUS, THREE MILES”_ it read in brightly colored lettering.

            Emblazoned on it were paintings of lions and horses and acrobats, and Kaz frowned when he took a closer look at the acrobats in the painting, who looked nothing like the Ghafas. Their skin was too light, their bodies too thin, and their faces shaped and sculpted to the point where they were barely recognizable. If Kaz hadn’t known the Ghafas as well as he did, he probably wouldn’t’ve been able to find any resemblance at all.

            The thing that caught his eye the most, though, was himself.

            He was painted in the upper right hand corner, crouched on all fours with his wings spread as he bared his teeth at a man wielding a whip. When were his horns so long? When were his claws that serrated? And when did his mouth become packed with so many teeth? This painting was a mere caricature of him, comically blowing his inhumanity out of proportion in order to lure in tourists.

            His lips curled in a snarl, and he walked on in the direction that the huge yellow arrow on the sign was pointing. Disappearing into the tree line to avoid the prying eyes of the other pedestrians around him, Kaz immediately took to wing. It was faster than walking, and he could easily cover the three miles while flying, rather than having to suffer through a grueling journey on foot in order to blend in with the masses.

            By the time he reached the familiar circus grounds, night had fallen.

            The mere sight of the tents should’ve made his stomach churn, should’ve reminded him of all of the suffering he did at the end of the club and the whip, but instead of that, all he could think about was the Ghafas and how excited they would be when they realized he’d come back to them.

            He cooked up dozens of scenarios and ways he could present himself to the Ghafas, and every time their reaction was the same: laughing, in cases weeping, and throwing their arms around him before inviting him to one last dinner before he had to go on to the Sikurzoi.  The thought made him go warm all over, and his spirits soared sky high along with his body as he coasted on the updrafts and currents around him.

            He circled the grounds a few times, scanning to see if there were any patrols, but apparently the guards had all been withdrawn after he’d been sold off to Nikolai. There wasn’t anything else valuable in there that would need to be guarded. When he decided that the coast was clear, he slowly descended, his eyes scanning the landscape sharply before he alighted onto the gritty earth that he never thought he’d miss.

            Taking a deep breath and beaming to himself, Kaz slunk through the shadows and over to the performers’ tents, his feet barely making a sound as he moved. He wandered past the road he and Inej had so often traveled on that led to the cages and the bathing pool and the field, and he made a mental note to visit Matthias’ grave one last time before he left.

            As he approached the performers’ tents, he couldn’t help but wonder why it was so quiet. It wasn't that late of the hour, and normally voices should be bubbling up from inside the tents, which were all lit from the inside, signaling that yes, they were occupied. Perhaps everyone had gone to bed early?

            Still, he kept his ears pricked as he wove through the tents silently.

            He swore he saw someone peeking out between the curtains of their tent, but she quickly withdrew when she realized that Kaz had noticed. That was odd; she didn’t seem all that panicked or surprised that Kaz was here, and that only made Kaz all the more wary.

            Finally, he was able to pick out the Ghafas’ red and yellow tent among the motley of other colors, and the mere sight of it made his heart flutter, his nervousness sliding off of his shoulders like a heavy coat. His smile returned full-force, and he picked up the pace as he padded over, his eyes tracing the silhouettes that were outlined against the light coming from within the tent.

            He could make out Mr. and Mrs. Fahey, Inej’s sisters, and…

            He felt his breath catch in his chest.

            Inej.

            She was here. He saw her moving around inside. After all of these weeks being separated, here she was at last.

            Unable to slow himself down any longer, he bounded over to the mouth of the tent, feeling as light as a feather as he crouched down in front of it and tapped on the sheets that were covering it.

            There was a murmur of voices from within, the first sound he’d heard come from the grounds this whole evening, before thin fingers slowly peeled the sheet away.

            “Inej,” he breathed, his joy bleeding into her name as their eyes met. He never thought he’d see those eyes again. “Inej, I’m here.”

            “You shouldn’t’ve come back.”

            Kaz’s heart stopped beating in his chest as he finally got a good look at Inej’s expression. Thin lips. Wide, fearful eyes.

            There was no weeping. No laughing. No group hugs and promises of dinner.

            “W-w-what?” he spluttered, heartbroken.

            “Kaz, you have to go.”

            “I just got here. I wanted to come to say goodbye. I’m on my way home.”

            “Alright, you said goodbye. Now go.”

            Her words were like a slap to the face, and Kaz’s wings drooped, his eyes lowering to the ground as his shoulders sagged. “Inej−”

            “Kaz, I’m serious, you have to go now,” her words were suddenly tinged with hysteria, and she even went so far as to push at Kaz’s chest a little in an attempt to get him on his way. “Please, Kaz, you have to go.”

            “Why do you want to get rid of me so badly?” Kaz demanded, his sorrow replaced by indignation. “Why are you being so mean?”

            “I’m sorry, but you have to leave here! Please!”

            “At least tell my why!” Kaz demanded, blinking back tears. Here he was, united with the only person he’s ever loved, and she was sending him away without even a proper hello.

            “Why? It’s Van Eck! News spread that a famous prized bull, Joro, was killed. All of the witnesses say that it was a beast who did it, and when they were asked to describe this beast it was you. Nobody believes him, the witnesses were the town drunks, but Van Eck _knew!_ He knew that you were coming back for us. It’s a tra−”

            And then suddenly rough hands were on him.

            Kaz screamed, partially in fear and partially out of anger, and thrashed as a group of men wrestled him to the ground. His mind immediately went back to when he was first captured, and that only made him struggle harder.

            He’d been free. He couldn’t go back. Not now. Not like this.

            Roaring, he shredded a man’s face with his claws, watching as the man stumbled back with a yell, and pounced on another to tear at his chest. It was a frenzy, but Kaz didn’t care as he snapped and clawed and headhbutted and kicked whatever moved. Another guard went down as Kaz tore out his throat with his teeth, and another had to drag himself out of the fray when Kaz ripped a chunk of flesh from his calf. There were too many enemies, though, too many people to fight, and the moment Kaz began to grow weary, they were on him.

            He was tackled to the ground, all of the breath knocked out of him as he was crushed beneath the weight of a gigantic bear of a man. He writhed like a man possessed, growling an gnashing his teeth and kicking out, but it didn’t take long before a wire muzzle was strapped around his face to keep his teeth at bay, his hands and feet chained together soon after that.

            “Inej!” he cried as he struggled, knowing fully well that it was no use anymore as the men began to drag him away. “Inej!”

            He was delirious with fear, his mind clouded and his breath sawing in and out of his lungs, and all he could think was that once more Van Eck’s men had overcome him.

            Once more, he’d be at the mercy of humans.

            And he’d been so close to freedom, so close to getting back to his family.

            So close to getting back home.

            They wrestled him into a too-small cage, which in turn was loaded onto a carriage, and all he could do was curl up and wonder why the world had to be so cruel to him specifically, why it seemed to take such pleasure in tearing Kaz’s life to bits.

            As the driver clucked to the horses and the carriage began to rattle down the path, Kaz shielded himself with his wings as tears slipped down his cheeks.

            He cried himself to sleep that night, with the cold bars of the cage as his only company.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that it took so long to update. I had severe writer’s block and I also just started the school play, which takes up a huge chunk of my time. Again, I’m sorry.


	11. When the Land was Godless and Free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Abuse, starvation, dehydration, dehumanization

_“With the monstrous weapons man already has,_

_humanity is in danger of being trapped in this world by its moral adolescents.”_

_−Omar N. Bradley_

\----Ӝ----

 

**XI.**

**WHEN THE LAND WAS GODLESS AND FREE**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Foreigner’s God” by Hozier_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            They refused him food and water to keep him weak.

            Kaz spent many days and nights hissing and spitting at his captors, railing against the bars of the cage and thrashing until he passed out from exhaustion. The fighting was what kept his mind off of the grief, kept his mind off of the chains that shackled him and the wire muzzle that kept his teeth at bay.

            But the men still feared him, still feared his wrath, and eventually stopped filling up his food and water troughs in order to keep him cowed. This effectively halted his efforts to escape, and he often found himself slumped in his cage, his eyes rolled up to the sky as his attention zeroed in on his dry mouth and empty stomach.

            He wasn’t sure how long they traveled. Two days could’ve easily been two months, and he only survived because they sometimes fed him scraps during stopovers. He was only taken out of the cage when they let him go to the bathroom, and it was awkward to say the least to have to stand and pee in the woods with several men watching him like hawks.

            His legs and wings cramped up and there was a kink in his back that was driving him absolutely insane, but all he could do was stare at the sky and suffer in silence, knowing fully well that his captors wouldn’t take kindly to his complaints.

            Eventually, it became too much to bear.

            “Please give me water,” Kaz rasped to the youngest one, who was stacking supplies around and on top of Kaz’s cage. “I need water.”

            The man− no, the boy; he couldn’t’ve been older than fifteen− stared at him, wide-eyed. His gaze darted around as if to search for any of his comrades nearby and ask them what he should do, but they’d all retreated into the shady pub they’d stopped at, and he knew better than to intermingle with those kinds of crowds.

            “You can speak?” the boy whispered, tensing up as he said the words and giving his surroundings another once-over to make sure that there weren’t any prying ears listening in.

            “Why wouldn’t I?” Kaz’s mouth was so dry that he could barely get the words out, and he licked his chapped lips, a gesture that felt like he was scrubbing them with sandpaper.

            “Because you’re…you’re a Demjin.”

            “And does that give me any less rights than you have? Just because I have wings and teeth and horns?”

            “I…I don’t know what to say. I mean…” He took off his cap and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what I can do to help.”

            “Bring me some water. Please. And food, also.”

            “I…” the boy hesitated for a few moments before the resolve in his eyes thickened and he set off toward the pub.

            Kaz waited in silence for him to return, salivating at the thought of eating something other than the meager leftovers that barely kept him alive. Only the trill of the insects served to keep him company, and his eyes slipped closed as he recalled how the insects had sounded nearly the same when he’d hunted that stupid bull.

            Why couldn’t he have killed something else? Why did it have to be that bull? Why had he been so greedy?

            “Will this do?”

            Kaz looked up and found the boy holding a glass of water in one hand and in the other a bowl of…Kaz didn’t even know what it was, but it seemed edible.

            “Thank you,” Kaz murmured. “Thank you.”

            “How am I supposed to get it to you?”

            “Open the cage.”

            More hesitation on the boy’s part. “I’m not supposed to do that. You could escape.”

            Kaz laughed bitterly, shaking his head. “That’s a wonderful thought, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m tired and thirsty and hungry and weighed down by chains; I wouldn’t even make it two feet before they caught me.”

            Reassured by Kaz’s logic, the boy unhooked the fasteners that kept the cage door closed, and the Demjin let out a soft sigh as he stretched his legs for the first time since he’d gone to the bathroom this morning.

            “Sit on the edge of the cart,” the boy ordered, clearly nervous now that there weren’t bars separating the two of them.

            Kaz considered disobeying, just to show this boy that he had the ability to resist, but then that would just prompt the boy to call his much burlier comrades from the pub and have him shoved back into the cage again. And to top it all off, he wouldn’t get to eat or drink, either.

            “Very well,” Kaz conceded, plopping down at the edge of the cart on the one side that wasn't closed in, his feet dangling over the edge. “You need to take off the muzzle first.”

            “R-really?” the boy stammered. “You sure?”

            “Well, I can’t exactly eat with it on.”

            The boy ground his teeth together, setting the food and water beside Kaz and shifting his weight from foot to foot, his hands clenching and unclenching as an internal battle raged behind his eyes. Finally, he reached up and, with trembling hands, unbuckled the muzzle and set it down. Kaz worked his jaw, rubbing at it before grinning, ecstatic that the thing was finally off.

            The boy froze and Kaz cursed himself; his smile probably was showing his fangs.

            He held out his hands, his chains rattling as he did so, and the boy swallowed before placing the plate and the cup of water into his hands.

            As soon as his fingers closed over it, Kaz downed the cup in one swig, almost choking himself as the cool, refreshing water streamed down his throat and soothed his desert of a mouth. Next came the odd concoction that was sloshing around in the bowl. It vaguely resembled the soups that Mrs. Ghafa had often made for him and the family, but this time it was thick, almost like mud, and was the color of clay. Kaz was so hungry that it didn’t matter; he wolfed it down, taking the bowl in both hands and putting it to his lips like it was a cup, since the boy hadn’t given him a spoon to eat it with.

            The cup and the bowl were polished by the time he was done with it, and he wiped off his face, feeling bits of the odd mixture clinging to the corners of his mouth.

            “Thank you,” he murmured. “Thank you so much.”

            “You’re welcome,” the boy responded curtly. “Now you have to go back into the cage. They’ll be out any minute.”

            Kaz looked back at the cage, his heart sinking. He didn’t think he could spend another twelve hours cooped up in there, but as he looked back at the boy, whose eyes were wide with fear and anxiety that Kaz would refuse and fight back, he sighed. He was too tired, too weak to resist. Wearily, he obeyed, wriggling feet-first back into the confined space and not taking his eyes off of the boy as he latched the case closed.

            As soon as they were back on the road, Kaz fell into a fitful sleep

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            By the time they reached their destination, Kaz had just about had enough. He was hungry, thirsty, and angry, a combination of things that wouldn’t fare well for his captors, and he thrashed and struggled as his cage was unloaded from the back of the carriage. He knew that he couldn’t escape, but all of his jostling around made it incredibly difficult for the men to carry his cage, which was a triumph in his opinion.

            He peered through the bars and around the men that had taken a hold of the cage on all sides, finding that, to his shock, they weren’t on their way to another circus but rather a gigantic structure that could barely be considered a mansion. No, this was just short of a palace, and Kaz buried his shock so that his captures couldn’t take advantage of it.

            “Easy, easy, we don’t wanna drop him,” a grizzled man grunted as Kaz’s cage teetered precariously to the side, and the Demjin let out a growl of complaint, fidgeting restlessly as the men carried him up a flight of pristine marble steps. “Van Eck won’t be happy if we bring him in injured.”

            Van Eck?

            Kaz’s heart leapt into his throat and got lodged there, suffocating him. He was going to see Van Eck? The ruthless puppeteer behind all of this madness? Suddenly he didn’t feel all that defiant, and his irritation and fury melted into fear.

            Would Van Eck kill him for escaping? Would he saw off his horns and wings to hang them above the fireplace? Would he wear his teeth as a necklace and sell his eyes and fingers and bones as talismans against evil?

            He curled up tightly, struggling to control his breathing as his captors set the cage down and slammed the brass knocker against the door. Once. Twice. Three times.

            Kaz swallowed as the brass lion that held the knocker in its teeth snarled at him, its blank eyes boring into the Demjin as if it wanted him to melt into a puddle right there and then. He nearly jumped out of his own skin when the door creaked open and a woman answered it, seeming curious but not surprised about the cargo that the men had brought.

            After a few hushed words, the men picked his cage back up and carried him inside, where he was greeted by the most extravagant building he’d seen since he’d lived at Nikolai’s palace. Gigantic marble columns supported an arching ceiling, and tapestries that depicted beautiful landscapes were draped along the walls.

            Their footsteps echoed when they walked, and Kaz would’ve been impressed had he not been so terrified.

            How could someone who wasn’t a king possess such a fortune? How was that even possible?

            “Master Jan Van Eck is in the main parlor,” the woman informed them before hustling off, no doubt to gossip to her friends about the encounter.

            “Main parlor?” one of the men huffed as they took off in the direction the woman had pointed them to, “As in, there’s more than one?”

            “What a rich scoundrel,” another snorted.

            “Quiet. All of you,” the grizzled man from earlier barked, “We can’t smear a man’s name in his own home. All we gotta do is drop this thing off and then leave a few thousand kruge richer.”

            There was a collective murmur of agreement, and Kaz tensed all over as they turned a corner to come face to face with a hall that was just as large. Had one of the doors not been ajar, Kaz was pretty sure that they would’ve gotten lost, and his heart pounded against his ribcage like a drum as his cage was carried through the doorway, to the point where his chest throbbed. 

            “Ah, here they are,” a sleek voice announced, and Kaz’s blood turned to ice. “Bring it in.”

            Kaz was too paralyzed by fear to complain as the cage was roughly manhandled before being set on the ground, and he stared up at the high-backed chair that he’d been placed in front of. Or, more importantly, the man that was sitting in that chair.

            “So you’re the one who’s been causing so much trouble.” Van Eck’s icy blue eyes bore into him. The only other time Kaz had seen blue eyes was when Matthias had been alive, and the two certainly didn’t compare; Van Eck’s eyes were icier. Colder. And they certainly didn’t harbor good intentions toward Kaz in any form.

            “The money, sir?”

            “Patience,” Van Eck warned, his voice reminding Kaz of the thundering river that he and Jesper had once happened upon when they were younger.

            Its dull roar had encaptivated the two young Demjin, the current tumultuous and quick, but they knew that despite its beauty there was danger there. There was the chance that they could get swept away and carried downriver, and they’d hit their head on a rock and drown if they didn’t freeze to death first.

            Van Eck rose to his feet, and Kaz had to crane his neck to see his face as he loomed over the cage like a suit-clad giant. He circled the cage once, twice, and since Kaz didn’t have enough room to turn to watch him, so there were moments when Van Eck slipped out of sight. The Demjin could feel his gaze on him, though, and it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight up.

            It was kind of like being stalked by a mountain lion in a way; even though he couldn’t see it, he knew it was there. Its presence loomed nearby like a shadow, and every single cell in his body was screaming for him to run. Perhaps in the Sikurzoi he would’ve been able to do so, but right now, trapped here with Van Eck, he couldn’t afford such a luxury.

            “He’s unharmed?” Van Eck rumbled as he lowered himself back into his seat.

            “A little thirsty and hungry since we were having trouble subduing him, but otherwise he’s fine,” the grizzled man, who was most likely the leader of the group, explained.

            “Excellent.” He gave a dismissive wave. “Go. Leave my sight. My butler will pay you all in full.”

            “Thank you, Mr. Van Eck,” the grizzled man replied, bowing before he and his men filed out. The young one, the one that had fed Kaz during the stopover, was the only one who looked back before the doors swung closed behind them.

            Van Eck’s gaze slid from Kaz to a point behind him. “Let’s begin.”

            Footsteps came from behind him, and Kaz was startled and terrified at how he hadn’t known that there was more people in the room, and Kaz thought he might vomit when the familiar robes of a Grisha Heartrender came into view, the person striding over to stand on Van Eck’s left side.

            The blood red and black trim would forever be imprinted into Kaz’s mind since the circus, and he knew all too well that this Grisha wouldn’t be as kind or merciful as Zoya or Tamar or Tolya.

            The Grisha crouched down, his golden eyes glittering maliciously. “This shouldn’t take long,” he assured, but there was no comfort in the words.

            “What are you going to do to me?” he rasped, shifting restlessly as if his body was inadvertently searching for escape.

            The Grisha’s eyebrows show straight up. “It can speak.”

            “Indeed,” Van Eck replied tersely, his eyes flashing as he glared at Kaz, and the Demjin shrank into himself. “Are you going to go through with it or not?”

            “Yes, of course.”

            And all of a sudden Kaz couldn’t move, his muscles locking up as if he’d leapt right into that raging river from his childhood. He tried to scream but his voice wouldn’t work, his throat constricting as if trying to force the sound out but to no prevail.

            “This is a prototype,” the Heartrender explained as he went around the side of the cage to crouch by Kaz’s right, and the Demjin’s eyes widened when he produced a small metal disc from his pocket. “So there might be some issues, but the best Fabrikators in Ravka pooled their efforts…”

            “Yes, I know what it is,” Van Eck snapped, his hands clasped behind his back and his posture rigid. “Just put it on him.”

            It was like an invisible hand was pushing him toward the bars, and never before had he felt so helpless as he pressed his neck against the side of the cage without permission from his brain. He shivered when the metal disc was pressed against the side of his neck, his skin jumping like it had beetles crawling beneath it, and it was the only sign that his efforts to fight back were even showing up.

            He drew breath to yelp, but the sound was smothered in his throat as a sharp pain erupted on the skin beneath and around the disc, and he felt blood seeping down his neck and pooling into the collar of his shirt, though he could do nothing to stop it. It didn’t hurt all that much besides the initial pain, but the area was throbbing relentlessly, an ache that was driving Kaz almost as mad as the kink in his back.

            “There, it’s done,” the Heartrender murmured, closing the wounds with his evil magic and rising to his feet, and Kaz let out a ragged gasp as he was freed from the icy hold that the Grisha had been keeping him in. Panicked, Kaz clamped his hand over his neck and was shocked to feel metal beneath his palm, and when he tried to remove it all he received for his trouble was more stabbing pain.

            The Heartrender handed Van Eck a remote and whispered with him, showing him how to handle and use it, and Kaz would’ve listened in had his concentration not been zeroed in on how absolutely wretched he felt. He was hungry, thirsty, and absolutely exhausted, and his whole body was suffering from cramps and aches and pains from being crammed inside this awful cage for so long. Now, on top of that, there was something attached to him that he couldn’t get off, and he had to blink tears back to keep himself from breaking down.

            The Heartrender was sent off with the same promises of being paid by the butler, and Kaz was too tired to feel any more fear as Van Eck loomed over him.

            “Listen here, Demjin,” he growled, leaning down until their gazes locked. “You’re going to do what I say, when I say it. Got it? I’m the alpha now.”

            He clicked a button on the remote.

            Kaz screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE! Sorry about the mega long time it took to update, school’s been a bitch lately and I’ve been having writer’s block, but now I’m back up and running! Don’t forget to leave a comment and check out the art in the previous chapters!
> 
> Also, get ready for a new addition to my Creature AU series that includes even more demon! Kaz. (But this time he's an actual demon and now a Demjin)


	12. Love is Not a Victory March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Abuse, violence, death of an animal, slurs

_“We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry.”_

_−John Webster_

\----Ӝ----

 

**XII.**

**LOVE IS NOT A VICTORY MARCH  
**

_Chapter Soundtrack: "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Kaz thought he’d seen the full extent of man’s capacity to hate.

            Pekka and Oomen were both brutal examples, people who’d taught him to fear man and the terrible things he could do, and yet their hatred was nothing compared to the hatred of Jan Van Eck. Granted, the brunt of it wasn't directed at Kaz, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t witness it.

            The man was a monster, a mountain lion not unlike the one that had killed Kaz’s mother, and he tore into everyone just as savagely as the beast in the wild would. He threatened his employees with wage cuts and even physical harm when they made even the smallest of mistakes, talking down to anyone who he didn’t think was worthy of his attention or his time, and had on a multitude of occasions sent even the hardiest of people retreating with their tails tucked between their legs, Kaz included.

            The worst hatred of all, though, was directed at his son.

            Wylan was about Kaz’s age, redhaired and freckle-faced. Soft. Unfit for survival in the wild. He played the flute and was incredible with numbers and equations, could even sketch or paint a fine portrait if he sat down and put some effort into it, but that wasn’t enough to satisfy his father. Van Eck ripped into his son with words that were sharper than any tooth or claw, shouted at him until Wylan’s head was bowed and his face was streaked with tears.

            This was foreign to Kaz. Sure, his kind sometimes abandoned their offspring and− in the case of some tribes that were desperate enough− ate them when times were tough, but that was usually with infants. Demjin didn’t allow children to survive only to treat them like trash; if they weren’t wanted, they weren’t kept, and the ones that _were_ wanted were treated like gold. Kaz didn’t understand why Van Eck would keep a son that he didn’t desire to raise.

            Then again, from what the Demjin could glean it was frowned upon in human society to abandon or eat offspring. Perhaps that was why there were so many of them.

            Van Eck’s immeasurable hatred for everyone and everything except the coins jingling in his pockets, had overwhelmed Kaz in the beginning, and rightfully so. The hatred frightened him so much that, as soon as Van Eck had let him out of his cage on the first day, he was streaking across the room and smashing through the window, taking off as fast as his wings could carry him.

            He had to get away from that terrible place, that awful house where Van Eck’s animosity festered in the walls and weighed down the house like a fog. However, despite his best efforts, Kaz hadn’t gotten far; he’d barely made it out of the property before the thing on his neck shocked him. He’d fallen to the earth, bruising himself terribly from the two-story fall, and writhed in agony on the ground until some of Van Eck’s lackeys found him and returned him to the house.

            He was a prisoner once more, a slave to the device that was welded into his flesh like a parasite. It reminded him an awful lot of when, in the playful days of summer, the females of the tribe would sit him, Jesper, and the rest of the cubs down in the middle of a circle and would methodically pluck the ticks and fleas from their skin and clothes.

            Whenever Kaz did something that Van Eck didn’t like, he received a shock that varied in intensity depending on what he’d done. Sometimes, it was no more than an annoyance, but others left him dazed and discombobulated, his whole body jolting with the force of it. He became the Van Eck’s pet in a way, confined to the house and paraded around during parties so that guests could point and gawk at him like the spectators in the circus had done.

            This place was much duller than the circus, though, and even the parties were filled with nervous energy as aristocrats paraded around their extravagant garbs and prayed to their god that they wouldn’t have the misfortune of upsetting Van Eck.

            “My, my, aren’t you a handsome thing?” one woman fawned, reaching out to touch Kaz’s horns.

            After casting a side glance over at Van Eck, who was very much encumbered with some ambassadors from Noyvi Zem, Kaz turned and grinned at her, showing off his sharp teeth. When she only let out a giggle and neither she nor her husband seemed to get the hint, Kaz’s smile quickly morphed into an ugly scowl.

            His lips curled, and the woman recoiled quickly, the two of them bustling off into the crowd to get as far away as possible.

            Kaz liked it that way, and continued to use the reverse smile tactic on anyone who used Kaz’s difference in species as an excuse to not obey the rules of personal space.

            Okay, so the parties were a _little_ fun, since he got to scare rich humans, but at the same time they were still mind-numbingly boring, leaving him standing around in an uncomfortable suit with nobody but the stupid humans to keep him company.

            If parties were dull, then the rest of the time was _majorly_ dull. All of the things Kaz liked to do were forbidden, and he’d rather chew his left hand off then taking Van Eck’s passive-aggressive hints that he should try to humanize himself.

            “Why don’t you read a book?” Van Eck suggested through clenched teeth when he caught Kaz wandering aimlessly through 1the halls for the fifth time that day.

            “Your petty human stories can never trump the ones that my tribe use to tell around the fire. They won’t satisfy me.”

            He’d received a shock for that, but he was too smug about the appalled look on Van Eck’s face to care.

            Since he could do nothing else, Kaz became a watcher, a phantom that merely observed and nothing more, and the amount of information he gained simply by watching others for an extended period of time was surprising to say the least.

            He lingered in the shadows and at the thresholds of doorways− listening, studying. Trying to figure out how he could escape the clutches of this awful thing on his neck.

            He learned that the youngest maid was sixteen and had three children with a father that never came home from work, and that the butler’s entire family was slaughtered by the Queen Lady’s plague back in Ketterdam. He learned that Van Eck was one of the richest merchers in all of the world who’d moved from Kerch to start business in Ravka, and that most of the Ravkan population despised him and his lucrative sentiments as he bought up all of their farms and businesses.

            Like Nikolai’s palace, this place was a façade, a thin veil of wealth and grandeur to hide the darkness that festered beneath, and once Kaz peeled away that layer to stare the darkness in the face, he found that there were many secrets layered on top of one another, secrets that he was determined to uncover.

            “Read the fucking page!”

            Kaz was curled up in bed, which wasn’t actually a bed but rather a heap of burlap sacks that was tucked away in the cellar, when his ears picked up Van Eck’s yelling. He was on his feet and out of the cellar in moments, flitting from one room to another as he followed the sound of argument.

            It didn’t take long for him to come across Van Eck and his son, who was hunched over the table and staring down at an open book in front of him, his fingers buried in his hair and his face red with frustration. Crouching down to make sure he wasn’t easily seen, Kaz peered around the corner and watched.

            “I can’t believe, out of all the merchers in Kerch, I’m the one who wound up with a _retarded son!_ ”

            Kaz flinched almost as much as Wylan did, though, unlike Wylan, Kaz’s fear lasted only for a moment before it was eclipsed by anger, and he bared his teeth to Van Eck’s back, his lips peeling back to reveal razor-sharp fangs.

            “Father, I can’t−”

            “Yes, you can! There are a million other kids your age who can read like normal people, so you can, too!” He slammed his fist down onto the table and jabbed a finger at the words on the page. “Read it! Tell me what that says!”

            Wylan fumbled with the words, tripping over his own tongue as if he were reading a foreign language, and even though sweat was dribbling down his temple from the concentration, Van Eck refused to cut him any slack.

            “No! That’s wrong! Read the entire page again!”

            Wylan buried his face into his hands to wipe away the tears of frustration that were trickling down his face, and Kaz’s blood boiled at the sight, his hatred for Van Eck only sharpening as he wondered why the man would raise a child that he so deeply despised.

            After about another half hour of Wylan desperately struggling to please his father, Van Eck seemed to have had enough.

            In a voice that was deathly calm, he growled, “You will not leave this room until you finish this story. I want a full report on it and I’ll give you a quiz. I don’t care if you piss your fucking pants or miss dinner or have to stay awake all damn night. I’m going to make you normal if it’s the last thing I do.”

            He stormed out of the room, and after the sound of his pounding footsteps faded down the hall, Wylan slumped, burying his face in his arms as he let out a ragged sob. Unable to remain a bystander any longer, Kaz slipped into the room to stand in front of Wylan, where the boy’s father had stood not moments ago.

            The mercher’s son cried for a few minutes longer before sparing a glance up and nearly tumbling out of his seat.

            “What the fuck?!” he shrilled, and Kaz flinched.

            “Sorry for sneaking up on you,” he apologized. “I keep forgetting that I have a silent approach.”

            “Get the fuck out of here!” Wylan snapped, shoving at Kaz weakly. “I don’t need a monster like you hovering over me when I have work to do! Just go and kill some mice or chase your tail around somewhere else.”

            “That’s hurtful,” Kaz pointed out. “I assumed that since your father mistreats you, you wouldn’t want to make anyone feel the same way that he makes you feel. Also, as you can see, I do not have a tail.”

            Wylan scowled, looking away sharply as his hands balled into fists on either side of the open book. Upon further inspection, Kaz realized that it was Wylan’s native Kerch and not Ravkan, and Kaz was glad that it wasn’t Fjerdan or Shu or Zemeni, since Kaz had absolutely no clue how to read any of them.

            “Please leave,” Wylan growled, though his voice had lost its razor-sharp edge, replaced by a weariness that sounded bone-deep.

            “I will if you want, but I was going to offer my help.”

            Wylan’s eyebrows shot straight up, and Kaz tilted his head.

            “You…you want to help me?” Wylan asked. 

            “Why wouldn’t I?” Kaz prompted, his wings shifting restlessly behind his back. “I’m not as beastly as you might think.”

            “You can read?”

            “Two languages. Kerch and Ravkan. Why would I offer my services if I didn’t know how to read?”

            “I don’t know. But thank you…and sorry about what I said before.”

            “I’ve heard worse,” Kaz assured, gesturing for Wylan to get up, and the mercher’s son did so hesitantly. “What book is this?”

            “It’s a children’s book. A retelling of a supposedly classic tale so that it’s easier and more appropriate for kids to read, though I can’t understand a word of it.”

            Kaz flipped back to the first page and started reading, his eyes skimming the lines of big, blocky print that were meant to be easily read by youngsters, though there were no pictures. It was a long story and at times Kaz had difficulty reading it, considering he was severely out of practice, but eventually he finished.

            “It’s about a toymaker whose toys come to life−”

            “Wait a minute, so you’re telling me that my father gave me ‘The Soldier Prince’ to read? The fucking Soldier Prince?!”

            Kaz’s brows furrowed. “You know this story? You said you couldn’t understand a word of it.”

            “Every kid from Kerch knows this story!” Wylan bellowed. “My mother used to tell it to me every night! I know it inside and out! My dad did this on purpose, made me read a story I already know just to make me feel like a fucking imbecile.”

            “That’s unfortunate,” Kaz murmured, ignoring Wylan’s scathing glare. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you’re an imbecile.”

            “Well, you don’t know any better.”

            Kaz huffed at that, his eyes narrowing. “Why are you constantly assuming that I don’t know anything? I am way more wizened than you are, that’s for sure.”

            “Oh, please, we’re about the same age and I’ve had lessons on math, social studies, and science. I’m sorry, but you’re…you’re not educated.”

            Kaz growled, a low sound rumbling deep in his chest, and Wylan stiffened.

            “Those lessons will do nothing for you,” he snarled. “You humans are soft, too busy trying to learn about the existential things instead of what you really need. Reading is fruitless, unneeded in the grand scheme of things. You don’t need to know about the past or about how to do stupid things with made-up numbers.”

            “But−”

            “Let me speak,” Kaz warned. “You humans are so used to being in your little societies that you’ve lost the ability to live out there. In the wild. Without other people making and distributing your food and goods, you are nothing.”

            Kaz leaned in, his eyes blazing, “I know these things. _My people_ know these things. You look down on me and think of me as dull when I know more than you ever could.”

            His wings arched high above his head, casting a shadow over Wylan as he rose to his feet. “I know how to pick out the weakest animal in the herd and bring it down using nothing but tooth and claw, and how to skin it and make its hide into clothing. I know how to suck water from the roots of plants during the dry season and to catch fish through the ice when the rivers freeze over. I am the producer and the consumer. I am self-sufficient. Can you say that for yourself, Wylan Van Eck?”

            Wylan swallowed and shook his head.

            “Then we’re even. I know how to survive and how to read, you know…all of the other things.”

            After that, the two of them were practically inseparable.

            The staff whispered about them and whispered often, their murmuring echoing through the halls as Kaz romped after Wylan and Wylan followed closely on Kaz’s heels during their travels around the Van Eck mansion.

            “The beast is tamer somehow when he’s around Master Wylan. Do you think he’s mellowed out?”

             “You know…how that boy is. What if their relationship isn’t strictly platonic?”

            “What will Van Eck do now that two of the people who hate him most in the house have allied?”

            Kaz and Wylan ignored them, preferring to avoid everyone altogether as they retreated to the music room, Wylan’s main haunt within the mansion, to spend most of their time. It was a nice room that reflected the baroque style, with white walls, gold filigree, and a painted sky full of angels high above them. Kaz particularly enjoyed the gigantic arched windows that were lined up along the eastern wall, giving a perfect view of the harbor in the distance.

            “Hold still,” Wylan urged as Kaz sunned himself in the golden squares of light the windows cast onto the floor, his pencil flying as he spared glances up at Kaz and then back down to the sketchbook.

            “I hadn’t planned on going anywhere. I’m quite content right now,” Kaz replied, not opening his eyes and reveling in the feeling of the warm sun on his skin.

            Wylan laughed, and they lapsed into silence, the gulls crying outside and Wylan’s pencil scratching away at paper the only sounds filling the room.

            That was how they usually spent their days, with Kaz lying around like a bum and listening to Wylan sketching him or playing the flute. At this rate, he was going to get fat, and he made sure to watch what he was eating so that wasn’t the case; he needed to be in peak physical condition if he was going to get out of here.

            However, despite the fact that most of the things about Van Eck mansion were awful, he had to admit that he’d grown fond of the redheaded merchling, and with fondness came an overwhelming need to protect him. It was odd, since he’d never felt this way with any other humans, not even with Inej or Matthias. Perhaps it was because Wylan wasn’t as capable as Kaz’s other human friends were; he wasn't fast and agile like Inej or strong like Matthias. In fact, when Kaz thought about it, if plopped into the Sikurzoi at that very moment, Wylan would perish within the first hour.

            Even a Demjin cub could survive better than Wylan, and when it came down to it, that’s what Wylan was: a cub. Once Kaz reached this conclusion and realized that− unlike hopeless human merchlings− cubs could grow up to become fierce Demjin, Kaz started treating Wylan as such. He couldn’t teach a merchling, but he _could_ teach a cub.

            “Shouldn’t you be asleep in your own room?” Wylan pointed out groggily as he peered at Kaz, who was curled up at the foot of his bed, and he flinched when Kaz turned to look at him. “Whoa. Your eyes are…reflective.”

            “Pardon?”

            “Your eyes. They’re like a cat’s. They reflect light and glow in the dark.”

            “It’s probably because Demjin can see better in the dark than humans can. Now sleep. I’ll watch over you.”

            “That's a little creepy, but okay.”

            A few weeks later, Van Eck had a tracking device installed within the metal thing in Kaz’s neck, which− even though it was uncomfortable− ultimately allowed Kaz to go outside, since Van Eck and his guards knew his location at every given time. This was great, since Kaz had started going a little stir crazy from being cooped up in the house for so long, and to his delight the Van Eck property was almost as big as Nikolai’s palace grounds.

            He flew laps around it, relishing the open air, and only once tried to escape before he was zapped and brought back.

            With nothing better to do, Kaz dragged Wylan outside and into the rolling fields.

            “Me and the outside don’t really mix, Kaz,” the merchling grumbled, holding up his hand to shield his eyes from the light of the sun. “Can’t we go back to the music room?”

            “No,” Kaz insisted, turning his gaze over to the dense cluster of woodland on the northeastern side of the property. It wasn’t much of a forest, more like a group of trees clustered together to give the illusion of a forest, but it would have to do. “You’re weak. And helpless.”

            “Wow, thanks.”

            “I can’t do anything about you being weak physically, but I can make you a little less helpless, and helplessness is weakness, after all.”

            Kaz couldn’t help but feel excited about teaching Wylan the ins and outs of survival. He’d always wanted to teach a cub how to do these things, show them how to live and how to take care of themselves, but without a tribe of his own he hadn’t gotten the chance to do so.

            He’d have to modify the lessons he learned from Jordie and Petra, considering Wylan’s…humanness…but it was manageable.

            “Are you sure we can’t go back inside?” Wylan complained as the two of them stood across from one another in a clearing, trees surrounding them on all sides.

            The clashing of various birdsongs rattled through the trees, whose branches swayed in the gentle wind that was blowing. The sun pierced through the thick foliage above them and cast intricate patterns and shapes over the earth and grass underfoot, and for the first time since he arrived at Van Eck’s mansion, Kaz felt truly at home.

            “This will be good for you,” Kaz grunted, tossing his head. “Your skin needs sun; you look like a sickly cub about to die from fever.”

            Wylan’s brows knitted.

            “Okay, so the first lesson you must learn is how to make yourself a shelter…”

            Kaz taught Wylan how to line sticks up against a tree and cover it with branches and leaves, which made a small hut that could shield him from rain or snow and give him a place to sleep that was better than out in the open.

            “Did you used to sleep in one of these?” Wylan asked eagerly, beaming as he regarded his handiwork. It was a subpar shelter if Kaz ever saw one, but it would suffice for now. “Did you escape to one of these at night when you were traveling?”

            “Absolutely not,” Kaz scoffed, his wings flaring indignantly. “Demjin usually sleep in trees or dig burrows when caves aren’t available, but you don’t have wings or claws. These huts are for pregnant women who can’t get themselves off the ground and are too big to fit in burrows.”

            The smile slipped from Wylan’s face, and Kaz broke out laughing.

            The next few weeks were spent teaching Wylan the ins and outs of being a Demjin while also trying to cater to Wylan’s desire to stay inside at all costs. He was usually unsuccessful, but the times when he did manage to drag Wylan out of the house were some of the best times that Kaz has ever had.

            He taught Wylan how to tell which plants are good to eat and which ones aren’t by the way they look and smell, how to make a fire using nothing but sticks and twine, and how to escape predators.

            “You’d be dead,” Kaz warned as he crouched on top of the fallen tree, looking down at Wylan, who’d taken refuge beneath it. “You’re supposed to hide downwind of them. Your scent was being blown right to me.”

            “This was the only place that met all of the requirements!” Wylan insisted, rising to his feet and dusting himself off.

            “No, it wasn’t. You were just thinking like a human,” Kaz replied. “Granted, mountain lions and bears don’t care about whether you think like a human or a Demjin as long as they’re getting lunch.”

            Wylan swallowed hard and didn’t reply.

            The next and perhaps the most important thing was teaching Wylan how to get food, real food that was available year-round, not just plants that only could be found during the summer months. Kaz taught Wylan how to set traps, make spears out of sticks and sharpened stones, keep his tread quiet, listen for approaching potential prey, and the like.

            However, Wylan outright refused to actually hunt and made Kaz release animals from their traps. This, unsurprisingly, made Kaz very upset.

            “How are you supposed to survive when you don’t hunt?” Kaz demanded as he watched a rabbit scamper away into the underbrush, licking his chops as he imagined the taste of its blood exploding into his mouth as he took a bite from it. “How are you supposed to eat?”

            “Um…go to the kitchen and ask the cook for some food?”

            Kaz growled and tossed his spear to the floor, launching into the sky and leaving Wylan to return to the house alone.

            They didn’t talk for the rest of the day, Kaz staying outside as much as possible and avoiding Wylan when Jan Van Eck forced the Demjin to return to the house. However, the more he avoided Wylan, the more Kaz felt guilty about it; Wylan didn’t know any better, hadn’t grown up with Kaz’s way of life. He probably thought it to be odd and barbaric, just like how Kaz thought this life to be the same, and the Demjin couldn’t force his customs on Wylan and expect him to obey them after he’d spent his entire life pampered in the human world.

            “Thanks for avoiding me the entire day just because I wouldn’t kill something,” Wylan grouched from beneath the covers as Kaz padded into the room late at night.

            “I know. And I’m sorry.” His voice was muffled as he leapt up onto Wylan’s bed and crawled over, and the human shot straight up as Kaz hovered above him.

            “Kaz, humans don’t really do this−”

            “I have brought you an apology gift.”

            And with that, Kaz released the bundle of fur from his jaws so that it plopped into Wylan’s lap.

            “What the…? What is this?”

            Wylan leaned over and lit a candle, holding it up to Kaz’s gift so he could see it better.

            “Do you like it?” Kaz asked. “I’ve come to terms with the fact that you won’t hunt for yourself, so I’ve decided that I’ll hunt for you.”

            Wylan screamed when he regarded the dead rabbit in his lap, its neck mangled from Kaz’s jaws, and thrashed his legs to launch it across the room. Kaz was glad that no guards came around these parts, probably because it was Van Eck’s dream for his son to get killed by a robber or something like that, because otherwise they’d be in here in no time.

            “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

            Kaz’s brows knit. “Is it not customary for humans to give each other food as a gift of goodwill and apology?”

            Wylan’s shocked and appalled expression only lasted for a few moments before he burst out laughing, doubling over.

            “I don’t see why this is so funny to you. If you don’t like it you can just say so.”

 

\----Ӝ----

           

            It was a Thursday evening when it happened.

            Kaz and Wylan’s time together wasn’t always merry, especially with Van Eck forcing his son to do reading sessions with him every evening, and often Kaz had to serve as a bystander, offering silent support as Wylan’s father screamed himself hoarse in an attempt to get his son to read.

            “You get it right after hard work and practice!” Van Eck insisted. “You always come back to me with a correct report. I know you can fucking do it, so do it!”

            Once he left in a fit of rage, Kaz would pad over to the edge of the table and wrap a wing around Wylan in attempt to comfort as he read the book to him so he could return to his father with the right story.

            That fateful Thursday evening, Kaz was curled up on the couch in the study, trying to ignore Van Eck as he yelled and cursed and spouted insults at Wylan, who was hunched over the table and clearly trying not to cry as his eyes strained to read the words.

            Van Eck’s venomous words were especially vicious that night, calling Wylan terrible names and threatening to smash the boy’s flute against the sidewalk if he couldn’t finish the page in the next ten minutes. Kaz’s jaw clenched as he struggled not to intervene, his muscles tense as he watched it all unfold, though at times he couldn’t even bear to look.

            “I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying!” Wylan insisted through tears, his hands fisting into his orange locks. “For fuck’s sake, I’m trying!”

            “No, you’re _not!_ ” Van Eck bellowed, his voice like rolling thunder, and Wylan looked up sharply over his shoulder, his face red but his eyes blazing like blue fire. The hairs on the back of Kaz’s neck stood straight up as he tensed at the sight. “Read it! _Read!_ Why the fuck can’t you do this simple thing?!”

            “I don’t know! Leave me alone, you bastard!” Wylan seemed to instantly regret the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, shrinking back as Van Eck’s eyes filled with a fury and hate that Kaz had never before seen a man direct at his son.

            He let out a sound like a bear charging for the kill, seizing his son by the shoulders and hauling him out of the seat.

            “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!” he roared, and Wylan tried to make himself seem smaller as Van Eck loomed over him.

            “I’m sorry,” he murmured meekly. “I’m sorry.”

            Before any of them could react, Van Eck’s fist slammed into Wylan’s face, the force of it knocking the boy to the floor, and when he looked up there was blood streaming from his nose, the sharp scent of it filling the air, and Kaz was on his feet in moments.

            “I’VE HAD ENOUGH! ENOUGH, I TELL YOU!”

            He kicked Wylan hard in the ribs, grinning as he yelped and clutched at his side.

            Wylan. His son. Kaz’s cub.

            He was beating Kaz’s cub.

            Van Eck raised his fist once more for another hit when Kaz let out a fierce roar and leapt between the two, landing in a crouch and putting himself between Wylan and his father.

            “Out of the way, Demjin,” Van Eck spat as Kaz raised his wings up defiantly and bared his teeth in a fierce snarl. “This has nothing to do with you.”

            “Get. Away. From him,” Kaz growled, his words echoing the menacing sound that was rumbling deep in his chest.

            He bent his head and advanced, warding Van Eck away with his spiraling horns and jagged claws.

            “I will shock you, Demjin,” Van Eck warned as more distance was put between him and Wylan. “I won’t hesitate.”

            “And even though I will be in agony, I will still defend him.”

            Van Eck was now at the threshold of the study, his eyes glued to Wylan, who was crumpled in a heap on the floor and still had blood trickling from his nose. He hesitated, his hand going to his pocket, where the remote to the thing on Kaz’s neck was, before giving Kaz a glare and walking off.            

            Kaz stood on guard, his ears pricked and his wings flared, until the man’s footsteps faded down the hallway. After the coast was clear, he flew to Wylan’s side, nuzzling his shoulder and urging him to sit up.

            “Are you alright?” Kaz murmured, as he helped Wylan onto the couch, and the boy shook his head numbly in response. “Do you need anything? Food? Water?”

            “I’m tired,” Wylan whispered, wiping at his eyes, and Kaz didn’t think the tears came solely from the pain of the blows.

            “Very well,” he conceded, stuffing the couch’s throw pillows under Wylan’s head and using the blanket that was draped over the back to cover him.

            “Kaz−”

            “Hush,” Kaz murmured, sitting on the floor and lying his head on the edge of the couch to stare Wylan straight in the eye.

            “We need to get out of here,” the boy muttered. “Out of this house. What if he comes back?”

            “I know we have to leave. But for now, be still. I will protect you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I haven't updated in two fucking months so I am so, so, SO sorry. I promise I have not abandoned this story. I've been having writer's block, been working on my novel manuscript, and I wanted to make this chapter extra special because of the long update, which is probably why it's twelve pages long.
> 
> Hope you all liked it, and please leave a comment and kudos! I will love you forever!!!!
> 
> (Also new and improved art coming soon. These ones are kind of shitty and I just took a digital art class so they're coming out so much better)


	13. Honey Don't Feed It, It Will Come Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Gore

_“The only way to deal with an unfree world_

_is to become so absolutely free_

_that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”_

_−Albert Camus_

\----Ӝ----

 

**XIII.**

**HONEY DON'T FEED IT, IT WILL COME BACK**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “It Will Come Back” by Hozier_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Every night since that fateful day, Wylan woke from nightmares.

            Kaz could sense when the merchling was having them; his eyelids twitched, his hands clenched and unclenched into loose fists, and his breathing grew sharp and ragged. Sometimes, he would mumble incoherent things under his breath, and it was often this mumbling that woke Kaz from his light slumber.

            The signs would escalate, Wylan’s eyes moving rapidly beneath his lids and his breaths sawing in and out of his lungs, until he let out a sharp cry and sat bolt upright in bed, frenzied and soaked in sweat.

            Kaz was by his side in an instant, nosing at him gently and making a low sound in his chest that was a mix between a growl and a purr. Males never made this noise in the wild− it was reserved for mothers to make to her cubs− but Kaz mimicked it the best he could, recalling how it had helped him calm down when he himself woke from nightmares. Despite the way it was butchered, the noise still reminded Kaz of the Sikurzoi, of curling up with the tribe and listening to the mothers hush their younglings with it, and his longing was like a spear in his heart.

            The Demjin would curl up next to Wylan until his panic eased and he could lie back down, and even when the human fell asleep, Kaz still remained awake, staring into the dark and imagining the body heat and soft breathing next to him being from another Demjin.

            He felt so alone.

            One early hour in the morning, after Wylan jolted awake once more to find Kaz at his side, the human murmured, “We have to get out of here.”

            It was the same words from before, the words that haunted Kaz whenever he caught a whiff of Van Eck’s scent nearby, though the man steered clear after the big encounter.

            “I have no doubt that _you_ can, but you’ll have to leave me behind in order for it to succeed,” Kaz replied simply. “Without a Fabrikator at our disposal to get this thing off of my neck, I’m not going anywhere.”

            “I can get a Fabrikator.”

            “Without your father knowing?”

            Wylan hesitated, worrying his lower lip between his teeth, before he nodded, his expression hardened with determination.

            “Very well,” Kaz grunted, dipping his dead. “How long do you think that’ll take?”

            “I don’t know. It depends on how often my father will let me out of the house, and whether he’ll grow suspicious about it.”

            Kaz grinned. “Who said your father needed to know anything about you leaving the house?”

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Every day, when Wylan and Kaz were supposed to be out in the forest, Kaz helped Wylan escape the Van Eck property. The patrols of guards were few and far between, and Kaz easily dug a hole beneath the fence for Wylan to wriggle under, though the Demjin couldn’t follow, lest he be discovered by Van Eck and get shocked.

            From noon until early evening, Wylan scoured the nearby village for a Fabrikator that could offer their assistance, but always returned empty-handed. It was a small village, and they were so close to Os Alta that most of the Grisha had settled there, not to mention that Wylan needed to make sure that no one ratted him out to his father.

            In the meantime, Kaz spent his days on the hunt, chasing after mice and rabbits until his ankles gave out beneath him and forced his body to rest. Often, his withered muscles and tendons proved to be a major obstacle during his escapades, and anxiety took root in his heart as he watched his prey disappear into its burrow.

            He’d been too slow to catch it, too crippled, and this worried him endlessly; how could he provide for himself when he returned to the Sikurzoi? At this rate, he would perish during migration and the winter months, when there was no big game to hunt on the wing. His return to his homeland was a faraway date at the moment, however, and that thought helped him concentrate on the present and how he was going to escape the Van Eck mansion.

            This included training Wylan how to defend himself, since the merchling was perhaps one of the most helpless youngsters that Kaz had ever seen, which was a feat, considering how he'd grown up with Jesper.

            “You have no horns or wings, so it’s highly unlikely that you’ll make a tribe; females will think you to be weak,” Kaz explained as he and Wylan stood across from each other in the clearing. “Therefore, you won’t need to worry about other males trying to steal your females, since you’ll have no females to be stolen.”

            “I don’t really care about the females,” Wylan pointed out sheepishly, tugging at the hem of his shirt. “They’re not my type.”

            Kaz quirked a brow before continuing, “Well, then you’ll need this to defend your territory from intruders or competitors who wish to take it from you.”

            “Territory?”

            “Your den and the land around it.”

            “Do you mean my house?”

            “Are you seriously going to waste time trying to and make me use human terms for this?” Kaz prompted, bristling, and Wylan shook his head, smothering his laughter with a cough that Kaz didn’t fail to notice.

            “Okay, so first off, your opponent will probably be much bigger and stronger than you ever will be, so you must rely on your speed…”

            Kaz taught Wylan how to defend himself and lash out at his opponent, as well as dodge any blows that had the potential to bruise and maim. It was difficult, considering how Wylan wasn’t as light on his feet as a Demjin, but the merchling wasn’t as hopeless as Kaz had previously thought; eventually, after hours upon hours of practice, Wylan could hold his own against Kaz for longer than a few moments.

            It was two months into their search when Wylan finally found a trustworthy Fabrikator, who’d been visiting the village to help rebuild a church that had collapsed from old age.

            “I told her I’d pay her handsomely for her services,” Wylan worried, pacing back and forth like a madman as Kaz stretched lazily in the grass. “But I just realized that I have no money to give her! How will I pay her without my dad noticing the money missing?”

            “Well, how much did you promise her?”

            “Five thousand kruge, which approximates to around six thousand five hundred in Ravkan currency.”

            Kaz ran a hand down his face, sitting up and shaking his head. “That’s…a lot of money.”

            “No shit. How are we going to do this?”

            Kaz pondered this for a moment before his eyes lit up. “Perhaps we can steal a few things from your house and give it to her. The relics in there could fetch for a pretty penny.”

            Wylan sighed and plopped down in the grass next to Kaz, his expression turning solemn. “I can’t. The cleaning staff will rat me out because they know they’ll lose their jobs if they don’t; they know where every single item in the house is supposed to be, especially the expensive ones, and they’ll notice if they go missing.”

            “Are you willing to sell off any items of your own?”

            “The only things worth anything mean too much to me,” Wylan murmured. “I mean, I have my mother’s ring, my flute…” He trailed off. “You’re right, I am helpless; I can’t even sell things for the wellbeing of my own friend.”

            “Don’t think of yourself that way,” Kaz demanded, baring his teeth. “I was wrong to call you that. You’re not helpless.”

            Wylan gave him a look.

            “Okay, maybe a little helpless, but not as much as you think.”

            “Yeah, but that’s beside the point; we still don’t have any way that we can possibly pay off this Fabrikator. She’s leaving in three days’ time, and if we don’t have a form of payment by then, we’re screwed. Without a Fabrikator, there’s no way that we can get out of here.”

            Kaz ground his teeth together, his hands clenching and unclenching into tight fists. For a while, the two of them sat silent, listening to the sound of the crickets waking from their slumber as the sun touched the horizon and the sky burned red and gold. A million ideas flitted around in his head, but all of them were eventually discarded.

            That is, until one of them stood out against all the rest, as plain as day. This option was suddenly the _only_ option, and the air seemed to get heavier, weighing down on Kaz’s shoulders like a heavy blanket.

            “Wylan, I know what I have to do.”

            The boy looked up, his eyes fearful of the grimness of Kaz’s tone. “What is it?”

            “I need a knife. A sharp one. Do you think you can get one for me?”

            Wylan looked like a million questions were balancing on the tip of his tongue, and though he opened his mouth to ask, he eventually decided against it, instead saying, “Yeah. Yeah…I think I can.”

 

\----Ӝ---

 

            The following night, Wylan brought the knife, a first aid kit, and a bag full of belongings into the woods with Kaz. The Demjin had watched him pack, and knew fully well that the only things he’d brought that were of any value were his mother’s wedding ring, his flute, and his sketching supplies. The rest of the items were merely clothes and nothing more, and it was better that way; the less things that he had to carry, the better.

            Kaz went deeper into the woods than they usually did, to the point where if they peered hard enough through the darkness, they could see the fence through the trees, cloaked in shadow.

            Kaz held out his hand for the knife, and Wylan, after a few moments’ hesitation, placed the handle into his palm. Kaz could tell that he was terrified, his heart fluttering and his breathing quick, but it was now or never. They had to get out of here.

            Trying his best to make sure his hands didn’t shake, he held the knife up, watching it glint in the moonlight. It was a cook’s knife, probably stolen from the kitchen; one knife of many whose absence wouldn’t be noted.

            “You don’t have to watch this part,” Kaz murmured.

            His heart slamming against his ribcage, he placed the edge of the knife against his neck, right beneath where the device had imbedded itself. Taking a deep breath, he dug in, blood leaping to the surface with the first press of the blade into his skin.

            Hissing at the sharp pain, Kaz kept going, carving up his own flesh like a tribe would carve up a fresh kill in an attempt to cleave the mechanism off of him. Clenching his jaw so hard that he feared he’d grind his teeth to dust, Kaz’s stomach sank as the knife hit the edge of the device. He had to carve deeper, and he gasped as he did so, tears springing to his eyes.

            He didn’t know when the chunk of flesh finally came free of his body, but he sure as hell did notice when a cloth soaked in antiseptic was pressed against the wound. Kaz shrieked, a sound so terrible that he feared it would wake up everyone in the Van Eck mansion as he jerked away from the agony, but Wylan was persistent.

            “Yes, I know it hurts, but you have to do this. It’ll get infected if we don’t do it otherwise.”

            Kaz sucked in breaths through clenched teeth as Wylan applied more antiseptic and eventually dressed the wound in bandages. He was delirious from blood loss, his entire right side soaked with crimson that had poured from the gash, and he blinked the black spots out of his eyes as Wylan cut the shirt from his body and slipped the spare one over his head; they’d known fully well how much of a mess this would make.

            “Stay with me, Kaz. Just stay with me.”

            Kaz tried to respond, but nothing but air left his lips as his eyes rolled back. The stars blinked at him, blurry.

            “Come on, Kaz, we have to go. Please, you have to get up. Our motel room in the village is ready; all we have to do is get there and then you can rest.”

            Kaz nodded numbly, unable to concentrate on anything else but the blinding pain as Wylan draped a blanket over him to act as a cloak with a hood; it covered up his horns and wings well enough, but now it was just a matter of making sure it stayed on.

            He’d be lying if he said that he remembered crawling under the fence and the trek to the village, or the walk to the hotel and the climb upstairs to the room. All that he remembered was taking two steps in and collapsing onto his bed, momentarily relishing in the feeling of a mattress beneath him before promptly going unconscious.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            “Kaz?” a hesitant voice and gentle prodding woke Kaz from his sleep. “You okay?”

            Kaz frowned, blinking blearily and shifting under the sheets as he tried to force himself into wakefulness, but his body was still so tired. Why wouldn’t he be okay? Had something happened?

            Recollections of last night burst through the floodgates of his mind as soon as he attempted to sit up, an agonizing pain shooting up his neck and into his skull like a bolt of lightning. 

            He gasped, clamping a hand over the bandages as if to staunch the pain like it were blood, but to no avail. However, the pain was nothing compared to the relief that came with knowing that they were out of the Van Eck mansion. That they were finally free.

            “We get kicked out of the room in ten minutes. Do you think you can stand?”

            Kaz shook his head grimly, clenching his teeth as black spots danced in front of his eyes. What was worse was that they had a long, long trip ahead of them, and Kaz couldn’t even stand up, much less trek hundreds of miles.

            But to where? Where would they go?

            Kaz certainly couldn’t take Wylan to the Sikurzoi, but he didn’t think that he could stay in the human world protecting him forever. Who would take Wylan under their wing when Kaz left to return to his family?

            A certain family came to mind, but Kaz hesitated. He didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

            “We have to go to the circus,” Kaz grunted as he forced himself into an upright position despite the agony it caused. “Do you think you could get in there without anyone noticing?”

            “The circus!” Wylan cried. “Why do you want to go back there?!”

            When Kaz didn’t reply, Wylan’s expression went sour. “It’s because of that Suli girl you were talking about, isn’t it? The one that you got yourself caught for last time?”

            “She’s not just a Suli girl,” Kaz snapped, his eyes narrowing as his wings flared out behind him. “Her name is Inej.”

            “Whatever her name is, I’m not going to risk blowing our cover just so you can say goodbye. It sounds terrible, I know, but that’s how you got into this mess in the first place! You have to learn from your mistakes!”

            “We have to go to the circus,” he repeated through clenched teeth.

            “No, we don’t.”

            “Yes, we do.”

            “No, Kaz, _we really don’t!_ ” Wylan had worked himself up into a fury, and he paced back and forth like a caged tiger. “What’s gotten into you?! You’re always so cautious, and now you want to do something like this?!”

            “It’s because I won’t be around forever!” Kaz bellowed back, and Wylan fell silent. “Once I get to the Sikurzoi, I’m going to have to leave you. You could never survive up there. Inej’s family, the Ghafas, they’ll take you in. They’ll make sure you’re okay.”

            “So you’re just going to dump me some random family and go?!” Wylan shrilled, and despite his anger there was also fear in his words. Fear of being left alone. “What about all that training? Those lessons? I assume you never meant for me to actually use them?!”

            Kaz bared is teeth at the ground before shaking his head. “No.”

            “I thought I knew you. Turns out you’re just like all the rest.” Wylan’s voice was cold.

            “So not wanting to watch you die right in front of me makes me ‘just like all the rest’?” was the scathing retort. “In the winter I can barely find enough food to feed myself. Starvation will be a common occurrence. There will be no indoors, no bathrooms, and no cooks to prepare your food for you. It’s a life that I don’t want you living.”

            Wylan worried at his bottom lip, looking away when Kaz tried to meet his gaze.

            “I can visit you during the migration season, if you’d like,” Kaz suggested, and Wylan’s head shot up sharply as he nodded. “But you have to promise me that you’ll stay with the Ghafas and let them take care of you. I don’t want to spend my days guilty and fearing for your safety.”

            After a moment’s hesitation, Wylan murmured, “I promise.”

            A slow grin spread across Kaz’s face, his shoulders sagging with relief. “Good. You’ll love the Ghafas, and the Ghafas will love you, too.”

            Wylan still looked troubled, though, and he was opening his mouth to say something else when a sharp knocking resounded from the door.

            “Time’s up!” the owner of the inn they were staying at rumbled from the other side. “Get out!”

            Throwing on his cloak as Wylan hefted the backpack of their things, Kaz allowed Wylan to lead him out of the room and down the stairs. He was fine as long as he didn’t agitate the wound, and travelers gave him odd looks as they stepped outside, no doubt wondering why he was standing like he had a board nailed to the back of his neck.

            “I can get into the circus fairly easily,” Wylan explained as the two of them traveled down the winding roads of the village. “You’ll have to stay behind, though; you’re too conspicuous, and they’ll expect you to be coming as soon as my dad figures out we’re not in the woods.”

            “What if you get hurt?” Kaz prompted, wringing his hands as his eyes darted around. He didn’t trust the cloak to keep people from noticing his extra appendages. “What if your father catches you?”

            “Well, unlike you, I can disguise myself fairly easily,” Wylan pointed out. “All I need is a wig, makeup, and costume and I’m set to go. It’s not like there are any fences around the property, either, so I can just sneak in.”

            “You’re sure?”

            “Positive.”

            The two walked in silence for a while after that, and pretty soon the small town bled into rural farmhouses and then into wilderness. It was a familiar path, lined with trees and winding around gigantic rocks and steep hills, and Kaz couldn’t help but think about Nikolai and his Grisha.

            What were they doing now that Kaz had been away for so long? Had they even tried to look for him, or had they simply given up? Did they know about his capture by Van Eck?

            The answers didn’t matter, though, and Kaz shook his head clear, grimacing at the agonizing pain it caused. This trip would be a slow one, what with Kaz wounded and Wylan unable to fly, but Kaz couldn’t find it in himself to care. The longer they traveled, the more time he could spend with Wylan before he went away.

            The thought was like a bucket of ice water getting poured down his spine, and he tried not to think about it as they continued on.

            And yet, as he looked over at Wylan while the merchling enthused about nature and about how he would love to stop and draw some of it, he wondered how he could possibly say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry for the long update! I've been so busy with school work, the play, show choir, and this thing that my school does called "Class night". Now class night is over, though, and the writer's block for this story has dissipated. To make it up to you, there will be new art posted very soon, a completer re-vamping of the art now. Please comment and leave a kudos if you liked it! You have no idea how much they motivate me to write more!


	14. All You Sinners Stand Up, Sing Hallelujah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Sickness, Graphic animal death

_“By the pricking of my thumbs/ Something wicked this way comes…”_

_−Shakespeare’s_ The Tragedy of Macbeth _(4. 1. 44-45)_

\----Ӝ----

 

**XIV.**

**ALL YOU SINNERS STAND UP, SING HALLELUJAH  
**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “This is Gospel” by Panic! At the Disco_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            “Wait, Wylan. I…I can’t breathe.”

            Wylan stopped dead in his tracks and hurried over to Kaz as the Demjin promptly sat down in the middle of the road, almost knocking over a fur trapper in the process.

            “You okay there?” the trapper grunted, hefting his rifle as he leaned down to get a better look at Kaz’s face under his hood. “Sir?”

            “I bet he’s just dehydrated!” Wylan insisted as he bustled over, and the trapper quickly withdrew. “Thanks for your concern, though.”

            Wylan offered Kaz some water and waited until the trapper was out of earshot before asking, “What’s the matter?”

            “I can’t breathe,” Kaz repeated, blinking hard as the world spun. “And my head…”

            Wylan pressed the back of his hand against Kaz’s forehead, his face falling as soon as their skin touched. “You’re burning up.”

            “I bet it’s nothing. I just need to sit for a little while.”

            “Are you sure?”

            “Yeah…yeah I’m sure.”

            In reality, Kaz was far from sure; they’d been traveling for a day and a half, and he'd felt all out of sorts ever since they’d left the hotel. Of course, he hadn’t told Wylan anything about it− the boy was worried enough− but now the symptoms were too prominent to ignore. It was probably just exhaustion or a small bug that he’d caught from one of the travelers, and he was determined to make sure that he didn’t slow them down.

            The two continued on, listening to the motley of birdcalls swarming in the foliage overhead and marveling at the ancient trees that flanked the path on either side. It was a quaint path, branching off of the main route and on occasion winding through towns and villages, and it would take them straight to the circus if they kept following it for long enough. Sometimes they’d pass other travelers or would have to move out of the way of a horse and cart, but for the most part it was just the two of them, and Kaz was infinitely grateful for that.

            They traveled for the better part of the afternoon, the canopy of leaves overhead shielding them from the worst of the midday sun, but Kaz was still getting roasted alive beneath his cloak. Sweat beaded on his forehead and dribbled down his temples and spine, and when he looked to Wylan the boy didn’t seem to be having as much difficulty as he was.

            “You’re breathing really hard,” he pointed out when he caught Kaz staring. “Do you want to take a break?”

            “No,” Kaz snapped, gritting his teeth against the agonizing burning of his wound. “We have to keep going. We’ll rest when night falls and I get us something to eat.”

            As the morning slipped away from them and turned the sky into the colors of a wildfire, Kaz felt flames licking beneath his skin, as if his body had turned into a furnace. His ankles wilted whenever he put weight on them, unable to support his weight after so much walking, and his feet felt like cinder blocks glued to his legs, weighing him down and making him trip with every step.

            It was a blessing when night finally did settle and he and Wylan ventured into the woods to set up camp for the night. Crickets trilled in the underbrush and fireflies flickered in and out of existence between the boughs of the trees, and had Kaz not felt so awful he would’ve relished in the peacefulness of it.

            “I’m going to get dinner,” he grunted before Wylan could confront him about his condition, slipping off into the shadows without another word.

            These woods were rich with game, different smells of all kinds of animals mingling together as Kaz scented the surroundings. He struggled to figure out which one he should pursue, and eventually set out on the trail of a rabbit that had recently passed by, stalking through the underbrush and keeping his head low.

            He couldn’t fly here, not with all of the trees in the way, and his heart rate picked up at the thought that he’d have to rely on his withering ankles to catch his prey. It was a possibility that he and Wylan would go hungry tonight, but he was determined for that not to be the case; Wylan was depending on him to bring back food, and Kaz knew that if he couldn’t catch anything now, there would be no way that he could find food for himself in the Sikurzoi.

            Kaz stalked the rabbit for a while, following the trail of footprints, droppings, and chewed-up underbrush that it had left behind. Eventually, it came into sight, and all of his muscles locked up as he peered through the bushes at a mother rabbit and her twelve kits, who were so young they were still almost hairless. His mouth immediately started watering, and he could do nothing as a thread of saliva dribbled from his chin like froth, too afraid of scaring off the rabbit to move.

            He noted the location of the kits for later, but despite their numbers they were very small, and all of them combined wouldn’t make as much of a meal as their quite plump mother, who nosed her way across the forest floor without so much as an indication that she knew that Kaz was there. Kaz waited, as still as a statue as she drew closer and closer, his wings quivering with anticipation as his lips peeled back to reveal his fangs.

            Kaz’s eyes stayed pinned onto the rabbit’s brown fur, tracking every twitch of her nose and flick of her tail, and eventually she moseyed into range, turning to check on her kits every so often.

            Kaz let out a whispering exhale and lunged.

            She was off like a bullet in no time, and Kaz gave chase, bounding across the forest floor in hot pursuit. She wove through underbrush and swerved around trees, but Kaz refused to give up as he leapt over rocks and shredded corners. He ran and ran and ran, his breath sawing in and out of his lugs and his eyes pinned to the rabbit’s tail.

            Closer. Closer.

            The rabbit dove beneath the roots of a tree and Kaz’s horns cracked into them, the Demjin letting out a frustrated roar as agony spiked up and down his neck. He gasped for air, clutching the bandage and noticing the awful stench of pus leaking from the wound, but despite this he reached between the roots to feel around for the rabbit, who was long gone.

            Disheartened, he trudged back to her burrow and waited for her to return, though the frustration of a failed hunt gave him very little patience for waiting around. In one fell swoop, he snatched up three of the kits for himself, blood exploding in his mouth as their bones crackled between his teeth. He took a rock and crushed the heads of the rest before gathering up the bodies into a pouch to bring back to Wylan.

            “You’ve got to be kidding me!” the human cried when he saw the litter of rabbits, turning green as Kaz started spearing the corpses through sticks. “Why would you do that?”

            When he received no response, he opened his mouth to continue his fussing, but shut his trap as soon as Kaz leveled him with a weary look.

            And to think that he’d wanted to live up in the Sikurzoi, yet he couldn’t stand the sight of a dead animal. Had he had the energy, Kaz would’ve lectured him about how fortunate he was to score such a meal, when during the winter months Kaz probably would’ve found nothing but a half-eaten deer corpse that they’d have to pick off of, but he was too exhausted to provide life lessons.

            “Okay, these kind of taste good,” Wylan admitted grudgingly as he ate his fill. “If I didn’t have to look at them, this would be a whole lot more enjoyable.”

            Kaz didn’t respond as he curled up on a bed of moss and leaves that Wylan had made for him when he was out, the fever dragging him into a haze as he tucked his head beneath his wing and tried to fall asleep.

            “You haven’t been your usual snappy self lately. Are you absolutely positive you’re okay?”

            Kaz grunted the affirmative.

            “Alright. Goodnight.”

            Come morning, Kaz was even worse than yesterday.

            Wylan tried to help him to his feet, but his ankles gave way as soon as he tried to stand on his own. His face was flushed and his eyes were bright with fever, his skin sizzling like rocks on a hot summer’s day, and he could no longer bat Wylan aside and tell him that everything was okay.

            “Let me look at your wound,” Wylan insisted, grabbing Kaz’s shoulders when he tried to shy away. “If you don’t let me do this, you’re going to die, do you hear me? We have to figure out what’s wrong or you’re never going to get back to the Sikurzoi.”

            Wearily, Kaz complied, baring his neck to Wylan as the human carefully peeled away the bandages. Despite his gentle fingers, the action made Kaz yelp, and as soon as the wound was exposed to open air and the two of them got a whiff of the awful stench, Wylan was thrown into a panic.

            “Fucking shit, it’s infected.” He touched the red and irritated skin around the festering gash, wincing in sympathy as Kaz ground his teeth together, trying to breathe through the pain. “It’s been developing for a while now. Why haven’t you told me?”

            “I didn’t want...” he hissed as Wylan poked a particularly tender spot, “…to slow us down.”

            “Well, news flash, asshole, you’re stubbornness might just get you killed.” He rose to his feet, winding his fingers through his hair as he paced back and forth like a madman, his pupils quivering as ideas flashed behind his eyes.

            Kaz was having trouble keeping his head up, so he laid back down, shivering despite the heat of the morning.

            “Stay right here. I have an idea.”

            “I’m not going anywhere,” Kaz agreed, his words a mere rasp as his eyes rolled up into his head.

            He passed out for the better part of an hour, thanking Ghezen that no bears or muggers had killed him while he slept, before Wylan shook him awake.

            “Sit up. Quickly.”

            Kaz complied, too sickly to even offer up much resistance to Wylan ordering him around, and sat in a sort of stupor until his companion poured something on his neck.

            That certainly woke him up, and he screamed as his wound blazed like a thousand suns, jerking away so quickly that he got whiplash.

            “What the fuck?!” he shrilled, blinking owlishly as his breaths sawed in and out of his lungs. The jolt of agony had certainly been enough to wrench him out of his daze. “What the hell was that?!”

            “Pure Ravkan kvas,” Wylan deadpanned, holding up the bottle for Kaz to see. “The alcohol will kill the infection, but it’ll also hurt like a bitch, so try to hold still.”

            Kaz’s cries of agony leaked out through clenched teeth, and Wylan kept applying it until the pain grew dull, much less intense than before. He soaked some bandages in it and redressed the wound.

            “How did you get that bottle?”

            “Stole it from a tavern. We might want to get going; all of the townsfolk want my head on a pike.”

            “I don’t think I can.”

            “Your friend is Suli, right?”

            “What?”

            “Inej. She’s Suli?”

            Kaz rubbed at his eyes, nodding, “Yeah, she’s Suli. So is her family.”

            “The Suli people have a whole ton of homemade remedies for infections like this. The sooner that we get to them, the less likely it is that this injury will kill you.”

            Kaz sighed and allowed Wylan to haul him to his feet, trying the best he could to help pack up camp.

            “I also stole a loaf of bread and some fruit, so you won’t have to go hunting again. If that’s not enough, I just might try hunting myself.”

            “Thank you.”

            “You don’t have to say that. I’m just paying you back for all you’ve done for me." 

            They reached the circus two days later, a distance that could’ve been covered in one night had Kaz not been so sickly. The kvas helped, but it needed to be constantly applied or else the symptoms would flare up again, and by the afternoon of the second day, the bottle was empty.

            Dusk had settled over the grounds, the birds in the trees silent and the insects rising up to take their place, and the sky had turned purple and pink as the night sky engulfed the earth in a star-spangled tapestry. By that point, Kaz was barely keeping it together; his ankles crumpled with each step, and every move of his head was like a white-hot spear plunging through his neck.

            Wylan guided him under a rock overhang and waited for him to get situated, offering him some fruit and water, both of which were graciously received.

            “Okay, I’m going in. Stay here.”

            “No...” Kaz grabbed onto the cuff of Wylan’s pants before he could leave. “It’s not safe. They’ll catch you.”

            “No, they won’t,” Wylan insisted, carefully removing himself from Kaz’s weak grasp. “They won’t expect you to make the same mistake twice, and even if they are, they won’t expect me to be the one showing up. I’ll be in and out before you can miss me.”

            “But…”

            Wylan was already gone, leaving nothing behind but a lingering scent that clung to the grass and foliage before dissipating.

            Kaz’s eyes slipped closed.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            _“I’m going to be the winner. Just wait,” Jesper cackled, squirming in his mother’s arms as she used clay from the nearby river to paint his face and chest with the proper ceremonial markings. “The horn is going to sound and I’m going to leave you right in the dust.”_

_“I don’t think so,” Kaz retorted._

_“Sit still!” Jordie snapped, his tongue peeking out from between his lips as he focused on painting Kaz’s markings, what with Petra too busy organizing the ceremony to do it herself. “If you keep wriggling around like that, it’ll be ruined.”_

_“And pride isn’t a good trait to have,” Jesper’s mother tutted. “You’re gloating might just make you lose. Who’s to say that you or Kaz will be the ones winning? Yosef and Amaya are also competing.”_

_“Yeah, but they just got old enough to participate,” Kaz snorted, his wings ruffling indignantly at the coldness of the paint. “We’re much faster than they ever could be, so it’s basically just a competition between me and Jesper.”_

_“Whatever you say.”_

_The Flight of the Cubs was one of the highlights of the year for the youth of the tribe, at least, the ones that were smart enough not to get themselves killed. It was a chance to prove themselves to the elders that they were capable of being a part of the tribe; the cub to kill the biggest elk in the shortest amount of time− using nothing but tooth and claw− could start participating in the real hunts._

_The herd was passing through, and Kaz couldn’t help but feel nervous as he, Jesper, Yosef, and Amaya perched at the edge of a crag in the rock, looking down on a gigantic valley that stretched for miles. Oceans of rolling grass tumbled over the mountainside, packed full to bursting with wildflowers, and among it all was a herd of elk at least twelve hundred strong, grazing and occasionally calling to one another._

_“You kids ready?” Petra prompted as she strode over, a hollowed-out ram’s horn in one hand and a hunting knife in the other; she and a couple of others would be circling nearby, ready to swoop in in case things went south._

_“Yeah, ready to win!” Jesper announced, and the rest of the cubs snickered among themselves; Jesper was a very intelligent and funny boy, but he was about as stealthy as a bear blundering through a forest._

_“On your marks…get set…” Petra raised the horn and blew into it, the sound rolling over the landscape like a clap of thunder._

_All of the elk raised their heads in unison toward the noise as the four cubs leapt into the air, rocketing toward the herd, and they took it as a cue to start running. The sound of their hooves against the ground echoed like the beating of a million hearts, and Kaz quickly broke away from the group, flying low over the elk and scanning the herd for the easiest prey he could find that was still considerably large._

_Josef and Amaya were already going for calves, and although it would be an easier task, they wouldn’t get as many points as if they brought down an adult. That thought was probably what Jesper had in mind, because he was on the tail of a huge, healthy buck with a set of gigantic horns._

_Jesper was more likely to get maimed than to kill the buck, but Kaz knew that he was smart enough not to die. Shaking his head as the buck reared up and whacked Jesper out of the sky, Kaz continued perusing the herd for much easier prey._

_It was to the point where he was worried he wouldn’t be able to find one, but then he saw it: a huge buck, much larger than Jesper’s, but he was clearly old, lagging behind the group and lame in one leg._

_Kaz wasted no time diving down onto the buck’s back, and the elk let out a cry of alarm as Kaz sunk his claws through its thick pelt and into flesh. Clambering up the buck’s back as it tried to throw him off, Kaz finally reached its neck, sinking his teeth into the flesh there in hopes of severing its spine. Its pelt was thick, though, and Kaz had no time to ponder how he would breach it as the buck, in its fright, flipped over onto its back._

_Kaz yelped as the weight of the elk crushed him into the ground, and the hit left his head spinning as the buck scrambled away and galloped back over to the safety of the stampeding herd as fast as its lame legs could carry it._

_Refusing to let this stop him, Kaz took to the air again and gave chase, his wings pumping and his blood roaring in his ears. He flew low, occasionally running beside the buck as he snapped at its legs and haunches, trying to cripple it, but it was a strong-willed creature, refusing to let its wounds slow it down._

_Kaz narrowly avoided getting kicked in to face as he once more leapt onto the buck’s back, ready to take off if it decided to throw itself backward again, and as he clambered back onto its neck, the world whipping around as the buck kicked and reared, he realized he was in a bit of a tight spot._

_The elk’s hide was too thick to bite or claw through without wasting precious time or causing unneeded suffering, and Kaz couldn’t flip over and hang like a bat to try and go for its throat. He needed this elk on the ground and not thrashing about so he could crush its windpipe_

_“Sorry,” Kaz murmured to it before launching himself off of the elks back and grabbing a hold of one of its antlers, using its own momentum against it as it flipped over, flailing through the air and bugling in its distress and terror._

_It hit the ground heavily, and Kaz heard the telltale sound of its back leg snapping beneath its weight. The elk cried out miserably, and by this point Kaz was obliged to put it down; without being able to walk, the elk was easy prey for other, less merciful creatures who would be happy to just start eating it alive._

_He lunged for its throat, fastening his teeth around its shaggy neck and crewing his eyes shut as blood exploded into his mouth and gushed down his chin and neck. The buck struggled helplessly for a few moments before its movements grew slow and eventually ceased altogether, going limp as it suffocated on its own blood._

_Kaz thanked it for its sacrifice._

\----Ӝ----

 

            “Kaz?”

            Kaz groaned as he drifted out of a dream, recalling the pleasantness of it but not really remembering what it was about. All he could figure out was that he’d been in a place that was a lot less terrible than where he was now, and that only served to plunge him into a foul mood.

            He turned away from the voice, curling his wings around himself and wishing that he could just be left alone; the fever was dragging him down into an unparalleled exhaustion, and he’d much rather be asleep.

            “Kaz, are you awake?”

            “Yeah. Go away, Wylan.”

            “Try again.”

            Kaz’s eyes snapped open, and he whirled around, ignoring the pain in his neck as he came face to face with the person he wanted to see the most in the whole world.

            Inej smiled. “Hello, Kaz. Long time no see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry I haven't been updating; school is a bitch and I had tech week for my play, but now I (hopefully) promise to be updating more regularly.


	15. We Should Just Kiss Like Real People Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning(s): Mention of infection

_“The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep._

_And miles to go before I sleep.”_

_−Robert Frost_

\----Ӝ----

 

**XV.**

**WE SHOULD JUST KISS LIKE REAL PEOPLE DO  
**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Like Real People Do” by Hozier_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Having Inej back was almost as strange as being away from her.

            He was so used to waking up in the Van Eck mansion or in the forest that he was thoroughly surprised when he opened his eyes and found himself in the Ghafas’ tent for the first time since forever. Orange, red, and yellow fabric smothered most of the sunlight trying to come in, but a bit of it was able to pierce through and bathe the whole tent in reddish-gold light. The familiar scents of herbs and spices soothed his mind, reminding him of fond memories, and he turned to look over at Inej, who was still fast asleep.

            Yawning, he laid his head back down and closed his eyes, shielding her with his wing as if to hide her from all of the horrors in the world that had the intent to harm her. Of course, he still felt a little out-of-sorts, but he wasn’t nearly as bad as he’d been before.

            Inej woke up exactly twenty minutes and thirty-nine seconds later, and Kaz chuffed happily, nuzzling her as she rubbed her eyes.

            “Good morning,” he greeted as she pushed his face away so she could sit up, smiling despite herself. “I hope you had a nice sleep.”

            “I did, thank you,” she laughed, blinking blearily and running her hands through the long curtain of black hair that he’d so dearly missed. “How long have you been awake?”

            “Long enough.”

            “Your energy seems to be coming back,” she noted, and Kaz nodded eagerly. “My mother’s remedies are working, then, thank Ghezen.”

            “Your mother helped me?”

            Everything before this moment was a haze, and he was pretty sure he’d passed out right after he’d seen Inej, since he didn’t have the slightest idea of what had happened after that.

            “Yeah, we snuck out of the circus with our things. She made an old home recipe that cures infections, or at least helps your body fight it off.”

            “I wish I’d known such a thing existed when I was in the Sikurzoi.” Kaz sat back on his haunches, scratching behind his ear. “How do you make it?”

            “My mom will tell you everything,” Inej assured. “She’s been trying to teach my sisters and I, but we were never enthusiastic about learning it; it was never needed until now.”

            “First aid is always needed,” Kaz reminded her. “There are always ‘what ifs’ involved in every situation, and you have to be prepared.”

            “Thanks, Mom.”

            “Your mother, father, sisters, and Wylan are outside right now, if you wanted to go meet up with them.”

            “Maybe in a minute, but first I wanted to talk to you,” Inej murmured, patting Kaz’s cheek, and the Demjin pressed the side of his face into her palm, his eyes fluttering closed as he purred loudly. “I haven’t seen you in months. I was terrified that something had happened.”

            “Don’t worry, I was fine.”

            “You sure? Last night you were just short of dying from infection.”

            “That was just because I had to get out,” Kaz explained, and upon Inej’s questioning stare, continued on, “Jan Van Eck wanted me as some sort of _pet_.” He spat the word as if it was poison, his expression souring, but he quickly shook his head clear. “He had a Fabrikator put this metal thing on my neck that shocked me whenever I tried to leave the property. I had to cut it out in order to escape.”

            “You made a deep cut,” Inej pointed out, frowning, and Kaz wanted to disappear. He’d just been reunited with Inej; the last thing he wanted was to make her upset.

            “It was buried deep in my neck,” he mumbled. “But Wylan…Wylan is Van Eck’s son, but he can’t read. Van Eck didn’t want him, so he’s _my_ cub now. I stole him.”

            “You kidnapped a mercher’s son?” Inej guffawed, and Kaz was glad to see that the smile had returned to her face once more. “Good Ghezen!”

            He was just about to explain to her what his and Wylan’s journey was like before they reached the circus when a familiar voice called from outside, “Hey, what are you to laughing about in there?!”

            Inej sighed, “I guess we have to go out and join them.”

            Kaz frowned, unwilling to give up this precious time he had to be alone with Inej, but complied as Inej rose to her feet, stretched languidly, and padded out of the tent, Kaz at her heels.

            The group was sitting around what seemed to be a cooking fire, only the only thing left of the fire was a smoldering pile of cinders and ashes. Wylan was chatting amicably with Inej’s parents and her two sisters, talking about science-y things that Kaz didn’t understand, and by the looks on the Ghafas’ faces, they didn’t understand, either.

            Wylan paused mid-sentence and looked up, breaking out in a grin as Kaz trotted out of the tent and sat between him and Inej, patting Kaz’s shoulder.

            “You feeling alright? The Ghafas had to feed you the medicine themselves because you were conked out.”

            “I’m feeling great,” Kaz replied with a lot more enthusiasm than Wylan was expecting. “Mrs. Ghafa’s medicine worked very well. Thanks, by the way.”

            “I’m glad,” Mrs. Ghafa laughed. “We’re all happy to see that you’re up and about.”

            “Do you think you could give me the recipe for it?”

            “Of course.”

            The two of them talked for a while about that, with Mrs. Ghafa explaining all of the ingredients and preparation that was needed to make the poultice that went on the wound and the medicine that had to be ingested. There were moments of confusion, with Kaz having no idea what some of the ingredients were, but upon Mrs. Ghafa describing them, he realized that humans and Demjin just had different names for the same thing. To his delight, all of the ingredients required could be found in the Sikurzoi, at least during the summer months.

            The others eventually joined the conversation, whose topic bled into the adventures that the two groups had had before they’d been reunited.

            “The circus has not been the same without you,” Mr. Ghafa explained gravely. “We’re losing a lot of revenue; no one wants to see the circus without the Demjin, and those who do still come had been tricked into doing so because ads for the Demjin are still up. I don’t think Van Eck has an intentions of taking them down.”

            “Yeah, that sounds like something my dad would do,” Wylan muttered, wringing his hands. “He’s been like that ever since my mom died.”

            “Pain does things to a person, corrupts them and transmutes them into completely different people,” Mrs. Ghafa explained. “I’m sorry, but that’s just how things are. It’s a shame, really.”

            It didn’t take long before they had to head out again, and though Kaz was delighted to be back with the Ghafas, he wasn’t too keen on returning to the trail that he’d trekked for so long. At least he could fly now that he wasn’t scared Wylan would get kidnapped once he was out of sight, though Kaz still returned to the ground every so often, unwilling to be apart from Inej for more than an hour at a time.

            “You’re getting clingy,” Inej chuckled as Kaz alighted next to her, casting a wary glance behind her, but no one was in the vicinity to see Kaz’s wings, which the Demjin had made sure of.

            “I’m just so excited that I’m with you again. I missed you so much.”

            “I missed you, too,” Inej said, putting a hand on his arm.

            “I love you.” It was out before he could think to shove the words back into his mouth; Wylan had told him just how touchy humans were about confessions such as these.

            And yet he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it.

            Inej stared at him for a few moments, shocked, before her surprised expression melted into one of joy, and the hand on his arm slid down to that their fingers were twined together. Kaz had seen couples doing this during his time on the trail, but never once had he participated, and his heart leapt straight up into his throat as her thumb smoothed over his knuckles. Everything about this was so new and exciting.

            “I love you, too, Kaz, but…”

            Both of their faces fell, and Kaz strangled a whimper in his throat as she let go of his hand, which somehow felt colder now that it wasn’t in yours.

            “You’re going away, Kaz, and I don’t want to make this harder for us than it already is.”

            Kaz had almost forgotten about his return to the Sikurzoi, and his heart sank despite himself. Why was he feeling so upset? Getting back to the Sikurzoi had been his mission ever since he’d been dragged into the human world, and yet in that moment the thought of returning to his homeland was downright sickening.

            He wanted to tell Inej that he didn’t want to go, wanted to tell her that he’d stay here with her, but the words wouldn’t come out because he knew that he would be lying. This world wasn't his. He didn’t belong here, and no matter how wholly he loved Inej, he knew he could never be truly happy with her if it meant sacrificing his family. If he stayed, that would be what he was doing; venturing into the Sikurzoi, visiting his family, and then leaving would take many months, and Kaz knew that Inej didn’t deserve to spend her life waiting for him to come home. Ghezen forbid he somehow died along the way. No, that couldn’t be the case.

            “I’m sorry,” he apologized.

            “There’s nothing to be sorry for. It’s just like with Wylan’s father; it’s just how things are.”

            The rest of the day was spent traveling, and they only decided to stop once Wylan, the least fit of the group, announced his weariness and begged for rest. Kaz suggested that he go out and hunt for everyone, but no matter how much Kaz insisted he’d learned from his mistakes, the Ghafas couldn’t get over the incident with the bull.

            “It would be deer only,” Kaz pleaded.

            “Yeah, but with your luck it would be a venison merchant’s prized stag,” one of Inej’s sisters retorted, and the rest of her family and Wylan all nodded in agreement, outvoting Kaz seven to one.

            They settled for soup that Mrs. Ghafa had brought along, and Kaz couldn’t say that he regretted the decision, so unused to the delicacy of something so amazing hitting his palette; he was so used to the coarseness of meat that he’d forgotten what actual food tasted like.

            _Get used to it,_ a voice in Kaz’s brain snorted. _Once you leave, you’ll be eating nothing but meat for the rest of your life, aside from a few chutes and berries in the summer seasons._

The thought only served to sour Kaz’s mood, and he ate in silence for the rest of the meal, which Inej didn’t fail to notice.

            “What happened at dinner?” she asked as he buried himself in the blankets next to her.

            “I don’t want to talk about it,” he grumbled, shielding his face with his wings, which Inej didn’t hesitate to bat away.

            “Come on, tell me. People who love each other won’t hesitate to say if something is wrong.”       

            So she was pulling the love card on him then. He glared at her, perfectly aware of what she was doing but still falling for it anyway, “I just…I don’t want to leave you. The Sikurzoi are only a day’s walk from here and…” He trailed off, his hands balling into fists as he ducked his head and blinked the tears out of his eyes.

            He refused to meet Inej’s gaze, keeping it pinned to his fingers, which picked at the multicolored quilts and blankets idly.

            “Kaz, look at me.”

            He obeyed, though with difficulty.

            “Just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean that you’ll never see me again. You have that migration, right?”

            Kaz perked up, nodding.

            “Well, instead of going…wherever you Demjin go during the migration, you could perhaps come visit us instead,” she suggested, and Kaz’s face lit up.

            “Yeah…yeah I could totally do that. Maybe I can convince some of my family or my friend Jesper to come visit, too.”

            “I’ll make sure we settle a Demjin-friendly place,” Inej assured, and Kaz couldn’t help himself.

            He kissed her.

            _You’re going too fast,_ a voice in his brain warned. _You confessed your love and had your first kiss all in the same day, you dipshit. What the hell are you doing?!_

He blocked the voice out, sighing when Inej placed her hand on the back of his neck and kissed back.

            “Sorry,” he mumbled against her lips. He’d never really kissed someone before, if one didn’t count when he was younger and had kissed Jesper on a dare, and even he could tell that he sucked at it.

            “Stop apologizing.”

            They kissed for a while, Inej dropping hints and pointers the whole way, before the rest of the Ghafas and Wylan filtered into the tent and the two of them had to quickly break apart and pretend like they were asleep, though they were pretty sure that the others had known fully well what they’d been doing.

            Instead of sleeping carefully apart, Kaz had one arm thrown over Inej’s waist, their legs tangled under the blankets and Kaz’s wing guarding her protectively.

            In that moment, he felt truly content.

            Kaz hadn’t wanted the next day to come, had only wanted to spend the rest of eternity sleeping next to Inej, but eventually the day broke and the group had to get back on the trail.

            Despite how it was supposed to be a fun and joyous day, no one laughed, or even smiled for that matter. A sullen fog had settled over everyone, suffocating them into silence and grief. Everyone knew what would be coming next, and Kaz was the one who felt it most acutely; he was the one leaving, not everyone else, and at least once they’d parted ways the Ghafas and Wylan would have each other. Kaz would have no one.

            That is, until he found his family, and he tried focusing on that aspect of it as he tromped along the road, not wanting to waste a single second with the Ghafas even if it mean proceeding on foot. They had to take frequent breaks, with Kaz’s ankles, but Wylan’s sly look made Kaz aware of how the merchling knew he was stalling; when they’d walked together, he’d hiked for far longer and in a much worse state of health than he was in now, and Kaz was glad that he didn’t reveal his secret.

            Aside from Inej, Kaz would probably miss Wylan the most of all.

            His friend, his adopted cub. And Kaz was leaving him behind with a group of near-strangers, reminding him a whole lot of the stories that Jordie had told him of how their tribe had abandoned the two of them once their mother died. He tried not to think about it, but it kept shoving its way into the forefront of his mind, only to serve to drag his mood down even further.

            His lungs shriveled up into pebbles as soon as the trees started to thin out and the ridges of the Sikurzoi loomed up in the distance.

            The moment the ground started to slope up, they had to stop, what with Mr. Ghafa’s bad knees.

            The goodbyes were tearful, and he bid Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa and Inej’s two sisters farewell, thankful when they withdrew to give him some time alone with Wylan and Inej.

            “I don’t want you to go,” Wylan sniffled into Kaz’s neck as they embraced. “It’s not fair.”

            “I know. I don’t want to leave but…I have to. I’ll visit during the winter, though.”

            “Promise?”

            “I promise.”

            Wylan retreated to the huddled group that was the rest of the Ghafas, wiping at his eyes, and Kaz watched him go, trying to memorize his face so that he didn’t forget it during their time apart, though his attention was effectively jerked away when Inej stepped forward.

            She took his face in her hands and kissed him like Kaz was water and she was stranded in the desert, and Kaz returned the kiss with just as much vigor, his wings enveloping them as to shield them from prying eyes.

            He didn’t want it to end, but it did, just as all good things do.

            They embraced for a while, not saying a word and just swaying with one another as if to an imaginary tune, and Kaz had a bitter taste in his mouth.

            “I love you,” she whispered into his neck, her lashes fluttering against her skin. “I love you so much.”

            “I love you, too,” Kaz replied, his throat almost strangling the words. “We’ll see each other again.”

            “By Ghezen, I hope so.”

            He tried to cling to her as she made a move to withdraw, but she slipped out of his arms, her gaze lowered to the ground as tears slipped down her cheeks.

            “Goodbye,” she murmured. “Be safe.”

            “I will. I promise.”

            That was two promises now, two promises that he had to keep, and he swore to himself that he would uphold these promises even if he died trying.

            Kaz cast one last long look at Wylan and the others, and then at Inej.

            With a heavy heart, he spread his wings and launched himself into the sky, his eyes locked onto the shrinking figures beneath him until they were out of sight.

            He wept bitterly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been having a lot of writer's block with this story, especially since this chapter doesn't have anything exciting in it until the end, and the last update I posted was met with very meager comments and kudos, so I just assumed that not many people are reading it anymore. Sorry about this lack of motivation, guys, but I hope that now the story is picking up again I'll have more drive to finish it.


	16. There is No Such Beauty as Where You Belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Fighting (It's almost a play-fight, but I decided to tag it anyway)

  _“It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes._

_Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same._

_Then you realize what’s changed is you.”_

_−F. Scott Fitzgerald_

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**XVI.**

**THERE IS NO SUCH BEAUTY AS WHERE YOU BELONG  
**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Road Home” by Stephen Paulus (Performed by Conspirare)_

 

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            Kaz was pretty sure that, even if he was blindfolded and locked in a cellar for ten years, he would still be able to draw maps of the Sikurzoi by memory.

             The mountaintops beneath him looked as if a gigantic dragon slumbered just below the surface, and the ridges of spines down its back had been covered by earth and rock over the decades as it slept. Steep valleys gaped beneath him and swathes of forest stretched on for miles like the hide of a gigantic green elk, with thin ribbons of streams and rivers snaking through like bolts of lightning.

            The air was cold and crisp up here, stinging his nose and throat when he breathed in, and the wind grappled with him, sometimes fighting him every step of the way but other times carrying him along on its currents. Though it was summer, the gusts were still strong, and Kaz often found himself being swept away if he wasn’t concentrating enough on keeping himself steady.

            He shivered in the insufficient clothing that he wore, longing for something that would cover his arms and the goosebumps growing there, and made a mental note to hunt for skins once he returned back to his cave and got settled.

            The thought of coming home to his cave was daunting to say the least; it was in an ideal spot, with vast hunting grounds that were rich with game, and he wouldn’t be surprised if another male or even an entire tribe had taken up residence there. Since he didn’t want to get into a fight that could cost him his life, if his home was already occupied, he would allow himself to be driven away, which led to a whole other host of problems like finding a new territory that was secluded enough to be safe but close enough to good hunting grounds that he didn’t starve.

            Kaz had been traveling for a couple of days at this point, flying nonstop and only descending to hunt and rest, though many times he’d been caught loitering in someone’s territory and had been threatened with bodily harm if he didn’t scram.

            Despite this, joy bloomed in Kaz’s chest every time he encountered another Demjin, no matter what the circumstances. They could’ve been in the middle of mauling him, and he still would’ve felt ecstatic; it had been months, perhaps even a year or more, since he’d seen other Demjin, and the feeling he got whenever he caught a glimpse of horns and wings or could talk in his native language was unparalleled.

            And yet, even though these were some of the happiest times of his life, sorrow still clung to him wherever he went. Traveling without companions was so foreign to him now; he was so used to having Wylan or Inej by his side that waking up to no one jarred him beyond belief. Traveling was especially hard now that he had no one to talk to as he flew, and it only served to leave him to the mercy of his thoughts, which were anything but kind.

            What if his cave was already occupied? What if Jesper, Jordie, and Petra had all died from grief and he had no one to return to? Would he just go back to his human friends, after working so hard to get to this point?

            There was little to occupy himself from these questions, and as the days dragged on it grew harder and harder to keep his anxiety at bay as all of his worrying thoughts clamored for attention at the forefront of his mind.

            Sleep seemed to be the only reprieve, for there was nothing to defend him against his own mind, but even then he often dreamed of his human friends. He would wake up with a light heart and a smile on his face, but when he reached out to Inej she was always gone, slipping through his fingers and fading away like mist. He would open his eyes and stare into the dark at the cold patch of earth next to him, trying his hardest not to weep with grief.

            He missed Wylan’s laugh and the Ghafa family and their jokes, but most of all he missed Inej; he’d just gotten a taste of what it was like to love her and be loved in return, and all at once it had been ripped away from him.

            Reminders of this plagued him wherever he went, and he tried not to let them weigh him down; he was finally home. This was what he’d been wanting to do ever since he got captured that fateful night; if that was the case, then why didn’t it feel like this was his happily ever after?

            Kaz awoke to being shaken roughly awake, and he was quickly on his feet, shaking his head clear of the tight grip that sleep had had on his mind.

            “Alright bud, time to get out,” a burly Demjin growled, his tribe of equally burly women glaring at Kaz between the boughs of the trees, and Kaz raised his hands up in what he hoped was a placating gesture. “We smelled you the moment you crossed over.”

            “Yeah, sorry, just passing through,” Kaz apologized, rubbing his eyes. He gave a respectful nod to the chieftain, who nodded in return. “Have a good one.”

            And with that, he gathered up what little belongings he had and launched himself into the sky, continuing on his way.

He hadn’t slept much, but he didn’t mind as a sky packed full to bursting with stars smiled at him from above. The moon was pale and milky white in her beauty, bathing the world in a blue-white glow and providing light to see by, and around her clusters of stars and clouds stretched endlessly on a navy canvas as if they were her handmaidens. The sight made Kaz feel as if deft hands had broken into his ribcage and stolen the breath out of his lungs.

            Following the position of the stars he recognized, Kaz realized, upon closer examination of the landscape, that he was in his own territory. He recognized the river that flowed into the claw-shaped lake and the rolling fields swathed in wildflowers of all colors and sizes, a sense of familiarity pulling at him and guiding him homeward.

             A smile lit up his face as a mountain, his mountain, loomed up ahead. It was smaller than the brethren that surrounded it, but the cave inside, which had been hollowed out by an ancient river many eons ago, was more precious than gold. The dips and hollows of the mountainside were outlined in silver by the moon, and Kaz caught sight of the dark smudge near the cliff, his heartrate ramping up as he touched down.

            It smelled like winter wind, dirt, and pine. Home.

            He blinked back tears as he padded over to the mouth of the cave and paused, peering into the darkness. There could be a rival in there, or perhaps multiple rivals that wouldn’t be so kind as to give Kaz a warning before they attacked.

            Then again, it could still be empty. His home could still be his again.

            “Hello?” he called softly. “Hello!”

            And all of a sudden he was being tackled to the ground, his fear skyrocketing as a heavy weight pinned him down. The Demjin above him was plunged into shadow, only his silhouette visible against the star-spangled sky.

            “What are you doing here?!” he bellowed, and for some reason familiarity pulled at Kaz. His voice. His scent. “Answer me!”

            “I-I-I apologize,” Kaz stammered, frozen with terror. “It’s just that…I’ve been away for a while and this used to be my cave.”

            “Your cave?!”

            “Yeah, I was just wondering if it was still vacant, which…” He managed to wriggle out from under the other Demjin’s body, his stomach leaden and his hopes smothered. “…it is clearly not, so I’ll be on my way…”

            “Wait a minute.” The Demjin rose to his feet. “What’s your name?”

            “Uh…” Kaz hesitated, remembering all of the lessons Petra had taught him about why he shouldn’t talk to strangers or share his name. “Kazimer. Kaz.”

            “Kaz?”

            “Yeah,” Kaz gave him a weird look. “Yeah, it’s…”

            The words died in his throat.

            There, bathed in silver light, was Jesper. He looked so much more different than when Kaz had last seen him; his horns were larger, his hair a bit shaggier and uncut, and Kaz’s mouth dropped open.

            “Jesper?”

            Then, all at once, he was being crushed in a hug, arms that were much burlier than Kaz remembered them being wrapping around Kaz’s shoulders and a set of wings enveloping him. The scent of him suddenly was sharp and familiar, like grass and wildflowers, and Kaz wondered why he hadn’t recognized it the first time.

            “You’re alive, you’re alive…” He withdrew quickly, his grin fading into a hard line. “Unless you’re a spirit coming to visit me from the other world.” He squinted at Kaz, as if to make sure he wasn’t transparent. “The walls between worlds are thin this time of year.”

            “No, I’m not a spirit,” Kaz laughed, poking his chest to show that he was solid. “At least, I don’t think I am, and even then the walls are only thin in the winter. Didn’t you listen to anything your mother told you?”

            Jesper shook his head and shrugged sheepishly. “Honestly, I don’t remember half of the things that came out of that woman’s mouth, always raving about spirits and whatnot. I thought it was all bullshit up until like five seconds ago, but now that I know you’re real I’m calling bullshit again.”

He ducked his head to watch his bare feet scuff the ground. “I’m sorry for taking your cave, by the way. I just couldn’t handle the idea of some stranger living in it, you know?”

            “It’s appreciated,” Kaz assured, grinning from ear to ear. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you.”

            “At least you knew I was alive,” Jesper retorted, clamping a hand down on Kaz’s shoulder and steering him into the cave. “Now, I’m going to build a fire and you’re going to tell me what the hell you’re wearing and where you’ve been for the past year and a half.”

            That’s how Kaz found himself helping Jesper gather firewood from his storage and dig a pit right outside the cave at the edge of the cliff, lining it with rocks, and eventually setting the fire alight. Two elk skins were rolled out to cushion them from the cold, hard ground.

            “So, it all started one night when these humans attacked me…”

            Kaz recounted the entire story, from start to finish, and although Jesper made a few snide remarks here and there, he mostly sat agape as Kaz recounted the awful cruelty of Pekka, Oomen, and Van Eck and the kindness of Matthias, Inej, Wylan, and the Ghafas. He told Jesper about the circus and showed him the scars and ragged flesh around his ankles from where Pekka and Oomen had applied the kerosene. He painted pictures of the gigantic Van Eck mansion and how he’d taken Wylan under his wing as his cub, as well as the escape that ensued.

            He carefully left out the part about the relationship between him and Inej, merely stating that she was his closest friend throughout all of it and that she was the one that he missed the most.

            Once he was finished, Jesper was quiet for a long, long time.

            It seemed like ages before he finally said, “I’m sorry. No one should have had to go through that.”

            “Don’t be sorry,” Kaz insisted. “It’s made me stronger. Well, not physically, but mentally for sure. Besides, I’m fine now, see?”

            “You should’ve seen Jordie’s face when we went looking for you before the migration. He’d thought you were dead, thought the humans had butchered you and turned your bones into talismans and your horns and wings into trophies. He didn’t speak for weeks after we found your cave and…all of that blood.”

            “Where is he now?”

            “He’s made a tribe somewhere along the East Ridge. It’s him and about three females. At least, that’s how it was since I last saw him.”

            “Jordie with a tribe? I’m proud of him,” Kaz chuckled. “What about you? Do you have any guys or gals stashed away in there that I didn’t see?”

            Jesper laughed, shaking his head and making designs in the dirt. “No, but I wish.”

            They talked until the moon sunk below the horizon and the sun peeked out from behind the mountains across the valley, like a bear poking its head out of its den after hibernating through the long winter months. Throughout that time, the two of them rekindled their friendship until it was as if Kaz had never left. Conversation came quickly and easily, and Kaz wondered how he’d possibly been able to live without him for so long.

            They were in the middle of enthusing about their favorite things about summer when Kaz yawned, thoroughly interrupting the conversation.

            “Hey, do you think I could stay here for a week or two?” he asked, the question coming out as a sigh. “Until I find a new territory to settle down in?”

            “Actually…” Jesper trailed off, meeting Kaz’s gaze for a split second before looking away. “I was wondering if you could stay here.”

            “Yeah that was what I just asked…”

            “No, like not just for a week. Like…for a while.”

            Kaz tilted his head to the side. “Of course. How long?”

            “Like…forever. Until we get old.”

            Kaz’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, and his wings flared out in his surprise. “I beg your pardon?”

            Jesper paused, worrying on his lower lip. His wings shifted restlessly in his nervousness, and he wrung his hands in front of him gingerly. “I was actually wondering if you could…” His voice failed him, and Kaz waited intently. “If we could maybe…band up and make a tribe?”

            “Excuse me?”

            “Yeah, I thought it was a dumb idea, too.” Jesper was flushed all over. “I just…I don’t want to lose you again, and we were such a good team when we were cubs. Imagine what we can do now that we’re stronger and smarter.”

            “That sounds like an amazing plan,” Kaz assured, the smile returning to his face as he clapped a hand on Jesper’s shoulder. “I’d like that.”

            “Really?” Jesper perked up.

            “Yeah. It’s better than living on my own for the rest of my life; which females would want a cripple as their chieftain?”

            “Not many,” Jesper agreed sadly. “But hey, we’ll have each other. Two bachelors against the world, eh?”

            “As long as I get to be chieftain.”

            “It was my idea, though. I think that by default I would be chieftain.”

            “You’re going to have to fight for it, then,” Kaz laughed, and the two of them jostled each other as if they were going to break out into a mock brawl right there and then. “I’m not just going to _let you_ be chieftain.”

            “Likewise, buddy. This is a fight you’re going to lose.”

            Jesper was much stronger and faster than Kaz was, not to mention Kaz’s disability, but even though he knew that the odds were stacked against him, he hoped his cleverness would pull through. However, Jesper wasn’t a fool; although he made rash decisions now and then and tried to mask his intelligence with humor, he would not be easily tricked.

            “Very well. Let’s both get some sleep and settle our disputes in the field this afternoon.”

            “Sounds like a plan.”

            They shook on it and stamped out the fire, retreating back into the cave for some well-deserved rest.

 

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            When Kaz awoke, the mat next to his was empty.

            For a few moments he wondered where he was, wondered why he was in a cave and not sleeping in the woods, and then the events of yesterday returned, trickling into his mind like a soft, quiet stream through rocks.

            Smiling to himself, he stretched and yawned, regarding the cave with content. Although it was familiar, Jesper had made it his own. The skins for sleeping were in different places than where Kaz put them, and all of his storage was piled near the front of the cave and not toward the back, which was a poor decision on Jesper’s part.

            When he looked up, he realized that Jesper had even painted the ceilings with what seemed to be clay mixed with blood; images of sprawling landscapes full to bursting with flora and fauna met his eyes, and he breathed a sigh of awe at their beauty.

            “Nice, isn’t it?”

            Kaz turned to find that Jesper had returned, his skin still damp from his dip in the stream and the animal skins slung low on his hips.

            “You should really move your stores to the back of the cave,” was his reply, knowing fully well that he’d forget if he saved it for later. “Animals or lone Demjin could come and steal things in the night.”

            Jesper frowned. “A simple ‘good morning’ would suffice.”

            He rummaged around, producing a couple of more skins that were meticulously stitched with sinew and twine, and unceremoniously tossed them at Kaz.

            “Put these on. Just looking at you makes me cold.”

            Laughing, Kaz changed and kicked his clothes off to the side, stopping for a few moments to look at them. They were the one thing that he had left of the Ghafas and Wylan.

            “What are you waiting for? Let’s go eat.”

            Kaz followed Jesper as he padded out of the cave and sat back down by the fire, which was crackling merrily. A fat hare was roasting on the spit above it, and Kaz’s mouth watered at the sight. He hadn’t had mountain hare in ages.

            “I caught this one yesterday,” Jesper explained. “Right before you came back, actually. It’s a good catch.”

            “Wylan hated when I hunted,” Kaz recalled aloud without thinking. “He didn’t like killing the animals.”

            Jesper gave him an odd look. “Pretty sucky cub you’ve got there.”

            “Oh, but he made up for his physical weakness and unneeded compassion with intelligence,” Kaz supplied. “He was incredible at counting. He could size up the number of elk in a herd just by looking at it.”

            “Fat lot of use that is.”

            “Yeah, but it’s still incredible,” Kaz insisted. “He could also mix ingredients together to make things that combusted and exploded. Just by mixing them together! It was like magic, but he called it science.”

            “I might have to meet this cub of yours,” Jesper said thoughtfully. “Where does he live again?”

            “They all live at the base of the first mountain,” Kaz explained. “I’ll be visiting them every winter instead of migrating.”

            “Well, I guess I’ll just have to join you, then, but we have to tell Petra, Jordie, and my mom first before…” He clamped his hand over his mouth. “Petra and Jordie! They don’t know you’re still alive! We have to go visit them soon; they’re going to skin me alive if they find out I didn’t tell them as soon as possible.”

            “I don’t doubt it,” Kaz snorted, watching as Jesper decided that the hare had cooked enough and took it off the spit, sawing off chunks for the two of them to share. “That smells so good.”

            “I learned it from the best,” Jesper reminded, giving him a pointed look, and Kaz couldn’t help but preen as he speared a piece of flank on a stick and wolfed it down.

            The long days of travel and meager portions of food made this small rabbit practically a banquet for him, and he ignored Jesper’s odd looks as he devoured his half of the rabbit in record time, smacking his lips.

            “What? It’s been a long time.”

            “If you didn’t eat mountain animals or mountain berries, then what did you eat?”

            This, of course, prompted Kaz to go off on a huge tangent about human food and wildlife beyond the mountains, all of which Jesper was thoroughly horrified by.            

            “So you’re telling me that they eat food that _burns their mouths?_ ”

            “On purpose,” Kaz agreed. “It tastes nice, actually, but the burning sensation is quite unpleasant, like embers in your mouth. Also, there are these things called cows…”

            They talked until about midday, when they’d scheduled the fight to begin. Taking their places across from each other in the gigantic field at the base of the mountain, their wings flared high up behind them as they both tried to establish position as alpha.

            Normally, this would be a fight to the death, but because it was between two friends and not two rivals who wanted to take over each other’s tribes, they made it that, instead of killing one another, they just had to pin their opponent for ten seconds. This would make sure that the fight went fairly quickly compared to its lethal counterparts, which could last for days depending on how much energy and desire to survive the rivals had.

            It was supposed to be a solemn affair, but considering how Jesper was making faces at him, Kaz realized that he was going to have a bit of trouble taking this seriously; the loser would still seize control whenever they wanted, since that’s just how the two of them were, so there wasn’t really all that much at stake.

            “You ready?” Jesper called as he shucked off the pelts covering his torso, the sun bearing down on them and causing a sheen of sweat to accumulate on Kaz’s brow, and the Demjin quickly mimicked his opponent.

            “I’m ready,” Kaz declared, taking on a fighting stance and wishing he hadn’t been so out of practice in combat; knowing how to kick a soccer ball and how to say hello in different human languages wasn’t going to do shit for him here.

            “Three! Two! One!”

            The two of them shot toward each other, and as soon as their horns collided with a sound like stone on stone, the Demjin’s fight-or-flight mode spurred into action. No longer was he an ambassador from the human world, a newly returned Demjin just having a play fight with his friend. No, he was a Demjin defending his territory, defending his right to lead.

            The two of them launched back only to collide once more in full force, the sound of them echoing throughout the mountain range, and a jolt zinged down Kaz’s spine as his bones rattled with the hit, though he felt no fear.

            After the third hit, they sprang at one another like mountain lions, shrieking and growling at one another. Bone-crushing chomping was replaced with sharp nipping that seldom broke skin, and ripping flesh was replaced with mere scratchers, but despite this the two of them were no less ferocious as they wrestled with one another.

            Their horns collided, their wings churned and bludgeoned, and their talons gleamed as they bared their teeth at one another through the tussle. Snapping and yowling, they struggled for what seemed like ages, and Kaz was surprised at how long he lasted as his feet churned in the dirt and he tried bearing forward with all of his weight to get Jesper to yield, though his friend responded with just as much vigor.

            By the time Kaz started to tire, the sung had sunk low on the horizon, bathing the fields in swathes of yellows and oranges and outlining them both in gold. They were both equally matched in strength and intelligence, but Kaz had spent a large portion of the past few months being fed by people other than himself; he lacked the endurance that he’d once had, the ability to pursue and keep on for days at a time when he’d been following the herds.

            The moment he slipped on a loose stone, he knew he was done for. He landed heavily, and Jesper was upon him as soon as his back hit the ground, bearing his weight on top of him and pinning his arms so that Kaz couldn’t throw him off. His expression was pinched as his lips counted, and Kaz stopped struggling as soon as he reached seven, knowing fully well that he’d been defeated.

            “Nine…Ten! That’s ten! I win!”

            “You do,” Kaz replied wearily with a grin. “Could you get off me now, Jes?”

            “I think you mean:  ‘Could you get off me now, _chieftain_ ’?’” Jesper corrected with a shit eating grin, and at Kaz’s glare he continued, “Alright, I’ll get off, but whoever is the last person to the cave is a pile of elk droppings.”

            Kaz let out a squawk of indignation as Jesper took off toward the cave without warning, grimacing as he launched to his feet and followed in hot pursuit.

            Jesper won because he had a head start, not because he was actually faster.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            As the month progressed, Kaz and Jesper forged a new bond that was unlike the brotherly one that they’d shared before. It was like the merging of two minds into one, and pretty soon the two of them were better hunting together than they were hunting alone, as if they read each other’s in order to work in perfect tandem.

            Summer came in full force, sweeping spring away and bearing down upon the mountains like a physical force. Though it got nowhere near as hot as it did outside of the mountains, it still called for lighter clothing and frequent dips in the lake, which more often than not led to wrestling matches and very serious splash wars.

            He and Jesper never left each other’s sides, as if not only their minds had fused but their bodies were starting to do so as well. They defended the territory from outsiders, built large bonfires for no reason, hunted down the strongest game just for the challenge of it, and even mated during the season.

            The moment fall started to creep up on them from the shadows and steal the leaves from the trees, they packed up their things and decided to go visit their families before heading off to the Ghafas and Wylan for the winter.

            “Are you sure?” Kaz asked as he rolled up the mats and stuffed them into the already full-to-bursting travel pack they’d made from the coat of a bear. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

            “Hey, what’s one missed migration? I migrate every year. This is new and fun,” Jesper assured. At Kaz’s skeptical look, he nuzzled him. “Hey, don’t worry. I’m excited, you hear?”

            “I hear.”

            And with that, the two of them set out.

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ay, now that school is mostly over I got to crank out a chapter real quick! This story is winding down, and I can't believe that this is happening; this is one of the longest fics I've ever written, and in all honesty I didn't think I would finish it when I first began. Thank you all for following this wonderful journey with me in this world, and don't forget to leave a comment and kudos! 
> 
> Also, I made new digital art for the other chapters since the originals sucked. I took a class for digital art and have been able to cultivate my skills a lot better than when I first added this art.
> 
> Also also, I decided to change the chapter titles to lyrics from the chapter soundtracks because it just seemed more relevant to do it that way, so sorry if there's any confusion.


	17. Torn From the Truth that Holds My Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Death of an animal, mentions of past abuse

_“With summer’s last kiss on our skin_

_The autumn air comes rolling in,_

_And like the leaves our soul shifts hue_

_For the ground’s a welcome change of view.”_

_—Erin Hanson_

\----Ӝ----

 

**XVII.**

**TORN FROM THE TRUTH THAT HOLDS MY SOUL**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Don’t You Cry For Me” by Cobi_

\----Ӝ----

 

            It was so odd that autumn was so beautiful, and yet everything was dying.

            Life seemed to leech out of the land with every passing day, the vibrancy slipping away from the valleys and mountaintops as if it were draining out through the rivers.

            The pines still stood proud and tall, but the few trees that did shed their leaves burst into color, their foliage transforming into an inferno of oranges, yellows, and reds as if they were being engulfed by a wildfire.

            Fish swam south toward the ocean, where they would breed and eventually die to make way for the new generation, and the river shimmered like diamonds as light reflected off of the scales beneath the surface.

            Bears and panthers waded into the shallows in hopes of snatching up a fish for lunch, though many times it ended with them plunging face-first into the water and being swept away by the current before they managed to clamber back onto the shore.

            The birds flocked in droves, rising up from the skeletal treetops and swarming in the air like winged clouds as they set off on their journey south, and the elk followed in suit, the herds slipping from the mountains like water through a sieve.  

            The air rumbled with the thunder of hundreds of hooves tramping across the land, and the ground seemed to swell and heave with the churning mass of hooves and antlers.

            It was quite the sight to behold, watching the grass disappear beneath the shaggy bodies of thousands of animals, and Kaz took it all in with wide eyes and a parted mouth. Before being captured and brought to the human world, he’d never taken that much time to appreciate how awe-inspiring nature could be.

            “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Jesper asked, beating his wings so he could soar higher, his silhouette outlined in gold against the sun. “It’s so much calmer up here.”

            “It is,” Kaz agreed, his eyes tracing the outlines of bluebirds as they flew above the elk, almost as if to guide them on the right path. “I don’t know how I could’ve every taken all of this for granted.”

            “It’s easy if you’ve grown up with it,” Jesper reminded him, and Kaz nodded, turning his head to the sky and watching the clouds leap over the mountaintops and plunge into the valleys beneath.

            “There isn’t half as much beauty in the human world,” he murmured. “They destroy everything, believe it to be a place that they can tame and exploit. The trees are leveled and the animals cower in what little woods they still have left to themselves.”

            “That sounds awful. Why are we going back there again?”

            Kaz chuckled, shaking his head. “Though the human world is much uglier than here, the people that live within it are worth returning to.”

            “They’d better be,” Jesper snorted as they passed over a mountain and caught an updraft that lifted them higher. Kaz was pretty sure he hadn’t flapped his wings since a half hour ago. “I don’t want to go this extra distance for nothing.”

            “It won’t be for nothing.”

            They flew for a few hours longer, taking in the sights as they approached Jordie’s territory, the East Ridge.

            The mountains here were capped with snow, so high up that Kaz and Jesper would surely suffocate if they tried to fly over them, so they opted to snake through them, hollering and shoving at each other as they swerved between rugged cliffs and rocky slopes.

            Snow leopards and mountain goats turned their heads to watch as they passed over, teetering precariously at the edges of crags and uncaring of the abysses that yawned beneath them from miles down. They didn’t worry about migrating, since the places they lived were already frigid and barren, and Kaz envied his brother’s territory; if not for the plummeting temperature, Jordie could probably live here year-round, the supply of food never waning.

            The wind howled a lot louder here, and the higher altitude stole the breath from Kaz’s lungs as he and Jesper fought against the frigid gusts. His sides heaving and his wings starting to ache from all the travel, Kaz prayed that they would find Jordie and his tribe soon.

            “We’re almost there!” Jesper called, yelping as he pinwheeled through the air, the wind tossing him like a ragdoll. “They’ve settled in the valley!”

            The ensuing half hour struggle made Kaz want to go limp in the air and plummet to the ground, and by the time the valley came into view, a lush field of grass and trees that combatted the cold ruggedness of the rest of the ridge, Kaz thought he heard angels singing.

            Desperate for rest, he practically raced Jesper to the ground, his wings churning in the air and his breathing ragged as he collapsed into the grass, chuffing contentedly as his wings were finally given a break. Jesper landed gracefully beside him, not even looking winded, and chuckled, nuzzling him in an attempt to get him to rise to his feet.

            “Come on, we shouldn’t dilly-dally,” he snorted, nudging Kaz with his horns, getting smacked in the face by a wing for his trouble. “Ugh, fine. Five minutes.”

            He promptly sat, rolling in the grass to flatten it as he curled up beside Kaz, who opened one of his eyes a sliver to watch Jesper watch him.

            “Stop staring, it’s creeping me out.”

            “I have nothing else to do.”

            “Rest.”

            “I’m not tired.”

            “Fuck you.”

            Jesper threw back his head and laughed, his wings fluttering behind him as he rose to his feet and raised his head, scenting the air. “We’re close. We should get going.”

            There was an authoritative note in his voice, the one he got whenever he was in an “I’m the chieftain you should do what I say” mood, and Kaz groaned, hauling himself upright and yawning as he allowed Jesper to help him up.

            The two of them followed the scent of Jordie and what they could only assume was the rest of his tribe, trudging toward a small copse toward the end of the tree line.

            As soon as they got close, they were confronted by a female who was keeping guard, and she bristled as she planted herself in front of them, raising her spear and her wings while she bared her teeth.

            “You’re trespassing!”

            “Hey, Gaia,” Jesper greeted nonchalantly, and the Demjin, Gaia’s, eyes flew to him, widening to an almost comical size.

            “Jesper!” she lowered her spear, her scowl morphing into a grin. “Long time, no see!”

            The two of them embraced, and Gaia turned to Kaz, sizing him up. “Who’s this?”

            “This is Kaz, he’s a part of my tribe.”

            “Good lord, you finally got someone to be a part of your tribe?!” Gaia gasped, tugging at Jesper’s arm excitedly, and she practically bowled Kaz over with a hug. “Congratulations! I’m sorry you pledged yourself to a chieftain as sucky as Jesper.”

            “Hey now!” Jesper snapped, frowning as Kaz and Gaia shared a laugh. “We came here because Kaz needs to see Jordie.”

            “Why?”

            “I’m his brother,” Kaz explained, and he thought that Gaia might run for the hills as she leapt backward, her wings flaring out.

            “Jordie’s brother is dead,” she hissed, though he could tell that she was piecing together the similarities between him and his brother. The hair. The cheekbones. The lips. “Are you a spirit?”

            “It’s a long story. I’ll explain everything if you bring us to Jordie.”

            “You’re in luck; he just got back from a hunt.” She turned to the trees, motioning for them to follow.

            The trees were so few that Kaz couldn’t even consider it a forest, and it wasn’t a long walk before they reached a central clearing. Though the trees were sparse, they were tall, and the foliage was thick overhead, the wilting leaves and pine needles casting shadowy patterns onto the ground.

            Kaz hesitantly took a step into the clearing, craning his neck to look up at the hammocks and skins strung up in the surrounding trees. A string of white hare furs had been dyed with berries and chamomile, turning them vibrant colors, and they waved in the breeze like flags as they dried.

            Gaia led Jesper and Kaz into the center of the clearing, where a huge fire pit was taking place. Off to the side, two other females were in the process of skinning a mountain goat that they must’ve caught earlier, and they did a double-take when they saw them.

            “Hey, Jesper!” one called, waving cheerfully despite being elbow-deep in a carcass. “Who’s your friend?”

            “Mara, this is Kaz,” Jesper introduced, and Kaz gave her a nod of acknowledgement. “He’s Jordie’s brother.”

            “But I thought you were killed by humans!” She brushed away a strand of hair from her face with her arm, her hands slicked with blood, before hastily adding, “No offense.”

            “None taken,” Kaz chuckled. “Do you know where my brother is?”

            “I think he went to clean up,” the third female supplied. “This goat put up one helluva fight; nicked Jordie’s shoulder with her horns. Nothing major, thank goodness.”

            “No kidding,” Mara agreed, gesturing with her chin to the fire pit. “Would you boys like to join us for dinner?”

            “Of course, if you don’t mind,” Jesper butt in before Kaz could refuse, and Kaz turned to him sharply. “What? I’m starving.”

            “Yes, but there are four people in this tribe who have to feed themselves first. The goat’s big, but not that big.”

            _And the mating season just passed so these women are probably pregnant,_ he tried to convey silently, but Jesper didn’t seem to pick up on the hints as he folded his arms and pouted.

            “Oh, don’t you worry, there’s enough for everyone!” Mara insisted. “Yvonne and I are just finishing up here and we’ll get a fire going.”

            “There’s really no need—” Kaz came here to visit his brother, not to steal his tribe’s food.

            “Please, it would be our pleasure!” Yvonne stated. “Sit!”

            “Would you like help with the carcass, then?”

            “No. Sit.”

            Reluctantly, Kaz and Jesper allowed Gaia to seat them on elk skins situated around the fire, treating them to some berries they’d harvested a few days earlier, some of the last of the season.

            “You really don’t have to do this.”

            “Hey, you’re our chieftain’s brother who’s apparently back from the dead, not to mention a part our chieftain’s best friends’ tribe. You’re basically family at this point.”

            The five of them sat and chatted for a while, talking about the upcoming migration and the beauty of autumn, and Kaz carefully tiptoed around the subject of his supposed death and the upcoming migration, diverting the conversation when it looked like it was going to steer in that direction. He didn’t want to tell Jordie’s tribe and then have to re-tell it again once Jordie himself returned.

            “Here, let us help you with the other stuff,” Kaz insisted even as the females batted him away, though they eventually conceded after much begging on Kaz and Jesper’s part. “Are you doing anything special tonight or are you just leaving the it as-is?”

            “Actually, I got a tip from someone in my sister’s tribe that sprinkling this certain root on the meat will give it some extra flavor,” Gaia explained, gesturing to a storage area that they’d somehow fastened to a nearby tree using some wooden stakes. “Could you go get that and a couple of other spices for me?”

            “Of course,” Jesper replied as Gaia told him what things he needed to get, wandering over to the storage area and squinting inside the jars. “Could you repeat the names for me again?”

            It took an awful amount of time to gather up all the ingredients, spear the goat through the spit, and get a fire going, but they managed it well enough.

            They’d only just hefted the goat up and placed the spit above the fire when another Demjin burst through the trees, his nostrils flared and his wings spread wide. His horns spiraled at least three times before ending in sharp points, and his eyes locked onto Jesper the moment he stepped foot into the clearing.

            “Oh, Jesper, it’s you.” His wings slumped, the tension in his shoulders draining as he grinned.

            Jordie seemed to have aged decades in mere months, looking a lot older than when Kaz last saw him, and he was now boasting a sizable stubble and a way more muscular form that made Kaz a little jealous. He looked like a chieftain.

            This was his brother that Kaz hadn’t seen in months, and he forced back tears of joy as they welled up behind his eyelids.

            “And you brought…” Jordie trailed off, his mouth dropping open as his gaze zeroed in on Kaz. “Is it…is it a spirit?”

            “No, he’s not a spirit, and he’s standing right here, you know,” Kaz retorted, planting his hands on his hips, and he let out an astonished shout as Jordie tackled him in a bear hug, crushing him so tightly he feared that his ribs would snap.

            “I thought you were dead! I thought the humans had butchered you!” Jordie cried, somehow managing to squeeze Kaz tighter, scenting him as if to make sure he wasn’t a fraud. “How are you alive?! Where have you been?!”

            “I’ll tell you if you let me breathe for a second,” Kaz croaked, and Jordie quickly released him. “Agh, my ribs hurt.”

            “Sorry,” Jordie whispered, wringing his hands. “It’s just that you have no idea how happy I am to see you.”

            “I’m happy to see you, too,” Kaz agreed breathlessly. “I think we should talk over dinner first, though.”

            “Of course.”

            They all waited patiently as the meat cooked, entertaining themselves with trivial conversation that was charged with unasked questions, though they all knew that their questions would be answered soon enough.

            As dinner was served, Mara sawing off chunks of flesh for everyone to share— there actually was more than enough to go around, Kaz realized— everyone sat around the dying fire, all of their eyes turning to Kaz expectantly.

            “Well, it all started one night when I was asleep,” Kaz began, watching the whole tribe lean in with anticipation. “All of a sudden these humans are grabbing me. I fought as hard as I could, but there were so many of them and my cave, as you know, is way too small for proper fighting.”

            “Definitely.” Jordie ripped a huge chunk from the rib in his hand, chewing loudly. “What happened next?”

            “I woke up inside of a tent, only it was gigantic, larger than this clearing and just as high.” Kaz mimed the dimensions with his hands, recalling how he’d wondered how there could be an animal skin large enough to cover such a massive space. “There was this man there, his name was Pekka Rollins…”

            He trailed off, his expression falling. “He was…not kind.”

            For the next half hour or so, Kaz told his story. He could’ve paraphrased it and saved them from the trouble, but Jordie and the rest of his tribe wanted none of it, demanding that he describe everything in excruciating detail, from the exact odor of the animal cages to the buckles on Jan Van Eck’s shoes.

            Kaz explained his circus act and the awful days leading up to Inej taking over as his trainer, and just like how he’d done with Jesper, he left out his romantic attachments to her. He spoke of the Ghafas and the new act they’d done where they staged an attack, leading up to when he was bought by the King of Ravka and set free, only to get caught again.

            His audience seemed captivated by the story, hanging on to every word as if the whole thing would dissipate from their memories if they didn’t listen hard enough.

            Kaz talked about his time at the Van Eck mansion and how he viewed Wylan as his own cub, detailing their escape and return to the circus to reunite with the Ghafas. When he told them about his journey back into the Sikurzoi, Jesper was able to take over some parts, explaining their reunion and the weeks leading up to their trip to visit Jordie.

            “So you two are a part of a tribe, right?” he asked, tilting his head to the side, and Kaz and Jesper nodded. “Are you a mating pair?”

            Kaz went as red as a tomato, and Jesper quickly responded, “Only during the season. Otherwise, our relationship is strictly platonic.”

            “Great,” Jordie exclaimed, seeming relieved. “It’s good to know my best friend and my little brother aren’t banging year-round.”

            Kaz hacked on a cough as a scrap of meat went down the wrong pipe, and Jesper had to give him a couple of whacks on the backs before he could breathe right again. It was awkward enough to have his brother commenting on his and Jesper’s mating habits, but the comment was just unnecessary.

            “So, will you guys be migrating with us?”

            “About that…” Kaz trailed off. “I’m going to visit Wylan and the Ghafas instead of migrating. They live at the base of the first mountain. Jesper decided that he wanted to join me.”

            “That’s a good idea,” Jordie said. “It’s nice to keep in touch with the people who helped get you back here. I’d go with you and thank them myself, but I’m pretty sure Petra would skin me alive if that happened.”

            “Speaking of Petra, we were planning on staying here for a night or two and then packing up to go visit her before the migration starts.”

            “I’m afraid you’re a little late.” At Kaz’s shocked and questioning stare, Jordie continued, “One of Petra’s tribe members got pregnant outside of the mating season and just gave birth. The winter is already getting too cold for the new cub where they’ve settled, so she decided to just migrate early this year.”

            “Shit, how am I going to tell her I’m alive now?”

            “I’ll tell her, but you’d better be back from the Ghafas by the time she gets back because she is going to tear the Sikurzoi apart to find you.”

            “I’ll keep that in mind.”

            They spent the entire night talking and playing catch-up, and Kaz got to know both his brother and the females of his tribe, all who agreed that Jordie was a fine chieftain. They hunted together in the dead of the evening, and although they only returned with a grouse, it was fun to hunt together in a big tribe again.

            Kaz hadn’t hunted with more than one person since he left Petra’s tribe, and he hadn’t hunted with his brother for even longer.

            By the time they fell asleep it was nearly morning, and the six of them slept until the afternoon, eating lunch together before Kaz and Jesper decided that it would be best if they left now; they’d traveled days in the wrong direction to get to Jordie’s tribe, so they probably had a few weeks’ worth of travel ahead of them.

            There were a couple of tears shed and many hushed, bitter goodbyes, and Kaz wondered how he’d been able to live without his brother for so long.

            “Bye,” he whispered as they hugged each other tightly, wings wrapping around one another. “I’ll see you soon.”

            “I hope so. You better not disappear on me again.”

            “I won’t.”

            “Promise?”

            “Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a very long time since I've updated. I've had so much writer's block on my story and have been working very hard on my novel, but now that my novel is being looked over by a professional editor, I can finally take the time to write these final chapters. 
> 
> I hope you guys liked this, and I'm pretty sure that the next chapter will be the last. 
> 
> Also, what do you think of me releasing a chapter dedicated to the songs I listened to while writing this? (Not the chapter soundtracks). They're mostly from movie soundtracks. For instance, I listened to "Romantic Flight" from How to Train Your Dragon when writing this chapter, and the nature of the music really bled into the words now that I think about it.


	18. Life Rushing By Your Windows Before It Lays You Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Starving, Death of an animal, Blood and gore, Fighting

_“There are nights where the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”_

_—George Carlin_

\----Ӝ----

 

**XVIII.**

**LIFE RUSHING BY YOUR WINDOWS BEFORE IT LAYS YOU DOWN**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Old Black Train” by the Blasting Company, from the popular series_ Over the Garden Wall

\----Ӝ----

 

            The journey to the first mountain took weeks.

            What could’ve been a few days’ trip during the summertime morphed into a treacherous journey as the gentle death of autumn slipped into the bitter oblivion of winter, the northern winds from Fjerda sweeping into the Sikurzoi like a frigid tide.

            Clouds leapt over the mountaintops and plunged into the valleys, bringing along with it a torrent of ice and snow unlike any other that Kaz had ever seen, and the once-lush expanse of his home transformed into an icy wasteland in a matter of days.

            Kaz and Jesper flew as fast as they could during the precious moments the winds dissipated and didn’t toss them back with every beat of their wings, but most of the time they were wrestled down to the ground, leaning against the howling blizzards as they trudged through waist-deep snow.  

            Though they’d packed well, they were incredibly unprepared for the suffering that winter brought, the cold so biting that it seeped through the thick skins that clothed them and chilled them to the marrow.

            “So if we eat this amount today, we can eat the same amount tomorrow,” Kaz explained as he and Jesper huddled in a shallow indent in a rocky cliff, their backs to the unforgiving tempest.

           He used his knife, a four-inch blade carved from the scapula of an elk, to carve their meat supply into meager chunks.

            _This is barely enough to keep us alive. Not even the smallest of cubs could survive on these rations,_ he thought bitterly. Aloud, he said, “I know it’s not much, but we have no idea how long we’ll be traveling for.”

            “You’re right,” Jesper sighed, eying the scraps wearily and tucking his knees against his chest. “You’re sure we don’t have any berries left?”

            “We finished them yesterday.” Kaz packed up all of their food, careful not to leave behind any morsels. “They’re all gone.”

            “But we were only eating two at a time! How is that possible?”

            “I don’t know. We’ve been traveling for a while. Food runs out.”

            “Ugh, I wish we could get to your friends and eat that food that burns their mouths,” Jesper hissed, wrapping his wings around himself and shivering. “I need something to warm me up.”

            “Me, too,” Kaz snorted, curling up and tucking his head beneath his wing. His muscles had locked up from the cold, and he was worried that his fingers and toes were so numb that he was worried a couple of them had fallen off without him knowing. “If you see any dry firewood lying around, let me know and we can build a fire.”

            “Not in this wind,” Jesper scoffed, his lips twisting. “And I doubt that the snow would spare any firewood. It’s not like the storm can say ‘Oh, these two Demjin need firewood! Perhaps I shouldn’t dump snow on these sticks so that they stay dry.’”

            “I wish.”

            Jesper collapsed onto his side, curling up next to Kaz for warmth and raising his wings up to shield them from the wind, and Kaz quickly did the same, glad to feel at least some semblance of warmth after freezing for so long.

            The two of them slept very little and set out the next day with low energy and even lower morale. They used the sun to make sure they were traveling west, and when the time came for the sky to open up and unleash a torrential downpour of snow, they could only pray that they were going in the right direction.

            Kaz clutched his shoulders as the winds shoved him and Jesper around like ragdolls, staggering through the drifts that only served to slow them down and make their feet numb. The snow was like a white curtain strung up around them, making it hard to see even a few feet ahead, and Kaz kept his gaze diligently trained on the ground as the moisture in his eyes turned to frost.

            All he could concentrate on was the snow crunching under his feet, the way he was slowly freezing to death, and the pit in his stomach that begged to be filled. It let out a pitiful growl, gurgling in hopes that Kaz would eat, but he and Jesper had already gobbled up their rations for the day and couldn’t eat tomorrow.

            His hunger made him delirious, and suddenly he was seeing outlines of elk and rabbits against the snow curtain, shadowy silhouettes that bounded across his vision but disappeared into the flurry as soon as he got close.

           He blinked hard, his stomach growling even louder as saliva pooled in his mouth, and he imagined the scent of these animals wafting over to him, imagined hearing the pump of blood in their veins and sinking his teeth into flesh to taste it.

           Kaz’s breathing went ragged as he averted his gaze, unwilling to let these phantom animals taunt him any longer, and he begged every deity he could think of for this hell to end. Nobody seemed to be listening, though, because no divine hand reached down from the heavens to pick the two of them up and whisk them away to Wylan and the Ghafas.

            The thought of seeing his human companions again was the only thing keeping Kaz going, his unwavering desire to rekindle his friendships after so much time spent apart. Though he’d never admit it, he was also desperate for Inej’s affection again, desperate to hold her hand and taste her kiss.

            However, doubt was creeping up behind him like a panther ready to pounce, making him wonder whether seeing them was worth starving and dying in the snow. Had it been just him traveling, it would’ve been a hard yes, but now that he wasn’t just worrying about himself, he had his reservations.

            “I’m so sorry, Jesper,” he whispered, his teeth chattering and his words nearly lost to the howl of the storm. “We should’ve just migrated. Now we’re in danger, and it’s my fault.”

            “Don’t apologize,” Jesper snapped, raising his eyes up to the sky as he bowed into the wind. “There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

            “But—”

            “I wanted to come with you. Even if you’d known it would be this bad, you couldn’t have stopped me from coming if you tried.”

            “Thanks, Jes.”

            Once they decided that they couldn’t go any farther, they searched in vain for some shelter before deciding it would be easier to just dig a den into the snow, their fingers trembling in their gloves as they scooped away the ice that burned like fire.

            Weary and hungry, the two of them curled up like they did in their cave, pressed against one another as closely as they could. Kaz’s eyes fluttered closed as he tucked his head and hands against Jesper’s chest, relishing in the heat that radiated from him as their wings wrapped around one another.

            “You’re warm,” he murmured.

            “So are you.” Jesper’s cheek was a balm of heat against Kaz’s frigid neck. There was a moment of silence before a tentative, “I know it’s not the mating season but…”

            “No! Absolutely not! I’m not going to freeze to death for the sake of a quickie in an ice den that can barely fit the two of us.”

            “Which makes it all the more cliché and romantic,” Jesper crooned, laughing as Kaz slapped him with his wing. “Come on, you have to admit it! Two people huddling together for warmth as a cozy storm rages outside…”

            “Shut up and go to sleep. Maybe when we get where we’re going.”

            Jesper’s eyebrows climbed up to his hairline, and Kaz winked at him.

            “I could get used to this."

            In the morning they each had a small slice of rabbit meat, which was slimy in their mouths and did little to ease the pits in their stomachs, and set out into the wilderness. The freezing air nipped at Kaz’s cheeks and nose, making them sting and flush red, and he had to force his eyes open with every laboring step he took through the snow.

            Jesper was faring no better, his jaw set into a hard line and his eyes weary from hunger and exhaustion, but there was a sparkle of determination within his gaze that spurred Kaz to keep moving.

            They trudged down the mountainside for hours before the wind finally let up, and the two of them quickly launched into the sky, rocketing across the landscape as fast as their wings could carry them. It was during these times of flight that they covered the most ground; an hour’s worth of flying got them way farther than three day’s worth of walking.

            They managed to fly for about two hours before another storm swept in and they were forced to land. Gasping from the exertion and starving for something better than old rabbit meat, the two of them collapsed into the snow, their sides heaving and their breath fogging in the air. The wind picked up, buffeting their bodies and tossing snow into their faces until they looked like they were dusted with powdered sugar.

            “We’re going to die here,” Kaz whispered, squinting up at the unforgiving grey sky that stretched above him, snowflakes getting caught in his lashes.

He searched for a landmark, some sort of sign that they were getting close to the first mountain, but it was a whiteout. Even if there was something there, Kaz couldn’t make it out through the flurry of wind and snow.

           “I need to eat something,” Jesper growled, shivering as he pressed closer to Kaz. “I need to fucking eat something.”

           He reached for the snow but Kaz slapped his hands away with a hissed, “You’ll freeze to death, idiot! We have to keep going!”

           “I can’t Kaz, I can’t—”

           “You have to!” Kaz begged, his tears turning to frost on his cheeks. “Please, I can’t lose you. This is my fault. It’s all my fucking fault.”

           “Stop saying that!” Jesper roared. “You fucking—”

           A crow cried out, its call carried toward them by the wind, and the two Demjin froze, turning toward the noise in unison. Without a word, they bounded into the storm, following the phantom echoes of the crow’s cry.

           Just when they thought they’d been hearing things, it came again, louder this time.

           Their breathing ragged as they surged through the snow, Kaz and Jesper nearly sobbed in relief when a tree line loomed up out of the blizzard. The pines blended in with the world around them, their branches sagging and their green needles smothered by snow. From within the woods, the crow called out once more.

            The trees shielded them from the bitter winds, and Kaz and Jesper tumbled over each other as a mound of snow came into view, one that was being pecked at by one solitary crow. It turned to watch them as they approached, its black eyes seeming to glitter in warning, before taking off into the trees.

            Upon closer inspection, they realized it wasn’t a mound of snow, but rather the carcass of an elk calf. Its leg was broken, so the herd had probably left it behind to freeze to death. Something had already gotten to it, and blood was splattered around, staining it red. It was one of the only colors Kaz had seen in a while besides white, black, brown, and grey.

            Neither of them noticed the tracks in the snow or smelled the scent that still clung to the trees. They were too bone-numbingly cold, too blinded by their hunger.

            The two of them wasted no time as they descended upon the carcass like animals, and though the most savory bits were already eaten, there was still enough to fill them up. Teeth flashed and flesh ripped as they tore into what was left of the elk’s stomach, blood slathering across their jaws and neck.

            The meat was tough, frozen, and in desperate need of some cooking, but Demjin were not strangers to eating raw meat.

            “I never knew that a weeks-old frozen elk could taste so good,” Jesper mumbled around a mouthful of the calf’s flank. “Finally, a decent fucking meal.”

            Once they’d polished off the carcass, leaving nothing but an empty hide and piles of bones, they harvested what they thought would be useful to them.

            The hide was sawed up and fashioned into handkerchiefs that they could tie around their heads to protect their faces from the wind. Jesper cracked some of the ribs off of the sternum so they could fashion them into knives later, and with that they set off with a newfound energy.

            Though the day was still as terrible and cold before, it somehow seemed less dreary now that their faces were warm and their bellies were full.

            They walked for about an hour in the storm, the snow crunching underfoot and the wind howling in their ears and drowning out any other noise they could’ve picked up on.

            Kaz turned his head to tell Jesper something when suddenly a scent hit his nose, something musky, unfamiliar, and incredibly unfriendly.

            “Do you smell that?” Kaz demanded.

            “Smell what?”

            Kaz frowned, the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. “I’ve got a bad feeling.”

            “This whole trip has been one big bad feeling,” Jesper retorted, rolling his eyes, “And what is there to be afraid of? No animal in its right mind would be out during this storm.”

            “But an animal that was desperate enough would.”

            Jesper looked about to retort when a furry mass burst from the shadows, tackling him to the ground.

            Kaz’s cry of alarm was lost to the wind as he drew his knife from his boot, his frozen fingers clutching the handle like a lifeline. Jesper and the mass wrestled on the ground, roaring and snapping at one another in a flurry of claws and teeth, and Kaz leapt into the fray, raising his knife up to plunge it into the creature’s shoulder.

            It tossed him to the ground with an outraged roar, and Kaz’s eyes widened as the gigantic bear rose up onto its hind legs, its brown fur billowing in the wind. Its face was crusted in dried blood from the elk, and when Kaz looked down at his own blood-soaked self, he realized that the scent of it must’ve drawn the bear right to them.

            It dropped back onto all fours with a snarl, lumbering over with its teeth bared, and Kaz beat his wings, desperately trying to flee as the wind fought back and kept him grounded. Flight wasn’t an option anymore; now, they had no choice but to fight.

            Before the bear could reach Kaz, Jesper leapt forward and slashed at its face with his claws with one hand while the other fumbled for his knife, his eyes glittering as if galaxies were trapped behind his irises.

            Kaz was on his feet as fast as he could, and the two of them fell into tandem in no time as they drew upon their experience of doing this hundreds of times before. They didn’t have their spears this time, though, and couldn’t ward the bear off from a distance, but they would have to make do.

            These instances were few and far between, but there was the occasional bear who awoke from hibernation for some reason or other and immediately consumed by their own hunger. These bears, which the Demjin called “ _shatuns_ ” or “winter-walkers” hardly ever survived, either being overtaken by frostbite or starvation at one point or another.

            This bear was starving— the baby elk must’ve done little to sate it— and it was willing to risk everything if it meant it could eat. There would be no chasing it away or getting it to back down; this bear was either going to eat or die trying.

            The bear lunged for Jesper, who was only barely able to leap out of the way, and swerved to Kaz, who sliced a long cut down the bear’s muzzle. It bellowed in rage, shaking its head before knocking him to the ground with one of its massive paws.

            Kaz gasped as its claws raked across his face, giving them matching wounds, and the scent of his blood only served to rile the beast up into even more of a fury. Kaz scrambled back as it towered over him, saliva dribbling from his jaws and crystallizing into icicles in its fur.

            “Hey ugly, over here!”

            The bear’s head whipped around, only to have a snowball smack it square in the face. It made a move for Jesper but seemed to think better of it, turning back to Kaz before getting hit by another snowball, which seemed to be the final straw.

            The bear tackled Jesper to the ground before he could even react, clouting him over the head with its dinner plate-sized paw and snapping at his throat. Reeling from the blow, Jesper could only push against the bear’s massive chest to keep it from mauling his neck, his eyes wild as they wrestled on the ground.

            Without thinking, Kaz launched himself onto the bear’s back, digging his knife into its back in hopes of severing its spine. But despite being emaciated, its hide was still thick and near-impenetrable, and Kaz’s claws sunk in as he struggled to stay on, the bear writhing and bucking.

            Jesper remained on the ground, clutching his head and blinking hard as his eyes rolled back. The snow around him was stained red, and Kaz’s heart sank.

            His grip loosened, and all it took was a particularly vicious jerk to catapult him into the air. Kaz landed heavily on his back, his breath leaving his lungs in a rush as the bear descended upon him with all of the fervor of a starving animal.

            There was nothing else to do but fight back with just as much ferocity, his humanity drowned out by his desperate will to survive. He snapped and slashed at anything he could reach, feeling fur and skin tear up beneath his claws as they grappled on the ground.

            The bear’s teeth closed around Kaz’s forearm, and Kaz cried out as it ripped a piece of flesh from his arm, the agony of it almost making him vomit. There was blood everywhere, streaming down his arm and soaking into his clothes, and the bear must’ve liked what it tasted, since it lunged again in hopes of taking a chunk out of his neck.

            Kaz yowled and clawed at the bear’s face with his good arm, slashing at its eyes and nose and finally allowing himself to exhale as it leapt back with a thin shriek, blinded in its right eye and near-blind in the other.

            On the verge of passing out, Kaz dragged himself to his feet as the bear blundered about in its anguish, its paws churning the blood-slicked snow.

            His expression contorted as he picked up his knife, which had been lost in the tussle, and staggered over to the bear, clutching his arm against his chest. The bear’s head whipped around, its teeth bared and its eyes unseeing, but there was already a blade in its skull.

            Kaz wrenched the knife to the side, watching in sick glee as the bear collapsed into a heap on the ground, dead. He spit on the corpse and finally allowed the agony of his wounds to consume him, crumbling to his knees as he struggled to get enough air in and out.

            The storm around him suddenly ebbed, the clouds receding and the churning snow settling quietly. Kaz looked up and there was the first mountain before him, standing proud and tall against the light of the newborn dawn.

            “Kaz?” The sound of Jesper’s voice had Kaz’s head whipping around, and he dragged himself over to his friend’s side, his blood turning to ice in his veins at the vermillion stain that flowered around his head.

            “I’m here, Jes, I’m here.”

            “Is the bear gone?”

            Kaz looked over at the mangled corpse before nodding. “Yes, it’s gone. I killed it.”

            “Good, good,” Jesper whispered, his breath coming out ragged. “Serves the bastard right.”

            Kaz laughed, wiping away the blood that had dripped into his eyes. “The first mountain is right here. The storm’s gone, too, so we can fly over.”

            “I can’t.”

            Kaz swallowed hard. “What do you mean?”

            “I don’t know what’s going on. I think I might be dying I can’t keep my eyes open it’s hard to breathe I can’t _breathe_ —”

            Jesper’s eyes rolled back, and Kaz let out a terrified screech. He couldn’t lose him. Not when they’d only just been reunited after a year spent apart. There was no way he was going to lose another person to an animal. His mother was quite enough.

            His sides heaving and every movement agony, Kaz somehow managed to get Jesper over his shoulders, carrying him military style as he abandoned their bags and spread his wings, noting the clouds in the south.

            He had to get to Inej and the Ghafas. They would know what to do.

            Kaz could barely keep them aloft, but his adrenaline fueled him, erasing his exhaustion and his pain and replacing it with determination.

            Jesper wasn’t going to die on his watch.

            _Stay alive. Stay alive. Stay alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter! I have no idea how I had the inspiration to complete it, considering how the last chapter only got one comment.
> 
> You guys are ghosting on me, and it leaves me with zero inspiration when I spend all day working on a chapter and no one bothers to say something about it. It's like I'm writing this fic for no one!
> 
> This obviously isn't the last chapter, since I'm not ready to finish this story just yet, but it's coming up in either the next chapter or the chapter after that, depending on where the story takes me.


	19. Heart Made of Glass, My Mind of Stone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning (s): None

_“The best and most beautiful things in the world_

_cannot be seen or even touched._

_They must be felt with the heart.”_

— _Hellen Keller_

 

\----Ӝ----

 

 **XIX.**

**HEART MADE OF GLASS, MY MIND OF STONE**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Lovely” by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid_

 

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            “It’s winter already,” Wylan fretted as he and Inej tromped down to the river to deal with the exorbitant amount of laundry Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa had tasked them to wash. “Kaz should be back by now.”

            “He should,” Inej agreed absently, trying not to let on how worried she was as she dipped a shirt into the icy water, taking a bar of soap and lathering up the fabric.

            Though sunny, the day was bleak, and Inej shivered despite her thick coat, her hands going numb the more she washed.

            Kaz most definitely should’ve been back by now. He’d promised all of them before he’d left that he would visit instead of migrating, and she was pretty sure that Demjin didn’t migrate in the dead of winter.

            _Maybe he forgot,_ she thought, scrubbing at a stain on one of her sister’s shirts. _Maybe he migrated to stay with his family and will visit on the way back._

She tried not to think about the worst-case scenario, but no matter how many times she shoved it away, the idea returned to fester in her mind like a sickness; behind her eyelids came images of Kaz chasing down elk only to have his ankles fail him, and the more he failed the thinner he got until eventually he collapsed onto his side and never arose. Mountain lions and crows came to feast on his corpse until only bones remained, and once winter fell upon the Sikurzoi, the bones would be buried under the snow and never seen again.

            Her distress must’ve shown on her face, since Wylan assured, “He’s probably fine.”

            “How can you know that?” Inej demanded, her jaw clenching as the cycle repeated itself. Kaz’s hollow and hungry eyes wouldn’t leave her alone. “He always spoke of how nervous he was to return because of his disability.”

            “Who knows? Maybe some of the muscle has grown back since then,” Wylan suggested, and though he sounded optimistic, Inej didn’t fail to notice the worried line of his mouth. “His limp seemed a lot better when we got here compared to when I first met him.”

            “I suppose.”

            “You don’t believe a word I’m saying, do you?”

            “No, not really.”

            The two of them finished the laundry in silence before piling all of the clothes back into the basket and heaving it back to the tent to hang up and dry. The Ghafas had been opposed to getting an actual house, which felt like too permanent of a dwelling and went against Suli tradition. There weren’t many choices in the area anyway, so they’d decided to live in the tent that they’d technically stolen from the circus.

            In the beginning, while Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa stayed home, Wylan, Inej, and her sisters had walked eight miles every day to the nearest town to work. Their jobs were far from luxurious, considering how small the town was and how few people passed through it on a day-to-day basis, but their combined salaries were enough to support them.

            After the first few months of earning and saving, they’d all pooled their money and purchased a strong buckskin horse and cart so that they wouldn’t have to walk everywhere, and a month after that they’d purchased a second tent for Wylan so he wouldn’t have to awkwardly crowd in with the Ghafas anymore.

            Other than those things and food, they didn’t pay for much else, since there were no servants’ salaries to worry about and no crops to grow or sell. In Inej’s opinion, they were living a modest, perfect lifestyle, though she could tell that Wylan sometimes missed the ease that came with having wealth.

            “But seriously, my dad used to put kerosene on his horse’s ankles to make them step higher, and when he got busted and was forced to stop, they recovered just fine,” Wylan insisted, hefting his side of the basket, and though Inej cared for Wylan like a brother, she really wanted him to stop getting her hopes up.

            Hope could be poison in this situation.

            He continued on despite her warning look, “And, in the unlikely instance that they don’t heal, Kaz is smart and also has wings. If he can’t catch his prey on foot, he sure as hell can trick them or chase them down on the wing.”

            A small smile touched Inej’s lips as she imagined the shocked look on the animals’ faces when they realized they’d wandered into one of Kaz’s traps. Wylan’s reasoning wasn’t completely outrageous, and her mind eased at the assurance that Kaz was eating.

            Then again, he’d spoken of fights breaking out with other Demjin, and her mood plummeted once more; unlike most animals, which could be easily outsmarted, Demjin were far from stupid, and if Kaz couldn’t fight them on the ground, he was a goner.

            She and Wylan lugged the laundry the rest of the way to the tents and strung everything up on the clothesline, their arms aching, their bodies tormented by the chilly air, and their moods fouled at the thought of their friend’s lateness and possible demise.

            A pleasant aroma permeated their surroundings, and Inej breathed in the scent of spices, eggs, and potatoes, all of which sizzled on a pan above the open fire. Her mother was tending to it, stirring it around while her father huddled by the fire’s warmth, bundled up in coats and blankets to an almost comical degree. Her sisters were out at work today, despite it being a national holiday of independence or something like that.

            Inej’s lips pursed into a thin line as she watched her parents chat amicably, their faces flushed from the cold. Both they and Inej’s sisters had sacrificed so much for her, Wylan, and Kaz. Instead of insisting on moving back to their homeland when they left that wretched circus, they’d agreed to move here for Kaz, and though it wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t ideal, either.

            “Did you guys get the laundry done?” Inej’s mother asked cheerfully, and she nodded as she pinned up the last piece of clothing, which just so happened to be a pair of her father’s underwear. “Breakfast is almost ready.”

            “Sounds good, I’m famished,” Wylan laughed, coming down to sit next to them. He was such a kind soul, and it made Inej infinitely grateful that her parents had taken him under their wing, refusing to let him go out on his own. “Did anyone feed Ollie yet?”

            The horse in question raised his head at the word food, trotting over and peeking his head out from his enclosure as his nostrils flared. The fence was a bit ramshackle and crumbling in places, to the point where Ollie could’ve easily escaped if he wanted to, but he had yet to figure that out.

            “Yes, I fed him this morning,” Inej’s father replied with a laugh, he opened his mouth, about to say something more, when suddenly his eyes slid to something above their heads, his eyes going wide. “Good Saints—”

            Inej whirled around and gasped when she saw a gigantic bird heading toward them, its wings churning the air as it plummeted to the ground. Only, it wasn’t a bird.

            Kaz was carrying someone else over his shoulders, a boy about his age, and Inej’s heart spurred itself into a frenzy when she noticed the spiraling horns that curled from his head and the wings that slumped by his sides.

            Another Demjin.

            “Kaz!” Inej cried as he fell to the earth like someone had shot him out of the sky, his friend tumbling out of his arms as he landed heavily.

            “Save him,” were the first words out of his mouth, his eyes slipping to the other Demjin, who lay unmoving beside him. He tripped over the words, so unused to speaking the human language. “Please save him.”

            As Inej’s family hustled the other Demjin into the tent, Inej and Wylan crumbled to their knees beside Kaz, who was fighting to stay conscious.

            He had a set of claw marks down his face, blood crusting into jagged lines across his sallow skin, and his clothes, which looked like they were made from the skins of some animal, were covered in blood.

            “Kaz!” Inej grabbed his face and realized, with growing horror, how far his cheekbones jutted from his face and how deeply his eyes had sunken into his skull. His arms looked like leather stretched over sticks, his hands gnarled. One of his claws had broken off. “Kaz, what happened?”

            “Food,” Kaz whispered. “I need food.”

            Wylan leapt to his feet and grabbed the pan off of the fire, burning himself as he dropped the pan next to Kaz and began feeding him their breakfast, which had charred slightly amid the commotion.

            There was yelling coming from the tent, and Inej’s father burst from within to grab a pail of water and dart back inside.

            Kaz gobbled down the food like he hadn’t eaten a proper meal in weeks, and with every bite of food his eyes grew more alert and his breathing became more even.

            “It’s so great to see you again,” Wylan murmured as he helped Kaz sit up, keeping a hand on his shoulder to steady him. “Are you okay?”

            Kaz shook his head, allowing Inej to feed him another piece of potato, his eyes fluttering at the flavor. “We left too late. The winter swept us up and slowed us down; what should’ve been a few days’ trip turned into countless weeks. We were on the other side of the mountain when a bear attacked us. My friend, Jesper, was badly hurt. I have no idea how I had enough strength to carry him all the way here.”

            “You were so strong,” Inej whispered, cupping his face in her hand, and he pressed his cheek against her palm, his eyes fluttering closed. “Jesper’s the one you told us about, right?”

            Kaz nodded. “He’s my chieftain. We’re a tribe of two.”

            “So you were fine up until the trip back here?”

            “Yeah. We were doing great, actually.” Upon seeing his friends’ guilt-creased expressions, he quickly added, “But it was our fault. We were supposed to leave many weeks earlier, but we decided to go visit my brother in his territory, which is way in the opposite direction, before we set out.”

            “Alright.” Inej helped Kaz to his feet, and she and Wylan scrambled to steady him. “Let’s go and patch you up in Wylan’s tent and then I expect you to go to sleep, got it?”

            “Got it.”

            Kaz’s wounds, though they looked terrible, weren’t all that severe, and most of the blood on his clothes had belonged to Jesper and the bear. It wasn’t anything they couldn’t mend with a little bandages and alcohol, though there was a huge chunk missing from his arm that they’d had to get Mrs. Ghafa to fix. They helped him change into a fresh shirt and pants before settling him into Wylan’s bed.

            “Stay.” Kaz tugged on Inej’s sleeve, and she went willingly, propping herself up on the headboard. “Thank you for doing this.”

            “Wylan!” Inej’s father cried from the tent. “We need you!”

            “Bye,” Kaz murmured faintly before Wylan dashed out of the tent. “I’m sorry.”

            “For what?”

            “Dumping myself here for you and your family to take care of.” Kaz picked at the sheets with his claws, pressing his cheek against her leg as his wings shifted restlessly. “I haven’t been here ten minutes and I already feel like a burden.”

            “Don’t say that,” Inej snapped, running her fingers through his hair and swirling them along the ridges of his horns, and his eyes fluttered closed. “You have no idea how happy we all are to see you and your friend.”

            “Jesper and I barely survived. We thought we were going to die out there.”

            “But you got through it together.”

            Kaz nodded. “Jesper has always been a great source of strength for me. He’s my chieftain. Sometimes a mate, depending on the season.”

            “A mate?” Inej prompted, her blood going cold. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            Kaz averted his gaze, pursing his lips into a thin line. “A mate is a partner. But I promise you with every fiber of my being that it’s something that’s limited to the Demjin…season. We’re just friends.”

            “Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to intrude—”

            “No!” he cried, a little vehemently, and quickly forced himself to take a breath. “No. You’re my sun, moon, and stars, Inej. I could never choose anyone over you, not even Jesper.”

            Inej said nothing, staring off absently and wondering if she’d been the one to come between a long-standing relationship, and Kaz hauled himself upright despite her protests.

            “I came all the way here for _you_. Sure, Wylan and the Ghafas are close to me, but I missed you the most. No matter how deep into the Sikurzoi I was, I would’ve come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I'd crawl to you. Jesper and I fought our way out of there together, knives drawn and teeth bared, all because I needed to get back to you. I was willing to fight until the bitter end.”

            And for the first time, Inej smiled, leaning in to plant a kiss on his lips. Kaz stiffened, his wings fluttering and his mouth tense, but it didn’t take long for him to melt into it, twining his fingers with Inej’s.

            She wished they could stay like that forever, just kissing, but eventually Kaz broke away to yawn, rubbing at his eyes and forcing them to stay open.

            “I think it’s time for you to get to bed,” Inej pointed out, and Kaz grumbled something in his native language under his breath, pulling the covers over his shoulders and tucking himself into the pillow. “I love you.”

            “I love you, too.”

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            Kaz awoke to Jesper’s terrified shriek, and he leapt out of bed and scrambled out of the tent, momentarily forgetting that he wasn’t in the Sikurzoi anymore.

            His wounds ached and stung when he moved, but that was hardly an issue as his mind cycled through all of the things that could’ve gone wrong. Was it another bear? A mountain lion?

            _“What the fuck is going on?!”_ Jesper bellowed in their native tongue, and Kaz stopped in his tracks as he watched Jesper clamber up onto a tree branch, bristling as the humans approached, making placating gestures and trying to speak nicely.

            He smothered his laugh in a cough before saying, _“Jesper! It’s alright! Wylan and the Ghafas just want to try to help you!”_ He jogged over and planted himself in front of the humans, trying his hardest to ward off his grin as he switched to the human language. “I think Jesper needs a little space. This is all very new to him.”

            “Sorry about that,” Wylan apologized, and Kaz nudged him with his horns affectionately. “He just woke up and started freaking out.”

            “I don’t blame him.” He turned back to Jesper, who was still clinging to the tree branch for dear life. _“Why don’t you come down from there so I can fill you in on what happened since you were out?”_

Jesper looked like that was the absolute last thing that he wanted, but as the humans dispersed, called to other duties like making dinner and tending to the horse, he hesitantly glided down.

            _“How are you feeling?”_ Kaz asked, clapping a hand on his friend’s shoulder. _“We were all worried for you.”_

 _“I feel like I’ve been run over by an avalanche, but otherwise I’m fine,”_ Jesper responded, drinking in the sights of the tents and the fire. He seemed particularly horrified by Ollie. _“What kind of elk is that?”_

_“That’s a horse, Jesper.”_

_“Oh, okay. When do we get to eat it?”_

_“You don’t eat horses,”_ Kaz replied, going on to explain how Ollie pulled the cart so the humans could get to their jobs in the nearby town, and even though Jesper was nodding along, Kaz could tell he didn’t understand any of it. _“Are you hungry?”_

Jesper’s glazed eyes snapped back into focus. _“Is that a question?”_

The two of them sat by the fire while Mrs. Ghafa prepared a nice dish that smelled incredibly spicy, and Jesper had to wipe the saliva from the corners of his mouth to keep himself from drooling all over it. 

            “I’m glad that you’re doing well, Jesper,” Mrs. Ghafa told him cheerfully. “You were hit pretty badly by that bear, but nothing that I couldn’t fix.”

            _“What did she just say?”_ Jesper prompted, his brow furrowing, and Kaz translated for him. _“Oh. Tell her I said thanks.”_

“He says thanks,” Kaz explained, and Mrs. Ghafa’s eyes lit up as she put on her mitts and took the pan off of the fire and loaded up their plates. “I say thanks, too, for this wonderful meal.”

            “It’s no problem, dearie.” She turned in the general direction everyone had gone, clapping her hands together. “Time for dinner!”

            One by one, the humans came bounding out of the trees, snatching up their plates as quickly as they could and digging into its contents without preamble. Jesper looked like a deer in carriage lights, his eyes wide as he tucked into his meal tentatively, letting out a shocked cry of alarm.

            _“It burns! I thought you’d made it up!”_

 _“Why would I lie about something like this?”_ Kaz demanded around a mouthful of food, shocked at how he hadn’t retained his immunity to the spiciness of the Ghafas’ dishes. His mouth burned like a wildfire, and he quickly downed the glass of water Mrs. Ghafa provided, coaxing Jesper to do the same.

            The humans chatted amicably among themselves, occasionally casting glances at Jesper, who didn’t seem all that comfortable in this situation, his wings folded tightly against his back.

            _“So, is this their tribe?”_ He nodded to Mr. Ghafa. _“Is he the chieftain?”_

 _“It’s not a tribe.”_ Kaz took another bite of his food, savoring the taste. It was one of the many things he’d missed about the humans: flavor. There were only so many ways you could cook and eat an elk. _“Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa are in charge. Inej and her two sisters are their offspring, and Wylan is just a friend of the family.”_

_“Oh. What do they do during the mating season, then?”_

_“Humans don’t have a mating season! Most of them are completely monogamous.”_

_“Sounds boring,”_ Jesper grunted, seeming surprised every time he chewed, as if he had no idea that food had the potential to taste this great. His eyes caught Wylan’s, and Kaz watched as their gazes locked for a few moments before Wylan quickly looked away. _“That’s Wylan?”_

Wylan recognized his name, raising his head in question. “What is he saying?”

            _“No offense, Kaz, but your cub is hot. Can he join our tribe?”_

            “He says he’s incredibly thankful for your help,” Kaz lied, and Wylan blushed.

            “Tell him it was no problem.”

            _“He cannot join our tribe!”_ Kaz snapped, but his angry expression faded as he averted his gaze to the ground. _“By the way, Jesper…”_ He trailed off, and Jesper went tense all over. _“…I don’t think we should partner up during the mating season anymore.”_

            _“What?”_ Jesper spluttered. _“Why?”_

            _“Well, Inej and I…our relationship is growing stronger the more I’m with her. She’s monogamous, and I don’t want to be dishonoring her by sleeping with you.”_

            _“Your relationship?”_

            Kaz had totally forgotten that he’d left out how close he’d gotten to Inej during his time in the human world, and he sheepishly explained how he would like to take her as his mate and be true to her for as long as she would have him.

            _“That’s some Class-A romantic shit you’ve got going on there, champ,”_ Jesper scoffed, folding his arms over his chest as his wings flared out. He looked upset, but not terribly so. _“You should’ve told me.”_

            _“I know, I know. I’m sorry.”_

            Jesper rubbed his chin, his eyes glittering as a mischievous twisted his lips. _“I’ll accept your apology on one condition.”_

            _“Being?”_

            _“You teach me human language so I can court your cub.”_

 _“I don’t know…”_ Kaz worried on his bottom lip with his teeth, wringing his hands in his lap. He didn’t think he was comfortable with letting his best friend and former partner court a human boy that he viewed as his cub. It was ten kinds of awkward. _“I don’t think—”_

_“Fine. I’m mad at you. I’m never talking to you ever again for keeping this from me and depriving me of a partner during the mating season.”_

_“Ugh, okay. Deal.”_

_“Yay!”_ Jesper threw his arms around Kaz’s neck despite his protests, ignoring the way Kaz’s plate slipped off of his lap and scattered the remains of his dinner on the ground. _“Oops. Sorry about that.”_

The rest of the night was spent teaching Jesper the basics of Ravkan, and Kaz enlisted the help of Wylan and Inej move the process along faster. The two of them would have to go to work tomorrow, and Kaz would’ve rather spent time with Inej, but he’d promised Jesper that he would help.

            They taught him how to say “Yes,” “No,” “Hello,” and “Goodbye,” among other things. Jesper was an incredibly fast learner, and his intelligence, coupled with his unwavering curiosity, made it easy for him to pick up the basics of Ravkan in a matter of a couple of hours. Eventually, he would just point to things and grunt, “This?” and one of them would reply with the human word.

            It wasn’t just about learning, much to Kaz’s annoyance.

            Wylan would lean in and show Jesper the proper mouth movements for each syllable, sounding them out, but Jesper wouldn’t be focused on the words, but rather on Wylan’s lips, his wings arching up and curling toward Wylan invitingly. Had Wylan been a Demjin, he would’ve known right away that he was being flirted with, though he still remained oblivious.

            They spent the rest of the winter with Wylan and the Ghafas, helping them with chores and sometimes hunting for them when they’d forgotten to go out to the store. Despite his undying love for his family and Demjin friends, he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t one of the best winters of his life.

            He and Inej grew impossibly closer, to the point where no one was surprised when they started showing their affection in public, twining their fingers together and stealing pecks on the lips even when there were people watching.

            His love for Inej was completely unparalleled to any other love he’d felt for another being, and his love bordered on worship. Kaz looked to her like she’d hung the sun and moon in the sky and caused the shift of seasons, following her around like a needy cub who would die if he wasn’t around her.

            Just like he’d done for Wylan, he showed her survival skills, though she was marginally better at following through with them than Kaz’s cub was, much to his delight. She was adept at tracking and hunting, even skilled enough to best Kaz in combat despite his clear advantages of wings, teeth, claws, and horns.

            She was just like a Demjin in her own right.

            “You should come back with me,” Kaz murmured one night as they rested in a small field not far from the tents, the trees rustling around them as the stars smiled down from the heavens. “To the Sikurzoi, I mean.”

            “Why would I do that?” Inej scoffed, a smile touching her face as if he’d told a joke. “You said before that the Sikurzoi are merciless. You said a human like me would surely perish.”

            “Not anymore,” Kaz insisted, picking at the blades of dried grass as they swayed in the gentle breeze. It was one of the warmest winter nights thus far, though he still shivered beneath his coat. “You’re doing so well with your survival training, much better than Wylan ever did.”

            Inej laughed at that, and when Kaz turned to look at her, he could see galaxies reflected in her irises. “But how would I see my family?”

            “We’d come back for winter like I did for you,” Kaz explained. “Don’t make that face! I promise Jesper and I won’t make the same mistakes we did this year.”

            “I don’t know, Kaz…” Inej trailed off. There was a war going on behind her eyes. “It’s just…I don’t want to die. I’m not willing to go yet, and up in the Sikurzoi there’s no definitive chance that I would survive. Besides, I’d be slow! I don’t have wings to carry me everywhere.”

            “But I do. I could carry you places, and if you ever fell, I would catch you. It would be just like our circus act. Remember that? It feels so long ago.”

            Inej said nothing, turning hear head away from him and hiding her face.

            “Come on, you have to trust me. Just for a year. If you don’t like it, you can stay the next time we return.”

            “A lot can happen in a year. Hunger. Rivals. Predators.”

            “They’re no match for us,” Kaz insisted, his wings shifting in the grass. “Jesper and I fought all of them off easily. A third person will just make it easier, and who knows…” He grinned, “…Jesper has expressed a desire to bring Wylan, too. You might not be the only human coming on this trip.”

            “I’ll think about it.”

            The younger humans all had to go to work five out of seven days of the week, and that left the Demjin terribly, terribly bored. Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa were great people, but even they knew that the Demjin were lovesick and had little to entertain themselves with once their human companions were off making money.

            _“When will they be back again?”_ Jesper asked in their native tongue as he and Kaz brought their horns together halfheartedly, both of them plopping down onto the ground with little energy to continue their mock fight. _“I miss Wylan.”_

            “You’ve said that multiple times over the past couple of weeks, and I’ve always answered four thirty,” Kaz growled, folding his arms over his chest.

_“Stop talking in human. I’m tired of having to translate in my head. Why can’t we just teach the humans how to speak our language?”_

_“You know as well as I do that humans don’t have the vocal chords for it,”_ Kaz reminded him, snorting as his friend only sulked even further and turned his eyes up to watch the sun slip from its zenith in the sky. _“Human work is ridiculous. They labor for hours just to get money that has no real value and spend it on things that they could easily procure for themselves.”_

            _“Like food.”_

 _“Especially food.”_ Kaz tossed his head, his wings lashing angrily. _“If they moved to the Sikurzoi with us for spring, summer, and early fall, they’d probably learn how to understand that.”_

 _“Definitely,”_ Jesper deadpanned, his eyes taking on a dreamy look. _“I know you already discussed it with Inej, but do you think Wylan would agree?”_

 _“More easily than Inej,”_ Kaz pointed out. _“Although he cares for the Ghafas dearly, they’re not his family. He won’t have as much difficulty leaving them behind.”_

_“I suppose. But he’s not as good at survival as Inej is. I’m worried he won’t come because of the risks.”_

_“His fears aren’t uncalled for, so don’t try to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do.”_

_“I know, I know, it’s just…”_ Jesper knit his fingers together, worrying on his lower lip as his wings shifted restlessly. _“I don’t know if I would go if Wylan wasn’t going.”_

_“That’s preposterous! You’ve only known each other for a month.”_

_“Yes, but for some reason he’s just…”_ Jesper made a vague gesture. _“Incredible. Overwhelming.”_

 _“Trust me, I know the feeling,”_ Kaz agreed, thinking back on when Inej had first rescued him and was nursing him back to health after Pekka’s brutal reign over him. A part of him had thought that he’d died and that Inej was some sort of angel, an entity of immeasurable cunning, intelligence, and beauty that he didn’t even deserve to be in the presence of. _“Whenever I look at Inej it sometimes feels like I’m staring at the sun, like I’m not supposed to admire her or love her despite her brilliance.”_

_“Why couldn’t we just have fallen in love with some Demjin and made a tribe just like everyone else? Why do we have to be different?”_

_“I don’t know. It might be bad luck, but a part of me doesn’t think that. It might be fate.”_

_“You never believed in fate. Neither have I. You know as well as I do that we were always ‘make our own legacy’ kind of people. Fate never lorded anything over us.”_

_“But now she is lording something over us.”_

            Winter held on tightly this year, refusing to yield its grip on the world as the beginnings of spring drew near, and even though it would’ve been a grievance if he’d been migrating, he couldn’t help but see it as a blessing now.

            More winter meant more time for Inej to think over her decision, more time for Wylan to think over _his_ decision.

            Jesper was now actively courting Wylan, bringing him gifts and flirting with him once he amassed the vocabulary to do so, even taking him out on picnic dates by the river, something Kaz wished he’d thought of beforehand. Jesper seemed to take great pride in making the human stutter and blush, and Kaz couldn’t help but smile at their wholesomeness. A newly budding romance was always a sight to behold, and he, Inej, and the Ghafas watched on with fondness as the two of them forged a bond unlike one that would be considered strictly platonic.

            Kaz overheard Jesper ask him, “Did you decide yet?”

            “I’m not totally sure, but I’m almost positive that I want to go with you.”

            For a few moments Kaz envied how Jesper had a lover who was so willing to be whisked away, but he quickly shrugged the feelings off, curling up next to Inej more tightly and nuzzling into her hair.

 _It’s her decision,_ he reminded himself. _It would be better if she didn’t go than if you dragged her along and she hated every second of it._

            A couple of more weeks passed, and, with growing dread, Kaz realized that the stubborn winter was finally yielding its hold. Spring crept up on them slowly but surely, bringing buds to the trees and flowers to the thickening fields. The days grew warmer and the nights grew shorter, until eventually the winter clothes could be stashed away and replaced by spring clothes.

            “We’re going to have to leave tomorrow,” Jesper told everyone in almost flawless Ravkan as he and Kaz taught their human friends how to make a Kaz’s mother’s stew, substituting the mountain goat meat with deer meat. Although the taste wasn’t quite the same, it wasn’t any less delicious. “Spring is upon us, and we have to make sure we get back to our territory before someone else takes it. Issues like that arise a lot during the return from the migration.”

            “Are you sure you can’t stay a bit longer?” one of Inej’s sisters prompted as she watched the Demjin mix the broth. “We’ll miss you.”

            “Not to mention that you might be taking some people with you,” Mr. Ghafa added pointedly, his normally carefree expression disappearing and setting Kaz on edge. “Isn’t that right?”

            “Nothing is confirmed,” he stated, looking away as he filled the bowls with stew and handed them out to the eager family. “It’s their choice.”

            “We’ll be back again next winter,” Jesper exclaimed as he handed out the spoons and plopped onto the ground, taking a large slurp of his stew and relishing the flavor. “So, it’s not like you have to worry!”

            “But how can I know that for sure?” Mr. Ghafa folded his arms over his chest as he balanced his bowl in his lap, and despite his stand-offish stance, his eyes sparkled with worry. “When you two returned to us, you were nothing but skin and bones. You claim it was your mistake and that it’ll never happen again, but how do you know that? How do you know that you will keep yourselves fed, and most importantly, keep my daughter fed?”

            Kaz and Jesper exchanged a look, hesitating, before Kaz admitted, “We don’t know. We can never know what will happen. That’s just the nature of things in the Sikurzoi.”

            “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Mr. Ghafa stated, swirling the stew around with his spoon. “I’m sorry, boys. I mean nothing against you, but I want what’s best for my daughter. Wylan can make his own choices, but I don’t approve about him going, either.”

            “Noted, Mr. Ghafa.”

            “I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from.”

            “Your mother is a genius cook, Jesper,” Mrs. Ghafa announced cheerfully. It was a much-needed change of subject, and the tension in the air as the group feasted merrily.

            Even though it was _his_ mother’s recipe, Kaz kept his mouth shut as Jesper preened at the compliment, knowing fully well it wasn’t worth it to interject at this point.

            “Thank you,” Jesper said. “It took many years to…” Despite his experience, he faltered, quickly turned to Kaz. “ _How do you say ‘perfect’ in Human?”_ Kaz told him the word and he finished, “…perfect.”

            “Well it surely paid off,” Wylan snorted, slurping the last of the broth from his bowl and wiping at his mouth with his sleeve. “No offense to Mrs. Ghafa and her wonderful meals, but this has to be one of the best things I’ve ever had.”

            “I have to agree with you on that one,” Mrs. Ghafa laughed, and the rest of the group soon joined her. “I can’t imagine having such limited resources and still being capable of creating such a fantastic dish.”

            She rambled on about the sciences of cooking and whatnot, but Kaz was more concentrated on the way Wylan and Jesper kept stealing glances at one another over the fire, faint smiles twisting their lips and their eyes flickering as they reflected sparks.

            Kaz’s gaze met Inej’s, and he could see the conflict warring inside of her head. He could tell she was caught in the middle of a tug-of-war, pulled in two directions by her family and him. Kaz could only pray that he prevailed. He didn’t know if he could stand being sick with jealousy and heartache as he watched Wylan and Jesper bond for the next few months. Then again, maybe neither of the humans would come and Kaz and Jesper would embark back to their cave on their own.

            That night as Kaz and Inej laid together in bed, kissing unhurriedly, Kaz murmured, “I might wind up missing and pining for you until next winter, but I promise that no matter what your choice is, I won’t love you any less. I know it’s a difficult decision to make.”

            “I know,” Inej whispered, cupping his face in her hand and tracing his cheek with her thumb. He could hardly see her face in the dark of the tent, but he could smell the salt of her tears and blinked back his own. “I love you so much, Kaz.”

            Kaz purred as she carded her fingers through his hair with one hand and held his hand with the other. He didn’t want to fall asleep, didn’t want to waste a single moment with her now that he was sure those moments were numbered, but with Inej soothing him into a stupor, he could do nothing but allow the gnarled hands of slumber to drag him down into its depths.

 

\----Ӝ----

 

            “Kaz! Get up, idiot, we have to go!”

            Once again, Kaz awoke to the sound of Jesper screaming at the top of his lungs, and he groaned, rolling over to find Inej gone and the spot where she’d lain cold and empty. She must’ve gone off to work already, and his bleary mind leapt from sleep only to plunge itself into a foul mood.

            Fighting back the tears building up behind his eyelids, he dragged himself from bed and stretched, his wings splaying across the Ghafa’s tent before he tiptoed around the blankets and pillows and slipped outside.

            Jesper and Wylan were waiting for him, bags slung over their shoulders and their eyes alight with excitement. Kaz tried not to let his bitterness show on his face.

            Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa had prepared a bounteous breakfast, and he picked at his food between Inej’s two sisters, his eyes searching. Had Inej left to make it easier on the both of them? Humans sometimes did things like that, he knew, but it didn’t hurt him any less.

            Kaz would’ve picked at his food had he not known he had a long journey ahead, so he gobbled the meal down despite his roiling stomach, feeling cold all over as he rose to his feet and said farewell to the Ghafas. He was unwilling to ask them where Inej had gone, knowing fully well that it would sour the lightheartedness of the moment.

            Jesper handed him a backpack, which he took like someone picking up the knife he would use to end his own life. He felt hollow.

            “We’d better get going,” he muttered. _I can’t stand to be here anymore. I have to get away._ “We have a long way to go.”

            “Wait!” a voice cried, and Kaz whirled around to find Inej crashing through the trees, slinging a backpack over her shoulders. “A girl goes to the bathroom and suddenly her whole traveling gang is ready to leave without her?”

            Kaz’s heart leapt up from its spot in his gut and skyrocketed up his ribs. He was pretty sure it would’ve gone up his throat and catapulted itself straight into the clouds had it been capable of doing so.

            “You’re coming?” he whispered, almost breathless, and Inej gave him a funny look.

            “Of course I’m coming! Are you okay? You look pale.”

            “I’m fine. Amazing, actually.”

            There were many tearful goodbyes and hugs exchanged among everyone, but there were many assurances of their return in the late fall.

            “I’ll bring back the correct meat for the stew this time,” Jesper promised Mrs. Ghafa who grinned through her tears and threw her arms around his neck.

            The most heartfelt of them all were between Inej and her family members, which were to be expected, and after a group hug that seemed to last centuries and dozens of whispered prayers and benedictions, Inej broke away and joined Jesper and Wylan at the edge of the clearing.

            Before Kaz could go, Mr. Ghafa grabbed his arm, his eyes misty and his lip quivering. “You take care of my daughter.”

            “I will, Mr. Ghafa,” Kaz vowed, his shoulders squaring. “I swear it on my life that I’ll do the best I can to keep your daughter safe and fed.”

            He pulled Kaz into a tight hug. “Thank you. Thank you so much. You have done wonders for this family.”

            “No, thank _you_. Without you guys, I wouldn’t be standing here today.”

            He waved to everyone before withdrawing to the rest of the group, whose elation shone through despite the water in their eyes.

            “Are you guys ready?” he asked, and there were many nods. He turned to the humans. “Are you sure you want to come?”

            “Yep,” they exclaimed in unison.

            “Alright then.”

            He and Jesper put on their backpacks as if they were and bent down so that Inej and Wylan could clamber onto their backs, holding on with their arms and legs. This wasn’t that convenient for either of them and they would have to switch to carrying them bridal-style if their arms got tired, but it was better than Jesper’s idea of carrying them in a gigantic hammock.

            Inej cast one last look at her family and gave them a wave before Kaz and Jesper spread their wings and launched into the sky, their whoops and cheers lost to the wind as they took off toward the Sikurzoi and the expanse that lay beyond.

            “I love you,” Inej whispered into Kaz’s ear, and he could feel her smile against his skin.

            “I love you, too.”

            The last part of Kaz’s story ends with one word:

            Joy.

            Pure, unadulterated joy that consumed him, clouding his mind with its beauty and making his blood sing in his veins as he and Jesper soared over the mountaintops together.

            For the first time in a long, long while, he felt truly free.

 

**END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god this is the end!!! 
> 
> After this, there's just going to be an epilogue and another chapter with super cool things like a soundtrack for you guys to listen to while you read and a master list of the chapter soundtracks and the digital art (which will be updated once I get my tablet fixed). 
> 
> This journey has been such an amazing experience for me. I started this on May 16th, 2017 and now it's September 2nd, 2018! I have evolved so much as a writer between then and now that it's actually kind of crazy, not to mention that Circus of Your Mind is the 4th longest Six of Crows fic on AO3! 
> 
>  
> 
> **Please leave a comment if you liked it! I loved every moment writing for you all!**


	20. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning(s): Pure, heart-melting fluff

_QUERENCIA_

_(n.) a place from which one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self._

\----Ӝ----

 

**XX.**

**EPILOGUE**

_Chapter Soundtrack: “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor_

 

\----Ӝ----

**-FIVE YEARS LATER-**

 

            “Go on, introduce yourself,” Kaz laughed as Matthias clung to Inej’s leg, blinking owlishly as he watched Jordie’s cubs scamper around and tumble over one another like clumsy wolf pups. “Don’t be shy.”

            Kaz had no idea how a one-year-old could manage a withering look, but Matthias pulled it off as he clutched Inej’s leg even tighter, his wings wrapping around her calf. It was the first time he’d met other children— at least, the first time where he was old enough to interact with them— and he was clearly having none of it.

            “Matthias.” Inej folded her arms over her chest and tried to wriggled out of his grip, but his meaty toddler hands held fast. Her Demjin had improved drastically since she’d first started to learn, and although she still couldn’t pronounce certain syllables, it was understandable enough. “Good Saints. If you don’t go out and play with them, how are you going to make any friends? These are your cousins we’re talking about.”

            “I think he’s just a momma’s boy,” Petra laughed, scooping Matthias up despite his cry of utter outrage. “You didn’t say hi to me, young man!”

            Matthias blew raspberries, wriggling in her grip, which only made Petra squeeze him tighter and shower him with kisses. “Jordie and crew, you may make more kids, but I think Kaz and Inej make cuter ones.”

            “It’s the human baby fat!” Jordie cried indignantly, managing a laugh before his kids tackled him to the ground in a dog pile. “We never stood a chance!”

            Everyone laughed, and Petra finally allowed Matthias to squirm out of her grip and scamper back over to Inej, who dodged out of his way at the last second and left him with an expression that could only be described as betrayal.

            “Go play!” Inej deadpanned, sidestepping Matthias once again despite the toddler’s quivering lip. “You’ll have fun, I promise!”

            “Kids, go introduce yourself to Matthias,” Gaia ordered, and the other females from Jordie and Petra’s tribe echoed her. “Make your baby cousin feel like part of the group.”

            The kids exchanged a look among themselves, as if debating whether or not to obey their mothers, when they finally decided that maybe including this kid into their posse would be a good thing. There were twenty-four of them, though there were only about twelve playing around, the eldest being about six while the youngest was only a year older than Matthias.

            The other cubs were well into their teen years, some of them almost ready to leave the tribe, and they hung around chatting with the adults as the younger kids played and their mothers helped roast a huge elk that they’d caught only hours earlier.

            Hesitantly, the group shuffled over and introduced themselves, and although Matthias hardly knew how to speak, they took to him like fish to water.

            It wasn’t long before he was toddling after the group, cackling like a witch on a broom as he chased after the older kids.

            “I knew he would have fun,” Kaz snorted, leaning against Inej and relishing in the breeze that swept through the valley as the sun shined down from above.

            There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the mountains rose up all around them like a protective wall, birds circling around their peaks, which stood out starkly against the beautiful blue sky.

            He, Inej, Jesper, Wylan, Jordie, and Petra were currently all celebrating in the field at the base of Kaz and Jesper’s mountain. It was a huge event, considering the combined size of all of their tribes, and they weren’t all that sure what they were rejoicing about, but nevertheless all of them were having a wonderful time.

            Jesper and Wylan were helping cook the elk, and all of the females were doting over Wylan like he was one of their cubs, teaching him how to skin and gut the animal despite the human’s repeated denials and eventually moving on to how long to cook the mat and in what way.

            “No offense, but this will never _not_ be disgusting,” Wylan sighed as he eyed the pile of guts they’d kicked off to the side like an afterthought. “I think I might be sick.”

            “Oh goodness, his adorable accent!” Mara cried, and all of the other woman clamored in agreement. “Everyone gets a queasy sometimes! Would you like a bucket?”

            “I’m good, thank you.” A pause, and then, “Oh, just to so you’re warned, the spices we’re going to add from Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa make your mouth burn.”

            “Burn?!” the whole group cried in comical unison. “What do you mean?”

            Jesper and Wylan laced their fingers together, laughing with one another as they tried to explain the nature of Suli spices and how it made their mouths feel like they were on fire, but in a good, non-dangerous way.

            The females looked incredulous.

            “This would make a great play,” Inej pointed out with a chuckle. “I bet the audience would be rolling on the floor laughing.”

            “You should write it, then,” Kaz replied. “I bet you’d be good at it.”

            “We’ll write it together, how about that?”

            “I can’t read or write for shit, Inej.”

            Matthias was now leading the pack, raising a stick in the air and leading his army of Demjin cubs into battle against invisible enemies like some sort of war general, though his war cry consisted of one of the only words he knew, _“Cookie!”_

            None of the Demjin knew what a cookie was, most of them assuming it was some sort of foreign call to battle, and it seemed to rile them up pretty effectively, which had Kaz and Inej swept up in a fit of laughter.

            “Inej, look what we made.”

            “Ugh, look, he’s a ringleader like you. This is your fault.”

            Kaz couldn’t help but smile, leaning in to press his lips against hers. “I guess it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all so much for supporting me and this story! I love you all so much!
> 
> The next chapter is going to consist of some cool extra stuff, like my personal commentary for each chapter and a playlist of music I listened to while writing this (not the chapter soundtracks) that you guys can listen to if you decide to re-read this!


	21. EXTRAS

**Hello, everyone! Thank you all so much for reading and please don’t forget to leave a comment and kudos if you liked it!**

 

Just some cool facts about Circus of Your Mind that might blow your mind:

 

  1. _Circus of Your Mind is 216 pages long in the Word document where I have it stored. It’s size 12 font Times New Roman._



  1. _Circus of Your Mind is the third longest Six of Crows fic on both Archive of Our Own and Fanfiction.net._



  1. _Circus of Your Mind took 1 year, 3 months, and 29 days to finish._



  1. _The name “Jesper” is said 231 times, “Wylan” is said 254 times, “Inej” is said 327 times, and “Kaz” is said a whopping 1,449 times_



  1. _The word “Demjin” is said exactly 200 times._



  1. _The title “Circus of Your Mind” is from my favorite song from the Broadway musical_ Finding Neverland.



  1. _The Fanfiction.Net version of Circus of Your Mind still has the original chapter titles, which just so happen to be from the song “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Taco. I have no idea why my past self chose that particular song, but there’s no way I’m going to spend a bazillion hours changing it at this point._



**The main thing that helped me write Circus of Your Mind, besides reviews and kudos, was music.**

Whenever I was writing this fic I always had my earbuds plugged into my ears on full blast, which is probably unhealthy but hey it helped me get the job done.

Here’s a link to the unlisted soundtrack for Circus of Your Mind that I made on YouTube that you can listen to if you ever decide to re-read this fic!

 

[Link here!](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhDg6vptD397Bz6MygsK37aU5VvWMyyV0)

 

This soundtrack consists of all of the music I mainly listened to while writing this story, aside from my weird bursts of Hamilton and odd Gregorian chants every so often, and if you concentrate on the music while you read, you can hear how it the movement and actions of the story were kind of built up around the music!

 

**What I have next is the chapter breakdowns that I thought would be a cool thing to do.**

I list the music I listened to when writing it (which is usually instrumental and from a movie soundtrack that you can find in the YouTube link), the chapter soundtrack (which is just a song I thought went well with the chapter), and a little blurb I wrote about the behind-the-scenes of making the chapter!

 

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**Chapter One** \- “Wounded” from _How to Train Your Dragon,_ "The Greatest Show" from _The Greatest Showman_

 

This story came to me when I was watching How to Train Your Dragon for the 68393 time and was reading a book called _Chained_ about an elephant who was abused in the circus. I was still in my _Six of Crows_ hangover and was in the middle of a Creature! AU one-shot streak.

 

I was watching the Vikings fear, their absolute terror when it came to things that were unknown to them, and all of these ideas from _Six of Crows_ and _Chained_ and the Creature AUs I’d already written involving a Demon! Kaz combined into this story.

 

I pitched it to my good friend Gigi and began diligently writing the first chapter, and thus Circus of Your Mind was born.

 

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**Chapter Two-** “Rue’s Farewell” from _The Hunger Games,_ "Colors" by Halsey

Chapter two was very difficult to write, partly because I had yet to make an outline for this damn story and had no idea where it was going to go. It’s also the first chapter where Inej is mentioned cause I was desperate to get ya girl in there.

 

The idea for the kerosene came to me when I was watching a news clip about various stables getting busted for putting kerosene on the ankles of their Tennessee Walking Horses to make their prized stride “The Big Lick” even more pronounced for competitions.

 

This chapter really shows Kaz the extent of chaos and terror in the human world, and starts toying with Kaz’s ever-diminishing will to live.

 

Don’t support any circus that has animal acts, people!

 

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**Chapter Three-** “The Elephant Graveyard” from _The Lion King,_ "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas

My favorite part of this chapter is the beginnings of explaining Kaz’s past and Demjin culture, which was one of my favorite things to write about.

 

It also reveals Kaz’s loyalty to his human friends, though I do kind of wish I hadn’t made that weird decision to have Kaz _not_ escape when he had the chance. It’s a writing error that makes me cringe whenever I re-read it.

 

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**Chapter Four-** “Evey Reborn” from _V for Vendeta,_ "In the Woods Somewhere" by Hozier

One of my biggest regrets for this fic was killing of Matthias.

 

He could’ve been an essential character within this story, but some odd part of my brain told me I should stick with the canon and kill him off just like Leigh did. I also hate his unceremonious death.

 

He should’ve died in a blaze of glory like he deserves, and I thought that the manner in which Kaz killed him was graceless to say the least. I might go back in a couple of years and change it so that Pekka and Oomen lock Matthias in the ring with Kaz instead, making Matthias’ death a bit more dignified.

 

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**Chapter Five-** “Cambridge” from _The Theory of Everything,_ “Work Song” by Hozier

I LOVED writing this chapter, since this is where the Kanej really picks up, and you know how much of a sucker I am for Kanej and Hurt/Comfort. Also, as you can see, I’m a little obsessed with Hozier, judging from the chapter soundtracks.

 

I had a bit of a difficult time dishing out personalities for Inej’s family, since they’re only ever mentioned in the canon series and their individuality is never touched upon.

 

My favorite part was making up the circus act, not gonna lie.

 

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**Chapter Six-** “Heimr Àrnadalr” from _Frozen,_ “Homeward Bound” performed by Bringham Young University Choir

I cried writing this chapter. End of story. The songs are also so beautiful that they only served to contribute to the never-ending stream of tears.

 

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**Chapter Seven-** “Lullaby” from _Pan’s Labrinth,_ “Sign of the Times” by Harry Styles

 

I thought the incorporation of Nikolai into the story was a little over-the-top, a road block that only served to lengthen the fic, and would scold my past self if I could. If anything, I should’ve just had Inej release Kaz.'

 

Originally, instead of Nikolai buying Kaz off of the circus in the beginning, it was going to be a Fjerdan noble who was incredibly impressed with Kaz’s skills in speaking Fjerdan. He only has a cameo now, but originally I’d planned for him to be Victor Krum.

 

He was going to buy Kaz off of the circus and force him into the military to strike fear into their opponents, and there would be a couple of chapters spent where Kaz would be killing Grisha and helping push at the edges of the border with Ravka. Then, however, he would be captured by Ravkan troops and brought to Nikolai’s palace, where it would be the same from there.

 

Thinking back on it, that would’ve been a way cooler plotline, but it’s not like I can go back and change it now.

 

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**Chapter Eight-** “Swan Theme” from _Swan Lake (Tchaikovsky),_ “Broken Bones” by Kaleo

Even though I’m not that on board with the Nikolai idea now, this chapter was still very fun to write, especially the part where Kaz gives the maid some advice and tells her to kill her boyfriend.

 

After writing so much about nature and stuff, it was so weird getting back into “modern” day, with things such as maids and houses after spending so much time describing nature and the circus.

 

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**Chapter Nine** \- “Becoming One of the People” from _Avatar,_ “The Circle Game” by Joni Mitchell

I LOVED writing about Kaz’s past in this chapter. It’s always so fun to explore the culture I built from my head and to tie in pieces of the canonverse into the fic.

 

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**Chapter Ten-** “An Argument/You’re Mufasa’s Boy/Remember” from _The_ _Lion King,_ “Put on Your Sunday Clothes” from _Hello, Dolly!_

This chapter was fun. It really exhibits Kaz’s sympathy, curiosity, and loyalty.

 

In a sense, I feel like COYM Kaz is the embodiment of a Kaz that would’ve existed in the canonverse if he’d been raised right. The wondering of who Kaz would’ve been if he hadn’t been traumatized at such a young age remains one of the biggest subjects in my writing without me even knowing it.

 

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**Chapter Eleven-** “Davy Jones’s Theme” from _Pirates of the Caribbean,_ “Foreigner’s God” by Hozier

 

Poor baby. I hated torturing Kaz in this chapter, but plot is plot :/  It also shows how Jan Van Eck’s men, though supposedly more cultured, are just as bad as Pekka and Oomen were.

 

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**Chapter Twelve** \- “Fate and Destiny” from _Brave,_ "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley

 

First off, I loved the music I listened to while writing this chapter. Brave has such a beautiful, underrated soundtrack, and I absolutely loved the sort of father/son bond between Kaz and Wylan.

 

Demjin cubs were originally called “pups,” but I didn’t want to use the word “pup” for some reason (probably because it reminds me of A/B/O dynamic fanfics) and toyed around with “kits” and even plain “babies” before settling on “cubs.”

 

I feel like the Kaz/Wylan friendship is severely unexplored in both the canonverse and the fanfic verse. I want more content of them, especially if it involves Kaz becoming a sort of big brother to Wylan.

 

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**Chapter Thirteen** \- “Only the Beginning of the Adventure” from _Narnia,_ “It Will Come Back” by Hozier

 

To be honest, I had no idea how they were going to get out. I made it up on the fly. This chapter is one hundred percent scriptural bullshit that I pulled out of my ass as I was writing it. It seemed to work out pretty well, though, and I’m glad that I was able to come up with a solution lol.

 

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**Chapter Fourteen-** “Grasslands Chant” from _The Lion King,_ “This is Gospel” by Panic! At the Disco

 

Okay so the Grasslands Chant is so beautiful (The entire Lion King Soundtrack is beautiful tbh) and even though it kind of doesn’t fit for this chapter, I still listened to it anyway because I’d just seen the Lion King on Broadway and was still severely obsessed with it.

I also had to spend way too much time looking up infected wounds and how they festered and were treated, getting the occasional glance at pictures that I’d much rather forget. I feel mentally scarred from the research of this chapter.

 

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**Chapter Fifteen** \- “American Beauty” from _American Beauty,_ “Like Real People Do” by Hozier

 

UGH THIS CHAPTER TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE. This chapter is infamous in the sense that it is part of the reason why I started this in 2017 and haven’t finished it up until now.

 

It was so writer’s block inducing, so hideously boring to write (since I wanted to get straight to Kaz’s homeland and wanted to skip the “in between” parts), but the music I listened to helped tremendously by setting the mood when I finally did manage to get the guts to actually write it.

 

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**Chapter Sixteen- “** The Lioness Hunt” from _The Lion King,_ “Road Home” by Stephen Paulus (Performed by Conspirare)

 

This was my second favorite chapter to write. I had so much fun introducing Jesper back into the story and immersing Kaz fully into his homeland. No longer are the readers seeing Kaz as a frightened Demjin in a world full of humans; now Kaz is in his element, and he’s pretty damn good at doing what he does.

 

I loved the descriptions and the fuckiNG MOUNTAINS ughhhh it’s like a dream come true. I wrote part of this chapter while in the country, which explains the nature-y vibes.

 

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**Chapter Seventeen-** “Romantic Flight” from _How to Train Your Dragon,_ “Don’t You Cry For Me” by Cobi

 

This chapter has my favorite music. “Romantic Flight” and the HTTYD soundtrack in general is just STUNNING. If you’re going to listen to any of these songs, listen to this one. It matches the chapter the best out of all of these, and oh my GOD I wish I could play this song 24/7 for my entire life and just bathe in its glory.

 

Again, I loved delving into Demjin culture and finally (FINALLY) bringing Jordie back into the narrative.

 

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**Chapter Eighteen-** “Whiteout” from _Frozen,_ “Old Black Train” from _Over the Garden Wall_

 

  1. LOVED. WRITING. THIS CHAPTER. It was my favorite by far!



The action, suspense, and whole feel of it is just…superb. The snowy, unforgiving winter and the boys’ desperate need to survive was just so raw and emotional that I couldn’t prevent myself from staying away from this chapter. I wrote it all in one day, and the soundtrack goes incredibly well with it.

 

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**Chapter Nineteen-** “Can You See Jane?” from _Thor,_ “Lovely” by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid

I cried when I wrote “End.” I made this chapter extra long because I sort of didn't want it to be over despite working on it for so long. It was really hard to write because I didn’t want to let go of this story. :’’’’(

 

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**Epilogue-** “Vuelie” from _Frozen,_ “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor

 

I would've written more, but I thought that this story deserved a short, sweet ending and not a long, drawn-out one. I knew automatically that they would name teir kid after Matthias, since without him I don't think Kaz would be alive.

 

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**_Again, thank you all so much for reading! Special thanks to gigi-the-bear, riesonable, and Fizzy_Bee26 for being such wonderful supporters of this story and making me strive to work harder and write better!_ **

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**_Until next time!_ **

**Author's Note:**

> _Includes art made by me as well as gigi-the-bear, but don't be afraid to submit your own art! I'll embed it into the story! You can send me the link by[messaging me on Tumblr.](https://sucker-for-six-of-crows.tumblr.com/)_


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